Black People Twitter adopted a portly black child as its mascot, and if you can imagine, the kid's not doing so well. He gets fatter every time you see him; he appears to have some sort of skin condition, and it isn't clear when's the last time he went to school.
He seems to be developing into a sort of human manifestation of a hoodrat's addled thought process, as expressed each night on Twitter while people who work for a living are fast asleep, #uainthittinitright made flesh. On the one hand, I'm kinda interested to see where this all leads, but on the other hand I'm half tempted to call child protective services.
Cousin Terio first became an Internets sensation a few months back when a Vine of him doing some weird fat kid dance, pictured above, went viral. Some people even say that it singlehandedly saved Vine. (This was before Vine was supposedly rendered obsolete by Instagram video, which is better for twerk videos.) Already there was plenty of cause for concern.
While way skinnier then than he is now, he was fat in a way that a six year-old kid shouldn't be fat, as if his body weight had gradually shifted to his gut region from years of pounding Bud Heavy every day after work, for "decompression" purposes. He was built like a miniature version of my late uncle Big Reg. But he's too young to have done anything for years. I've got condiments in my fridge that are older than Terio.
Terio did that little dance he does as a celebration after shooting a basketball at nothing in particular, thus leading me to believe that he might be a little bit "slow." Is that something retarded kids do, shoot basketballs at hoops that only exist in their own addled minds? I can see how that might be a recommended activity for the developmentally disabled, because having them try to hit an actual basket would just be setting them up for disappointment and could lead to acting out.
I hit at least a few baskets, in between having to go in a corner somewhere and catch my breath, the last time I played basketball, with a group of the world's least coordinated rednecks, in gym class (which of course was mandatory), first semester of college, way TF back in '99, and I was never nearly as satisfied as Cousin Terio. Certainly, I wasn't compelled to dance. In fact, I don't know that I've been satisfied a day in my life, if you don't count beer-drinking.
He probably shouldn't have been out in the street, either. Really, there's no need for a kid to ever be in the street, where grown people drive, unless he's walking somewhere -- and obviously he's not walking very many places, if he's gotten so fat. He can't be walking to school, because he doesn't seem to go to school. He may have dropped out, in the first grade, to pursue a career as Black People Twitter's unofficial portly black child mascot. I hear he gets paid to appear in clubs, like Paris Hilton. They must be paying him in chicken.
Because he's black, and he's only six, he may not have started school yet. I started going to all day pre-kindergarten when I was four (and look what good it's done me!), but I know a lot of schools in the hood have problems with people deciding of their own accord when it's appropriate to send their kids to school. Some parents won't think to enroll their kid until it's like eight. Some parents will stop sending their kids to school when it gets warm out, because that means it's summer, damn the actual schedule.
I remember here in the STL, back in the '90s, they had a lot of problems with kids in the hood not wanting to show up for the first day of school. What sense does it make going to school when it's still warm out, I'm sure the thinking went. White people, in their infinite racism, had the law set up so that each school got a certain amount of funds based on population, and population was based on how many kids showed up the first day of school. It's one of the ways the black community has been undermined intellectually, not unlike when they used to beat slaves for trying to learn how to read. Fast forward 20 years, and we've got Black People Twitter. Coincidence?
But education is the least of Terio's concerns. Even if he does go to school, and he excels, he'll just join generations of black men who were similarly duped. He might not be able to fit into those desks anyway. The latest Terio pics, taken at Super Bowl Media Day (he was at Super Bowl Media Day for some reason), reveal that he's somehow gotten even more fat than he was a few months ago. Because he hasn't gotten significantly taller, he's beginning to resemble a male child version of Precious. He could actually play a grown version of Precious' baby, in a sequel. I know there was a sequel to the novel.
And so the Terio narrative has thus shifted from "how funny (by Black People Twitter standards), a fat black kid" to "someone needs to intervene before we end up watching this poor child die of diabetes in real time." Yesterday, the Smoking Section's handwringing correspondent, dayside, warned of the deluge of "think pieces" that would ensue once the mainstream media realizes what's going on here. That's actually where I got the idea for this post. But trust that my concern is (at least somewhat) genuine. That kid needs help. He's in worse shape at six than I am at 32, and if you've read this blog for a while now, you know it took hard work to get to this point. #dedication
It doesn't even make sense for a kid to be that fat. There might be something wrong with Cousin Terio's glands. They should take him to see a doctor.