ByronCrawford.com

I got my Wii back

Well, Kinda
As a matter of follow-up to my special Christmas Eve post, I just thought I'd point out that my little brother did get me another Wii. Nullus.

He brought it over to my parents' house on Christmas and tried to give it to me as if it was a present. Which almost caused me to put my shoe on him. Fortunately for him, he also got me a Sirius satellite radio.

I haven't had it set up yet, but it's only a matter of time before I'm cranking Howard Stern in the van. My bad, Melissa Perfect Calmness. Hopefully, this won't cause too much of a snag in our relationship. Also, I'm not gonna lie, I went especially hard on the food and alcohol over the holday. I'm definitely not in my peak physical form.

Finally, I know some people were wondering how my little brother could accidentally ingest dog shit. Well, from what I understand, his dog was locked in a cage all day and got the shits. It shit enough that shit rose up over the edge of the cage and onto the floor. Also, the dog's fur was covered in shit. My mom thinks my little brother might have accidentally ingested some shit while cleaning this up. But my little brother thinks he might have caught something from one of the kids at his job. The official diagnosis was colitis - an inflammation of the colon.

Some children need to be left behind

A Special Christmas Story
One time, this smoking hot broad I used to work with came up to me and told me I should let her know if I found out any schools were hiring teachers. She had just gotten out of college, and I guess felt she was too good for the BGM.

I told her I didn't have any idea what the fuck is going on in schools these days. Obviously. But I thought schools were always hiring? She was like, "Yeah, but you'd probably have to go work down in the ghetto somewhere."

It's one of my favorite things a girl has ever said to me, in part because I'm pretty sure that, due to my facility with the English language, white chicks will often say shit to me that they wouldn't say to most black people. I'm like the Barack Obama of white trash retail.

And I'm not gonna lie. I'd rather actually shove my joint in a broad... but if her cans are big enough, I'll stand there and listen to her explain how she can't afford to make $8 an hour for the rest of her life. I'm sensitive and understanding like that.

Anyway, she may have had a point. I can see wanting to teach little kids in the ghetto to read, on the outside that maybe they can join the mainstream. But you don't want to put yourself at too much of a risk.

My little brother teaches PE in an elementary school in that same district where, you'll recall, one of the teachers allegedly gave AIDS - the gift that keeps on giving - to as many as 50 of the students in a high school.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, he broke into my apartment and stole my Nintendo Wii. I rolled off of the couch at the ass crack of 11 a.m., looked up at my TV, and was like, "What the fuck happened to my Wii?" Nullus.

I called my little brother and was like, "Dude, someone broke in and stole the Wii." He was like, "Actually, I took it. I needed it for work. But I need you to drive down to the ghetto and drop off the sensor bar, so I can actually use it."

The fuck?

Obviously, the reason he broke in, in the middle of the night (admittedly, it could have been like 8:00 in the morning), and stole it is because he knew good and well, if he asked if he could borrow it, I would have told him the same thing Garth Algar told his sister when she asked if she could use his Def Leppard records.

As much money as I pay in taxes (this despite the fact that I hardly make any money), the school ought to be able to buy it's own motherfucking Nintendo Wii. Plus, that damn thing cost more money than I probably had in my bank account at any given point in 2008. I didn't want to run the risk of it getting broken, and me having to curse out a ghetto elementary school principal, and/or whoop some young kid's ass.

But then my little brother offered to give me $10 if I drove down to the ghetto and dropped off the sensor bar. And I knew I could use that $10. So I was like, fuck it, let me go ahead and take this damn sensor bar down to the ghetto.

Fast forward a few weeks later. My Wii is still at this elementary school down in the ghetto. No Boutros. If I would have known my Wii was gonna be gone for that long, I probably wouldn't have agreed to letting him use it. I definitely would have demanded more than $10. You can't get a Wii from Blockbuster for that long for $10, can you? (You can still get systems from Blockbuster, right?)

Yesterday, my little brother stopped by to play the new Guitar Hero, and the discussion somehow turned to my Wii. No homo. He was like, "Actually, I had to cop another Wii. I just haven't brought it by yet."

Again... the fuck!?!?!?!

A couple of weeks ago, he accidentally ingested some dog shit and had to spend a few days in the hospital. (I know, likely story.) While he was laid up, one of the kids at his school made off with my Wii. [||] Or, he thinks it may have been one of the temporary staff they recently hired on.

But I wonder if he was just saying that because, when you're a teacher, it's your natural tendency to want to protect your students and your cowokers. How could he know who stole my Wii? In fact, I wonder if he even has another Wii (of course, he's yet to bring it by here), or if he's out today frantically shopping for one.

It just goes to show: When you try to lend something to one of these schools, despite the fact that they already get money from the government, which came from your pockets in the first place, you're basically just buying someone else's kid a Christmas present.

What do you fruits think? Should I head down to the ghetto to conduct an interrogation process? Should law enforcement be involved? Or should I just charge this one to the game? After all, my little brother supposedly did cop me another Wii.

I told you don't touch daddy's Xbox

I'm not gonna lie, I've had instances where I was playing a video game, and some thoughtless sack of shit walked past the TV and kicked out the cord, and the first thought that came to my mind was: Where's that sharp knife we used to have?

I suppose the fact that I've never gone looking for it could be viewed as either a) proof of just how fucking lazy I am, or b) the difference between myself and the likes of this guy Tyrone Spellman, pictured above. Perhaps both.

The other day, Tyrone Spellman was convicted of pummeling his baby daughter to death after she had the sheer balls to screw with daddy's Xbox.

No, really:

A man who played video games for hours each day has been convicted of killing his 17-month-old daughter when she pulled out his Xbox console.

[...]

Prosecutors in Philadelphia believe he pummelled Alayiah Turman, cracking her skull several times, while her pregnant mother slept in another room on September 7, 2006.

Damn.

That's so disgusting I almost can't see the humor in it.

Almost.

Checkit: Father Kills Daughter Over Xbox Console [Sky News]

Asian kids brutally injured by a toy

Speaking of the Asian community, I was checking my email just now and I came across this story about how mad Japanese kids have been getting fucked the fuck up by an arm wrestling machine called "Arm Spirit," one of these bizarre arcade games that they have just like in that movie Lost in Translation.

The idea is that you pump some quarters into this machine and then you can challenge it in arm wrestling. Because I guess the kids over there are too lonely to arm wrestle one another. Apparently they're also too weak to play this game, since quite a few of them have had their arms broken by this machine.

Some bizarre details on the game, according to the CNN story:

Players of "Arm Spirit" advance through 10 levels, battling a French maid, drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua before reaching the final showdown with a professional wrestler.

Now, I could appreciate if this was some design flaw in the machine that was causing so many kids to get their shit mangled, especially in a summer when there appears to be an epidemic of kids being thrown from roller coasters, not to mention poisoned by toothpaste, but no. Apparently that isn't the case.

According to a spokesperson from the company that makes Arm Spirit:

"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said Atlus spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama, calling the recall "a precaution."

Damn.

Obviously they were a bit too optimistic in their estimation, no?

Checkit: Broken arms cause games recall [CNN]

People prefer Wii over Xbox 360

According to Last Week's Poll
The last year or so has seen the release of new video game systems from all of the industry's top players. Last week's poll sought to determine which of them is the best.

The results:

Best new system?

1. Playstation 3 (149 votes)
2. Nintendo Wii (106 votes)
3. Xbox 360 (101 votes)

As much as I enjoy playing video games, I rarely get the chance anymore. These days I'm usually at the BGM or blogging or, um, reading.

When I do get a few minutes to pick up a game and go in (nullus), it's usually the Nintendo DS. I'm also thinking about picking up the PSP, even though it doesn't have as many good games as the DS.

Obviously the big surprise this week was that Nintendo's new Wii was able to squeak out a victory over the Xbox 360. It makes you wonder how many people have actually tried playing the Wii.

Just to see what it would be like, I picked up my digital cable remote and swung it at the TV for a few minutes. Call me crazy, but all it seemed to do was make my arm that much more tired.

That said, the Wii might have the edge over the 360 in the long run just because it's different[1]. The Xbox 360, meanwhile, may come to be viewed as a slightly less capable PS3.

[1] Never let it be said that Asian people aren't smart.

***

Next week's poll, which is already up and running, is one of the most important polls I've run on this site in weeks. Vote early and vote often.

PS3, anyone?

An Informal Poll
So, the new PS3 went on sale last night/this morning. Are any of you d-bags planning on picking one up. (From what I understand, that new Nintendo system may also be available, but who gives a fuck about it anyway?)

It could be the case that I'm just surrounded by insufferable d-bags (and it certainly seems like this), but all of the people I've talked to who were looking into picking one up today were doing so with the intention of flipping it on eBay.

Which kinda sucks if you ask me. No Weezy F Baby. It's too bad that so many people who might want to cop a PS3 this year so that they can actually play it won't be able to. I didn't want one bad enough to pitch a tent outside a Best Buy for the past two nights in a row, but if I could, say, just show up some time this weekend, plop down the entire contents of my savings account (i.e. $600) and walk out with one, I might be tempted.

Sony PSP ad racist?

(click image to enlarge)

Here's a rather bizarre ad for the Sony PSP which some in the online gaming community are claiming is racist.

Personally, I'm not sure what to make of it, though I do find the idea of a really hot white chick choking the shit out of a black person strangely erotic. Don't read into that one too much, or you might get burned by the molten lava.

I couldn't make out whether the black person pictured in the ad is a man or a woman, which should serve as evidence to any black women reading this that the "skee ball" is decidedly not a good loook.

What do you bags think? Is that a man or a woman? Is this ad racist?

XBOX 360 + HD = Yes!

You guys play video games, right? Yesterday, I went to the store with El Estacion to buy a HDTV, and we ended up getting both an HDTV and an XBOX 360.

This week Best Buy is running a deal where you can get a pretty decent HDTV, an XBOX 360, a game and a wireless controller for $1,000. The TV alone costs $800, so you end up "saving" about $300, give or take. If you've been thinking about getting an HDTV and a 360, you might want to check this deal out before the week is over.

The cable company won't be over to hook up the HD until tomorrow, which sucks because last night was the season finales of The Sopranos and Big Love. I guess I'll catch the reruns later in the week. And then there's always Deadwood and Entourage next weekend. And whatever the fuck Dane Cook's Tourgasm is. Nullus?

But we got the 360 up and running in HD and let me tell you, it's pretty damn slick. Usually, I could care less about owning a video game system right when it's released. For example, we had the PS2 the day it came out and the shit didn't strike me as being much better than my Dreamcast, which cost like half as much.

I'd have to say though, the XBOX 360, running in HD, seems like a pretty significant leap over the previous generation of video game systems. The games themselves aren't anything you can't play on a regular old XBOX, but the level of presentation is just a lot more impressive on the new equipment.

As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I'd suggest you pick one up.

Border Patrol, the video game

Speaking of illegal immigration, racism, and what have you, Aryan website The Insurgent has a whole slew (a horde, if you will) of racist, flash-based video games, including "Border Patrol," in which you try to shoot illegal immigrants as they run across the US-Mexico border.

A total of 88 of them fly across the screen in the space of maybe 10 seconds, but some of them are pregnant women with children, which count as multiple kills per hit. The little drug smugglers are the hardest of all to hit. I've played it maybe 10 times now (I know) and I've still yet to make it out of the 30s, but I'm playing on a laptop.

Other games featured on the site include "Driveby 2 (Feel what it's like in the ghetto.)," "Watch Out Behind You Hunter! (Shoot the fags before they rape you!)," and "Kaboom! (Arab Training Game)." I liked the "Border Patrol" one best myself, but that "Driveby 2" is not to be slept on.

Regardless of where you come down on the issue, you have to admit this is some hilarious shit.

Checkit:

• Border Patrol [The Insurgent]

(via TheThink)

The game list

Not to participate in any kind of nerd poll, or admit to still playing video games as if this was 1995, but Morty posted one of these at The Book of Fitz and so I figured I should probably get in on the action, nullus.

BEST BASKETBALL GAME: NBA Jam, SNES. Basketball video games usually suck anyway, but the old NBA Jam was the shit. I spent an insane amount of time playing it back in the day. Double Dribble and Jordan vs. Bird for the NES were also great for their time.

BEST FOOTBALL GAME: Tecmo Bowl, NES. Madden's cool for what it is, and obviously it's got its own legion of nerds followers, but I'm surprised the Tecmo Bowl model of video game football pretty much died with the SNES and Sega Genesis. 'Tis unfortunate.

BEST BASEBALL GAME: Baseball Stars, NES. I won't generally mess around with baseball games, either, but this game for the NES was just incredible. It hade a make your own team option back before that was as common as syphillus

BEST HOCKEY GAME: Blades of Steel, NES. I never knew anyone who was sorry enough to own the generically named Ice Hockey back then, and I don't care enough about the sport to have tried any hockey games since.

BEST FIGHTING GAME: Soul Calibur, Dreamcast. This was ahead of its time when I got it back in 2001, which was like 2 years after it came out. It still plays better than anything from this current generation of fighting games and doesn't look especially worse.

BEST ADVENTURE GAME: Zelda: A Link to the Past, SNES. I picked this up recently and it seemed incredibly lame just like most Nintendo products, but nothing was coming close to seeing this back in 1992.

BEST TENNIS GAME: Virtua Tennis, Dreamcast. Tennis 2K2 might be better, but I never played it. The original was good enough though that I would play it until my hand felt like it was about to fall off, seriously.

BEST ARAB GAME: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, PS2. The fighting in this game is fucking teh ghey, but otherwise this game is the shit. Also, it's easy enough that I can pretend as if I'm really good at this shit, like that kid in The Wizard.

BEST RACING GAME: Burnout 3: Takedown, PS2. Again, I haven't played the most recent one, but I'm wondering how much there really was to improve. Rad Racer for the old NES deserves a mention, also.

BEST SKATING GAME: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2, Dreamcast. Fuck all these new games with story lines and Bam Margera and shit. This was really about as good as this series ever got.

BEST ROLE PLAYING GAME: Final Fantasy 7, PSOne. You would think that with today's technology they would've surpassed this by now, but no. If they ever release some sort of sequel, expect to see thousands of jobs lost and marriages broken up.

BEST SURVIVAL HORROR GAME: Resident Evil: Code Veronica, Dreamcast. I've heard that this newest one for Gamecube and PS2 is insanely good, but it may be a year before I can afford it. Until then, this is still the favorite.

BEST DODGEBALL GAME: Super Dodgeball, NES. Like River City Ransom, only with dodgeballs (actually volleyballs). Arguably, the best game ever.

Feel free to discuss.