ByronCrawford.com

The Real World: Key West - Episode 13: Episode Summary

Last week I only watched like five minutes of the episode and then faked the rest, so this week I want to get things back on track. The thing is, I don't even remember if I was drinking last week. That could've been my problem. I've gotten pretty used to doing this while sloshed. Nullus.

So this week the "latino" fellow finally gets into some shit with some people. From what I could gather from the commercial, it looked like the Halfrican American broad was getting pissed at him because he had a thing for Fitzlana and not her. But of course she's going to try to make it into a thing of him not doing shit at work. Walnuts tried something similar with Bananas last week.

Aren't these bitches aware that Jose, or whatever his name is, owns several houses in Florida. He rents the place next door to his house to the family of crackety-cracks that live there. That's what I call business acumen, Robert Kiyosaki-style. Meanwhile, what has this mulatto woman done with her life. Her fake boobs aren't even as nice as Svetlana's real ones. That must be a tough fact to face for a woman.

A buncha Tyler's teh ghey friends show up to party. They go out to some place and get pretty hammered and then come back to the house and trash the place, throwing food and squirting chocolate syrup on shit. Nullus. Then the next thing you know Jose gets into it with Walnuts over something or other. I think she was just shouting shit at him like she always does, but he just snaps out of nowhere, jumping up and down and shit.

I thought they opened the place a long time ago, but apparently the grand opening is coming up this Saturday. Things are predictably rather tense. At one point they think the boots might be broken, but it turns out they forgot to press the "on" button. Oh. And Moo-latto has an issue with Jose going out and soliciting hotels, which was supposed to be her job. Come to find out she thought her job in PR meant "personal relations."

Walking out of a club, she sees Jose kicking it to Svetlana and starts going off on him, ostensibly because she wants the group to get home early for grand opening weekend. Honestly, as amusing as this all is, I can't help but think that it'd be that much more interesting if Janell was an actual black chick. MTV tripped not cast a single black person (Janell only counts as 0.5) on this season. That said, she'd be hot if her eyes weren't so big.

The Real World: Key West - Episode 12: Episode Summary

So apparently we're 12 weeks into the season (that's like three months) and now the group's fake tanning booth is finally opening. I didn't realize this before (not that I cared), but this is not actually the machines where lights burn the shit out of your skin, but those dumbass shower booths where they spray bronze paint on you.

Um, excuse me, but how is this not the exact same shit Hulk Hogan used to do so he'd look more like the Junkyard Dog? Not to reveal my age here or anything. Amusingly enough, everyone who goes into this dumbass business comes out looking like the Hulkster circa 1986. Meanwhile, girls who do real fake tanning couldn't look any better. At least for the first couple of years.

Now that they've officially opened for business and gotten like five people to come in, of course they have to go out and drink. On the ride home, one of the more amusing scenes this year happens when Walnuts starts clowning Bananas and then Bananas just goes off on Walnuts, talking about how she hasn't eaten since last week and she's got a scab that hasn't healed in three years because she keeps picking at it.

[I tuned out for an entire segment of the show (like 5 or 8 minutes), but I'm pretty sure nothing took place but more bitching and Walnuts pretending to have some sort of breakdown.]

The next day or whatever Walnuts claims to not be able to remember anything that happened. The group mostly seems to not give a shit. Bananas, concerned that everyone in the country now knows he has a tiny member (nullus) doesn't want to be around Walnuts any more when she's drunk. So she's going back to see that fake Dr. Drew Pinsky again. I'm sure that'll help.

NEXT WEEK: The Halfrican American broad gets jealous the "latin" fellow wants Svetlana, and not her.

The Real World: Key West - Episode 11: Episode Summary

According to Svetlana, who's pre-law pre-med, homosexuality is a matter of nature, not nurture. She discusses this in the hot tub with Tyler, wearing a bikini. The fact that there was no "incident" lets you know this cat is a for real fudge. Because I would've tried something.

Tyler whines on the phone that he's yet to meat a fudge in his 20s, or even one that was born after the Kennedy administration. He must be hanging out at the bar for old fags. Do gay clubs have age limits like regular clubs, or is just an all-ages free for all. That would certainly explain the recent episode of the Sopranos where Vito was outed. He's like what, 40?

So he goes out on a dinner date with one of these girls that hangs out with gay guys (probably a closeted lesbian), who promises to introduce him to some hot, young fudge. Nullus on this whole post. There's a minor incident when Tyler fails to show up for a ride home with the group. The prospect of man-ass had him understandably flustered.

When they get back to the house, Tyler's already there, getting out of the van with like five lesbian-looking broads and some gang sign-flashing fudge named Bhakti(?), who's actually not an Indian or anything. Hilariously, Tyler shows the fudge (or is he?) a painting he did that looks just like something my grandparents used to have in their house.

Fitzlana for some reason doesn't think this guy is gay, but I mean, come on. What kind of straight dude is going to go home from a bar with motherfucking Tyler and the Indigo Girls. Before you know it, Tyler is going down on the fudge in the pool and then bufuing him in the shower. There's only one shower in that house, right? Damn. That pool's fucked, too. Some gay could rub off on you.

As the fudge is heading home in a cab, Tyler yellls to him, Hey Beef, I expect an encore. I know I already called no homo on this entire post, but I'm going to go ahead and call it again, just in case.

Now Fitzlana is having some sort of crisis because she couldn't pick up Bhakti on her gaydar. She's wondering whether one of her boyfriends is gay. I should not that she's floating in the pool, on a life preserver, rocking a black bikini top that's tres sexy. Her boobs look fantastic. She calls the guy and accuses him of being gay. He claims not to be, but he sounds pretty gay over the phone.

He's probably gay. Fucking MTV.

The Real World: Key West - Episode 10: Episode Summary

In case you missed it (priorities, people), there was a big thing (nullus) about Paula Walnuts in today's New York Times. Phony ethical concerns have been raised about her anorexia and here alleged abusive relationship.

One thing I'll have to disagree with the Times on though: Paula doesn't look "painfully underweight;"  she looks perfect, except she's not particularly attractive in the face. I've seen real anorexics, and this broad is no anorexic. Any woman should only hope to have a body like Paula Walnuts.

Not that you would know from watching the show, but the producers have arranged for Paula to see some sort of doctor, probably due to liability concerns. If she ends up dying sometime between now and the end of the season, at least they'll be able to say, Hey, we got the bitch a doctor!

Meanwhile, Zatch brings his skank friend Crystal back to the house. They make out a little bit, but it's obvious she's not about to fuck with all these cameras around. Of course he attempts to portray it as here being more interested in a serious relationship. Awww...

[Sidenote: Holy shit, did you catch the commercial for "The Hills?" I feel so bad for being interested in that. OK, not really. But, you know, in theory.]

They go out again and Paula gets really tanked and really retarded, but you wonder if she's not just acting out because she wants someone to put his love and/or shoe on her. Lo and behold, she calls her allegedly abusive bf and reveals to him that she's going to see a doctor, but then she somehow manages to break the phone mid-conversation.

Then my boy Zatch pulls a pretty slick maneuver. He calls the bitch over to the house and lay the old ultimatum on her. Sorry, babe. This just isn't going to work. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Before you know it, the two of them are getting busy, camera crew be damned.

Paula finally gets to see the doctor (a real Stephen Spielberg-looking mofo) and turns on the helpless anorexic girl schtick hardcore. She claims to be on diet pills w/ ephedra, even though we've yet to see her pop anything on camera. Also, if she's actually bulimic, when and where is she doing all of this throwing up? Lying bitch.

The Real World: Key West - Episode 9: Episode Summary

So the gang temporarily relocates to West Palm Beach. Not to be confused with any other parts of Palm Beach, which I'm assuming is where the black people live. Because MTV is concerned that this season fucking sucks balls, it's arranged that all 7 of them (even the gay one) stay in the same room together.

From what I understand, this episode may involve a situation with Bananas and the gay guy, which ends in violence. If this is the case, it can only be blamed on the TIs at MTV. Bananas was probably on edge from having to sleep with one eye open all weekend. A man can never be too safe. And it's bad enough he has to deal with Lesbo Paula cock blocking.

Is West Palm Beach supposed to be some sort of gay mecca? They go out to a bar there and it appears to be rather teh ghey, even though from what I understand it's not an actual teh ghey bar. The gay guy allegedly hears Bananas making an "egregious" gay joke (even though you can't hear it), and decides to throw a drink on him.

Bananas then throws his drink on him - for which the gay guy claims to be "glad," and then opts to
move this part outside, lest it erupt into actual fisticuffs. Tyler is his name, by the way. I can't believe we're almost 10 episodes into this shit and I still can't remember people's names. That really says something.

Like this lame-ass hurricane itself (where are the floating corpses?), this incident between Tyler and Bananas is decidedly underwhelming. Turns out Tyler wasn't going to make an issue about the whole gay thing, but Bananas crossed a line when he used the word "faggot." Meanwhile, what's a gay joke without the word faggot, really?

Svetlana should be more prominently featured in these episodes. Geezus H. Paula meets a guy who kinda reminds me of ESPN Kevin from the Back to New York season, but then catches him staring at Svetlana's boobs, which causes her to throw yet another bitch fit. Maybe the two of them will get into a hot lesbian fight of some sorts.

Back in Key West, which doesn't appear any worse for the wear, Paula is back to working her old alleged domestic abuse angle to get back in Bananas' good graces. If I was him, I'm not sure I'd believe her without seeing any photographs. Chicks will say anything to get some action.