Cam'ron, Purple Haze (We-Roc-Fellas, 2004)
From the man who brought us the idea of guys -- supposedly straight ones -- walking around in all kinds of purple and pink gear, an album named after a song about making out with a guy. Never before (OK, not in several months) have I been so convinced that a rapper is gay. Uh, no homo.
It's like those intros Jay-Z used to do, only not really worth listening to.
MORE GANGSTA MUSIC
Fortunately, Killa Cam's weed carriers don't appear on this nearly as much as I was expecting. But, for whatever reason, this song is pretty much all Juelz Santana.
Imagine if you combined the gayness of that one "Easy Like Sunday Morning" record from his last album and one of those Jay-Z showtunes songs from the late '90s
WELCOME TO PURPLE HAZE (SKIT)
Was that "pain in the ass" guy from the first 2 Jay-Z albums too expensive? Is this his gay cousin?
Who knew that there was an actual Buddhist chant that mentions Killa Cam'ron? Hip-hop truly is a global culture. Was Peter Gabriel involved in this?
LEAVE ME ALONE PT. 2
I should probably break character for a moment and mention that this album may very well be the absolute pinnacle of the long white t-shirt rap genre. Not that that genre's at all worth listening to in the least bit, but hey, an accomplishment's an accomplishment.
DOWN AND OUT
Case in point: This song is fucking incredible. I usually don't like anything Kanye West does just because he's gay and I'm an Evangelical Christian and what about the children and what have you. But I guess in this case I can make an exception. No homo.
That song though was pretty much the only thing on here with, um, how should I put this, "musical" production. Seriously, I can't believe there's such a large market for such horrible music. It's not like the kind of shit Just Blaze and Kanye do, where I might not always like it, but I can respect it on a certain level. This shit is like, really bad rip-offs of that kind of thing.
RUDE BOY (SKIT)
Cam'ron just told a guy to "kiss mines bloodclot" [sic!] and then mentioned something about his dick. Are you beginning to see what I'm saying?
I guess that was at least an appropriate intro to the gayest song on the album. The original "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" was a good song, damnit! This one's so bad it's actually techno.
I'M A CHICKEN HEAD (SKIT)
Was this designed to create the appearance that Cam'ron actually has dealings with women other than solicitng makeup advice?
Ooh, this one's especially foul. I'm turning it off because it's giving me a headache. Seriously.
Cam'ron tries to convince one of his "girlfriends" to go on an out of town shopping trip. My mom goes on those kinds of trips.
This is really just like the first 10 or so songs, only a little bit worse. That's why it's track 14 and not, say track 4. The squealing guitar sample (or whatever it is) sounds like some shit from the Transformers the Movie soundtrack.
Ahh! My ears! I really can't stand Earth, Wind & Fire. Sorry.
THE BLOCK (SKIT)
Cam'ron records one of his late night "dogging" sessions.
THE DOPE MAN
Jim Jones! Scarves and water status! Still ripping off old Dre shit like it's a novel idea! Cam'ron, control your weed carriers.
Well I bet we've been together for a million yeeeears / And I bet we'll be together for a million moooore / What would we doooooo baby without loooove / Sha la la laaaaaaa
Sit Ubu sit. Good dog. Ruff!
Quotes: "My man DJ Nasty is in the house." "Put your meat on my stick like a shis kabob." "I make Chinamen stretch like Yao Ming." "I put my tool to work." "I'm a diaper dandy and I've got all kinds of panties."
It's already bad because it's called "Shake." I'm skipping it.
GET 'EM GIRLS
[Scene: The Roc-A-Fella offices.]
Dame Dash the Rapist: "Killa Cam'ron, 'Oh Boy' was a popular song. You need to write another one just like it."
Cam'ron the DL Brother: "Sure thing, boss."
[Fast forward 2 whole years.]
Cam'ron the DL Brother: "Boss, it's me, Cam'ron the DL Brother. I've got all of these rip-offs of '80s pop songs and shit I stole from 50 Cent and other assorted garbage, but I'm obviously incapable of writing anymore hits."
Dame Dash the Rapist: "Damn. I guess if we push it back to Christmas, enough dumbass white kids will buy it so that I can recoup my investment. Then you can go be on Koch with the rest of those bums."
DIP SET FOREVER
Forever, huh? More like "Until Dame Dash Decides to Cut His Losses."
TAKE EM TO CHURCH
Wow. What a completely rational dis record!
COMMENTS: So like I was saying, I'm pretty sure Cam'ron is actually gay. I mean, look at the evidence: His first album cover (the gayest shit I've ever seen); the fact that he used to hang out with Ma$e; his AIDS patient physique; his wardrobe; Jim Jones' haircut. Need I go on? Also like I was saying, this album might actually be pretty good if you're into this kind of rap, but otherwise you're gonna wanna to stay far, far away from it. In fact, I didn't even find it that good in a "I'm listening to this because I'm trying to be ironic" kind of way. But what do I know? I'm just a hater like that.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AND DISCUSS: I've changed my name to EmoBol and am now attempting to hook up with some young punk rock chicks. You can read more about it here.