January 28, 2014
Like a desperate hoodrat who's already listed all three of her kids on her light bill, hip-hop bloggers are in the weird position of having already declared that 1993 was the best year in rap music of all time, of ALL TIME. Now what are they supposed to write about?
New music is obviously out of the question. Part of the reason MFN Macklemore was able to more or less sweep the rap categories at the Grammys the other day is because the incumbent group of corporate rappers just aren't bringing it anymore.
Magna Carta Holy Grail, regardless of what Combat Jack says, is so bad that even the fogey CACs who vote for the Grammys listened to it and were like, "This is not good rap music, it? See, I could tell!" They aren't usually in the business of denying awards to someone who's as "with the program" as Jay-Z. (You'd think his siding with Barney's over black people would have counted for something.)
Shit, Jay-Z's getting to the point where he's not even so far apart in age from the average Grammys voter. With the death yesterday of protest singer Pete Seeger at the ripe old age of 94, he just moved that much closer to the top of the list. He should be cleaning up.
Similarly, Grammy voters must have taken one listen to Yeezus, with its ear-splitting Nine Inch Nails synths and its talk of shoving black dingaling in your white spouse's thangy thang, and were like, "Fuck that shit!" Kanye didn't even bother showing up this year, probably because he knew he didn't stand a chance of winning. I'm surprised he even scored two nominations. They must not know the names of very many rappers.
Macklemore going up against this group of shit sandwiches was the cultural appropriation equivalent of Barack Obama going up against John McCain and Sarah Palin in '08. Remember that time they let John McCain freely wander the stage at one of the debates, and it looked like he may have forgotten where he was? He may have seen an Asian guy in a black turtleneck in the audience and temporarily "checked out" mentally. Remember that time they asked Sarah Palin which newspapers she reads?
I know it's just January (almost Black History Month!), but I can't think of a single rap album that's come out this year, nor anything I'm looking forward to. Remember back in the mid 2000s, when there were seemingly hundreds of rap albums coming out each Tuesday, in that brief period in between when the technology got to the point where literally any ol' dumbass could drop a rap album, and the point at which people finally began to realize that there was no point in trying (which there isn't)? That was terrible!
Writing about old music is actually kinda like Rap Genius, in that it's a perfect catch-22 of failure in hip-hop journalism. Rap Genius can never be accurate or useful because no one who annotates lyrics on Rap Genius knows from rap music, and no one who knows from rap music would annotate lyrics on Rap Genius. Similarly, you should never read an article about how x minus 20 (with x being whatever year it is) was the best year ever for rap music, because no one who's sitting around writing articles about 20 year-old rap albums had listened to them before being assigned said article.
I actually fell into the trap of trying to listen to Enter the Wu-Tang again on the 20th anniversary of the day it came out. I think it was a Saturday afternoon; I'd stumbled upon an article about how this was the 20th anniversary of Enter the Wu-Tang, and I didn't have shit else to do. It only took me a few minutes of listening to it to realize that, even though it had probably been a good 15 years since I last heard it, I still knew every single note of that album.
I'm almost as bored with it now as I was whenever I stopped listening to it on the reg back in the mid to late '90s (remember when you could listen to an album for like two years straight?), and it's likely that I'll be Jay-Z's age (66) before it sounds at all new or interesting to me again -- and even then only due to the ravages of some degenerative brain disease. I didn't feel compelled to either read or write an article about how great it is, and I would imagine this was the case for most grown, knowledgable hip-hop heads. Though I might have written an article about it anyway, for the $20, if only I had the complexion for the protection. $20 is $20. Shit, I've scrubbed toilets for $5.15.
My fear is that, since I'm sure the assholes who wrote those articles were careful to declare 1993 a "seminal" year in rap music, rather than the best year evar, we could be subjected to yet another year of articles about rap albums that happen to be 20 years old. I was always under the impression that 1994, the year both Illmatic and Ready to Die dropped, was regarded as the better year for rap music anyway. And in fact, I'm at a loss for how 2013 came to be viewed primarily as the 20th anniversary of 1993, rather than the 25th anniversary of 1988, arguably the best year ever for rap music, other than that's how clueless these people are.
Well, it's too late now. They'll have to wait until 2018 for the years to match up again, and hopefully I'll get run over by a bus in the interim. #optimism
January 27, 2014
Lord Jamar, who's both drunk and still reeling from having been forced to take a shower with another guy, for a TV show 15 years ago, has suggested that the reason Macklemore took home four Grammys last night is because he's white, and because the Illuminati is trying to push the gay agenda on the black community.
He's only half-right, at best. The part about the Illuminati trying to push the gay agenda on the black community, as a soft kill weapon (along with Church's chicken), definitely is true, and is impossible to deny after Macklemore's "Same Love" performance last night, which was somehow gayer than if two gay guys came out and cornholed each other while a Drake CD played in the background.
But the part about Macklemore winning all the rap awards because he's white, and the Grammys are trying to steal rap music from black people, is BS. The Grammys definitely are a racist institution, just like every other institution in the United States of Murikkka, let alone the music business, but they don't express their racism by nominating a black artist for an award and then giving the award to a less-deserving white artist in the same category, because what sense does that make?
White people don't have to sweat trying to steal hip-hop from black people through the cunning use of awards show voting systems, because they already own hip-hop, both in the sense that they quite literally have papers stating that they own everything in hip-hop, and any black guy who seems like he owns something is really just an employee, and also in the sense that they've somehow managed to take over the actual music. Not only are the pop charts dominated by white artists playing black-ish music, but so are the hip-hop/R&B charts.
If all the songs that people actually buy are by white performers, and the checks all go to a white guy, before whatever relatively minuscule amount, if anything, trickles down to the artist, regardless of race, what difference does it make who wins the award? They could have just as easily given all of the rap awards to the most black artist possible. They could have given those awards to Wesley Snipes, accepting live via satellite from Africa, with his balls hanging out of his bathrobe and the ritual sacrifice of a white child taking place in the background.
White Grammy voters don't have a problem giving an award to a black artist, because the recording academy is made up of old CACs who used to #fuxwit black music heavy back when black music was worth a shit. That's why Daft Punk, i.e. really just Nile Rodgers and Pharrell Williams, was the real big winner last night, taking home five statues to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' four, including the most prestigious categories, best song and best album. "Get Lucky," which is barely a song, sounds like what music sounded like the last year a lot of those guys were able to pop a rod on their own, 1979.
The only reason Macklemore & Ryan Lewis went home with so much hardware last night is because there's more categories for rap music than you'd think. If there's gonna be five categories for rap music, let alone all of the other categories a rap artist could conceivably win, why don't they have categories that are more relevant to rap music, like best lyricist, for people who actually write their rhymes? (Sorry, Kanye.) Giving an award for best rap/sung collaboration just encourages people to release songs with some chick singing on the chorus.
January 24, 2014
Mister Cee is as gay as a three-dollar bill, so why does he continue to insist that he's straight?
Asked in a recent profile in GQ whether or not he's what's known in midwestern suburbs as "a fudge," Mister Cee is adamant that he's not. Because he's never cornholed another guy, nor, presumably has he let another guy eff him in the a. He doesn't want to offend anyone, but he finds that transgender women only serve one purpose, "and that's for oral sex." Roffle.
This seems like the kind of arbitray distinction invented by guys in prison who had an unfortunate run-in with "Nasty" Nate Mortensen in the cafeteria, and the Squirrel Master was nowhere to be found. Who says a gay guy isn't gay just because he only gets head from other guys, not culo? George Takei only gets head from his boyfriend Brad, because he finds bufuing disgusting. (See, if I said it!)
And how do we know for a fact that Mister Cee only finds transgender women useful for slobbing on his knob like corn on the cob? Just because he said so in GQ? The guy's a known liar.
Mister Cee has been arrested for cruising for tranny hookers at least three times that we're aware of. He admitted as much in the story in GQ, though he also admitted to having been able to keep past arrests from leaking to the press, either thanks to sympathetic individuals in law enforcement, or the complete and utter ineptitude of hip-hop journalists.
The first time he actually made the news for cruising for sloppy top from tranny hookers, he tried to cop a plea, explaining that he didn't realize that the undercover cop he was arrested for trying to solicit was really a guy.
I'd have to take a look at this cop to say for certain, but I could almost see Mister Cee getting duped by 5-0, if they did a really good job of making the undercover look like a woman. I've heard stories of guys copping blowskis on the street and not realizing it was a guy until after the fact. Fat Lip from the Pharcyde famously made out with a tranny on the beach and got a knob shine from it before finding out it was really a guy and beating the shit out of it in an alley.
That's why it's important to perform what Chingy calls a neck check (he really did use that term once in an interview) on a hoo-er before receiving a professional, or on any woman who seems overly compliant or not sufficiently attitudinal. It could be a guy.
If a male undercover cop is made up to the point where, from a distance, he looks like a woman with bad self-esteem, with a weave and too much makeup, who may have been "tampered with" at some point in her life, and you're arrested before you get a chance to touch his throat, or at least have him hold his head back so you can take a look, that shouldn't count as cruising for a tranny hooker, because those are precisely the qualities you'd be looking for in a woman selling her pussy on the street.
Really, if you're gonna pay for it, you should avoid girls who walk a stroll. Girls who walk a stroll are likely to be guys, because walking a stroll is dangerous. You could get killed. New York has had a lot of problems in the past few years with dead hookers turning up on the beach out on Long Island, like a proverbial message in a bottle. I'd either get a girl who works with an agency, or a girl who has a pimp, who can be contacted via Village Voice Media's Backpage.com.
Girls who work with agencies are certain to be girls (if that's what you select), because agencies charge a shedload of money, and therefore they strive to guarantee a certain level of quality (and discretion). A girl from an agency is liable to be more attractive than anyone you could even see here in my native Missouri, let alone hope to hook up with, for free or otherwise. Many of them arrive on boats from Russia and Eastern Europe, on the docks in Baltimore. Sometimes they forget to drill a hole in the shipping container, and the hoo-ers are all dead by the time they get here. Whoops!
Girls who work with a pimp are certain to be girls because only a woman can be coerced into making sweet, passionate love to a strange man and then turning the money over to someone else. There's an element of what's known in the social sciences as a self-selection.
Certainly, if you're gonna purchase love on the street, you should avoid areas that are notorious for gay prostitution. When Mister Cee was busted soliciting that cop, it was on Christopher Street, a few blocks from Hot 97, a notorious teh ghey district. It even sounds like the name of a street where teh ghey guys would hang out, and in fact, that may or may not be why it was chosen. (Can any New Yorkers confirm this?) Mister Cee can't claim to not be familiar with the neighborhoods in New York, because (a) he's worked nearby for 20 years; (b) he lauds himself on his willingness to travel anywhere in the tri-state area to get that DJ $$$ on the weekends (that head's not gonna purchase itself); and (c) he spends a good half the article giving the writer a hip-hop tour of Brooklyn, for the edification of the cultural tourists who read GQ.
And that's not even counting the time he got caught in flagrante delicto (emphasis on licto) in his car, in broad daylight, with a guy dressed as a girl; or the time, a few months back, when he got caught on tape jawing over the price with Tranny Winehouse, possibly because he hasn't been able to get as many jobs in Jamaican clubs now that everyone knows he's a batty (it might bring out "the wrong element"), and he's too deep in denial to start spinning in gay bars, where he could probably clean up, both literally and figuratively. Bombaclot!
Now that he's been busted cruising for tranny hookers enough times to make it an according to Hoyle trend, per the New York Times' rule, his strategy has shifted from trying to pretend that it was the world's most unfortunate accident (more so than the Challenger explosion, depending on how you look at it), to admitting that yeah, he was in another guy's mouth, but that doesn't count as him being gay, because it's possible to get head from another guy and still be straight... in his own warped imagination.
Next thing you know, someone will turn up video of him balls deep in another guy's asshole, and he'll still be claiming to be straight, because if you look closely, you'll see that he had his fingers crossed. It might already exist somewhere, on the teh ghey version of Pr0nHub, alongside video of Lord Jamar taking a shower with Augustus Hill on Oz, helping him scrub beneath his ballsack, lest it become fused to his inner thigh, but I'm only willing to go but so far for hip-hop journalism.
And what difference does it make anyway? We already know he's gay. There's no rule saying you can get head from another guy and still be straight. In fact, not only are you gay if you've ever been in another guy's mouth, you're gay if it occurred to you, even momentarily, that a guy who's been in another guy's mouth might not be gay.
January 23, 2014
The ridonkulous litany of publicity stunts designed to make Justin Bieber a/k/a Biebler look like a badass is growing tiresome.
First he was hanging out with black kids. (Not the band from mid to late '00s, god forbid.) Then he was playing ball tag with that Jewish guy who discovered Asher Roth -- alas, not fatally. Then he banged two hoo-ers who looked like they may have been from a circa '03 episode of Bang Bus, back when they were using actually crack hoes from the streets of Miami.
The other day, he threw some eggs at his neighbor's house. 5-0 showed up to investigate, and one of Biebler's black friends, who's supposedly a rapper, had accidentally left his coke laying out on the table. So he got arrested.
If Biebler were black, he would have been arrested too, and 5-0 would have seized his cars so that they could sell them to themselves and their relatives at a steep discount. If any hoo-ers were on the scene, they may have even tried to lay a "human trafficking" rap on him, which is the BS term they use now in any situation in which a woman may or may not have charged for her pussy. Didn't that once happen to Wacka Flocka?
A few days later, perhaps in order to assure his fans that he was sniffing that coke too, Biebler drew some graffiti with a picture of sizzurp. (Past Biebler graffiti has included racist sambo imagery.) This of course prompted outcry in the media that Biebler might actually be sippin' on some sizzurp. And with good cause: probably as many rappers have died now from sizzurp as got shot back in the '90s. It's just that they all sucked balls. And that's not even counting the ones who are still alive but can hardly ride on an airplane without having a seizure.
If the kid's gonna do drugs, he should be on coke. It's not like he can't afford it. Shit, it's already there at his house. His little black friend might need to spend some time hanging with some more-authentic rappers, to develop strategies to make sure that the stash is protected and to keep interactions with the po-lice at a bare minimum. Why are they committing acts of vandalism while they've got coke sitting out on the table? Biebler's neighbors were probably itching to dial 911 from the moment they saw that black kid pull up. Their property value will fuck around and fall through the floor.
And now here's Biebler down in Florida drag-racing in a Lamborghini as if he's in one of those Fast and the Furious movies, this just a mere matter of months after Paul Walker ate it in that Porsche. He's now in heaven kicking it with 2Pac, per an Internets meme that spread via Twitter the week he died. And in a sense that's appropriate, because he must have honestly been under the impression that his life was one of those Fast and the Furious movies, the same way 'Pac was walking around in a Benjy Bronk-style shtick coma from the moment he was cast in Juice.
My little brother was actually the first kid in America to wreck a car after seeing The Fast and the Furious, the day it came out back in '01. My whole family is at the forefront of unfortunate trends.
I got involved in drag-racing for a minute, right around the same time. Some redneck kids I worked with at White Castle were doing it at night, after we got off work, on a highway out in the sticks (which was only a hop, skip and a jump from our job). It's probably the single dumbest thing you can do, and your father probably has to be a blood relative of your mother in order for you to truly to enjoy it.
These kids were racing in '80s-era sedans and econo boxes, but they were still going upwards of 100 miles an hour. At 22, I was probably a good five years older than anyone else there. (That's where my life was, at that point.) Those kids shouldn't have been driving in the first place. If they would have hit anything, or if anything had gone wrong with those cars (a distinct possibility), it would have been all over.
I may have been amongst the first kids in the area to get involved in drag-racing, at least recently. Before then, I had never even heard of kids racing their cars out on the highway. They may have all been inspired by The Fast and the Furious. I only went once or twice, but after that I started hearing more and more stories on the news and in the paper about kids dying in drag-racing accidents. I may have contributed to the deaths of rednecks.
Biebler, they say, had just left a night club in his Lamborghini. He had some of his weed carriers block off an intersection so he'd have plenty of room to speed, which is soft and doesn't contribute to his image as a badass. If he really wanted to drag race, he should have gone out to the sticks somewhere. I've seen YouTube videos of guys drag-racing on highways down in Florida. They were probably going twice as fast as we were going in those shit boxes. Drag-racing must be tacitly condoned in some parts of Florida the same way drunk driving is in the city of St. Louis.
As far as I know, Biebler didn't have any contraband on him (nor did he have a license), but he did admit to the cops to having beer, weed and prescription meds in his system. This seems stupid to me for a couple of reasons. First of all, what sense does it make admitting to the cops that you're drunk? Has he not read my post on how you're legally allowed to decline taking a breathalyzer, at which point the cops have to get a warrant from a judge to test your blood alcohol content, and you might be sober by then anyway? Does he not know how to read? Also, take a look at the list of substances he's supposedly on. It would be difficult for me to find anyone I know who doesn't have beer, weed and prescription meds in their system literally at all times. Beer and prescription meds are legal, albeit not for kids, and weed is quasi-legal all over the place. He lives in California, right? He could just claim to have smoked weed in California, where it's considered eye medicine. That shit stays in your system.
Not that Biebler is at any real risk of spending a significant amount of time in the joint. That's why he had no problem drawing 5-0 a diagram explaining all of the various laws he was in violation of. His Jewish lawyer will have this reduced to a noise ordinance, and he'll be back on the streets in no time. If Biebler wants to impress me, he needs to do something that society really will look down on him for. Chris Brown used Rihanna's head as a punching bag in his Lamborghini. I'm not saying Justin Bieber should beat up a woman. I'm just saying.
January 22, 2014
RapRadar is widely lambasted in its own comments section, on Black People Twitter, on podcasts and probably elsewhere for dickriding mainstream artists and ignoring talented up and coming artists. If Beats Music chose RapRadar to pick rap songs for them, then what does that tell you about Beats Music?
Beats Music is the streaming music service for people who don't like music. The only good reason to join is because you feel that Jimmy Iovine doesn't already have enough money, and you want to do whatever you can to help. You've already got a $200 pair of headphones that the New York Times says aren't even any good.
I skimmed one and a half articles about Beats Music just now, and I'm at a loss for why anyone would pay $10 for their service, which has no free version, when you could just as easily use Spotify and Songza, both of which are free, albeit ad-supported, and are just as good, if not better. It's not clear to me how Beats Music improves on either of them.
Full disclosure: I was once given something like three months worth of the premium version of Spotify, without the ads, for free, from DA Wallach from Chester French and a guy who said he was from the Illuminati, probably because they were trying to get me to install software on my computer to track my movement on the Internets, so they can figure out how I put together RackRadar and turn it into some sort of "startup" with unfortunate white slavery connotations, possibly in conjunction with Village Voice Media's Backpage.com.
I used Spotify for the few months before they cut off my free premium version and tried to get me to fork over my credit card number and what have you, because they must think I'm stupid. I found it to be madd convenient. There's nothing like being able to access every single song there ever was, save a few artists on indie labels that no one wants to listen to anyway, on demand. I was listening to things I didn't even want to listen to, because they were free. It's the musical equivalent of a Chinese buffet and/or a pr0n tube site.
They can use that last quote in ads for their service, if they want to. They already know when I can be contacted.
When my free Spotify Premium ran out, it was still back when you could listen to as much free, ad-supported Spotify as you wanted to. That was how I first started listening to Spotify, back when it first came out here in the US. But at that point I'd gotten too used to Spotify Premium, with no ads and the full mobile version, so I was just like fuck it. I went back to listening to a combination of music I either illegally downloaded from the Internets, or was sent by desperate rappers, or I just pulled up on YouTube, which is arguably even more convenient that Spotify, depending on what you're using it for. (Obviously, I wasn't about to pay for Spotify.)
Later they put a cap on how much Spotify you're allowed to listen to for free, which had the ironic result of strengthening my resolve to not pay for it, but it's since been announced that they removed said cap, the other day, clearly to prevent anyone with the sense god gave geese from signing up for Beats Music. Rdio, which was never as popular as Spotify and is running out of money, made a similar announcement a mere matter of hours later. If they're in such a bad way, I'd expect them to make a more generous offer. Is there any way they can arrange for the Vivian Girls to service me? I'll travel, if necessary. Or are they one of the indie acts who opted out, because these streaming services pay apartheid rates to indie labels?
If they paid better rates to indie labels, and therefore got all of the indie labels that aren't on Spotify and Beats Music to sign up, I might actually use Rdio. But I still wouldn't pay for it. LOL. But I'd still be supporting the cause, because I'd be subjected to those ads. And it's not like I could pay for it if I wanted to. I literally can't afford the $10 a month. If the artists I listen to only receive $.28 from me in 2014, that's $.28 more than they would have received otherwise. (And I be the TIs' cut was upwards of a dollar!)
Beats Music's one kinda unique feature, human-curated playlists based on where you are and what you're doing, sounds like a jank version of Songza, which is incredible and doesn't cost anything. Their other main feature, playlists curated by supposed experts, is the exact same thing they have in Spotify, and probably any number of other streaming music services (of which there are like 18), except more suspects.
Whereas the purpose of expert-curated playlists in other streaming music services is to get someone who knows what they're talking about to suggest songs for you, in Beats Music they seem to be part of the same nebulous, sketchy, double-dealing maze of brand partnerships in which, say, RapRadar, secretly owned by Eminem's manager, funded by ad money that's funneled straight from Interscope's coffers into their account each month via Direct Deposit, runs angry "editorials" about Eminem should be included in MTV's list of the hottest MCs in the game, even though he sucks now, probably on orders from Eminem's manager himself, as revealed in an email conversations I got my hands on a few years ago.
Spotify was supposed to expand the size of the (paid) streaming music market, and it plateaued a long time ago. Beats Music can't hope to peel any subscribers from Spotify's column, because they don't have a worthwhile value proposition to speak of. Hence, Beats Music's plan is to try to grow the size of the market for streaming music services by appealing to people who don't really care for music. That wasn't a joke, that really is their strategy.
There must be any number of people with enough money that they wouldn't even notice $10 missing from their account each month -- the same kind of dumbasses (and old people, especially old people) who still pay $30 a month to access their AOL email address. How can Beats Music appeal to this group of idiots? In other words, how can Beats Music create the streaming music service equivalent of Beats by Dre headphones?
RapRadar is obviously ground zero for people who like rap music at least well-enough that they've heard of RapRadar (which, for all of Elliott Wilson's bluster, isn't as high-traffic as some of the other top hip-hop blogs), but not so much that they'd know from good rap music. Other Beats Music expert curators are said to include Target a/k/a Tar-jay, the Walmart for people who think they're too good to shop at Walmart, which costs more and will also sell your personal information to the Russians, and Ellen Degeneres, which is what white housewives watch when they're at home during the day.
There's no point in trying to reach black women who are at home during the day, because if a black woman is at home during the day, that means she's unemployed. The only way she can afford Beats Music is if there's an Obama Phone-style government subsidized version. If the Obama Phone is a smartphone, which I'm not sure if it is (do they still make phones that aren't smartphones?), it could come pre-loaded with "free" Beats Music, through Beats Music's other partnership, with AT&T. It could include expert-curated playlists designed to keep black people mired in poverty, to the extent that that already isn't the RapRadar playlist.