Elizabeth Warren's good hair is not the result of a no lye relaxer; it's because she's related to Native American Indians.
Yesterday, she released the results of one of those mail-order 23 and Me DNA tests, and come to find out, she does in fact have at least one Native American ancestor.
It was between 6 and 10 generations ago, which means she's like 1/512th Indian, but that's probably still enough for discounted college tuition. And if it's not, she can arrange to pay back the difference once she starts raising money for a run at the White House.
She almost certainly is running for president, or else why would she bother with some shit like this? With these DNA tests, especially for white people, there's always the risk that you'll turn out to be related to the serial killer that Patton Oswalt's dead wife was investigating. (Black people don't need a test to know the names of criminals we're related to.)
Anyway, nothing about this inspires confidence in me that Elizabeth Warren could beat Trump in 2020—or that she'll even be on the ticket, for that matter. Certainly, she'd be a better president than Hillary Clinton, but she probably wouldn't be any better a candidate. Trump already has a nickname for her, and I'm at a loss for why she thinks a DNA test would settle the ancestry issue.