October 11, 2012
There's a law in Detroit - you can't just remove a squatter from your house by force. You have to go to court, file a civil suit against the squatter, prove that the house belongs to you, and have the squatter evicted.
Which I'm sure the city would want you to pay for. Detroit can't afford to just send a sheriff and a moving crew out every time it turns out someone is living in a house that doesn't belong to them. They already had more evictions than they could handle back in the days of Roger & Me. I was barely even born at the time.
Now some ridonkulous number of houses in the city sit unoccupied, the former homes of people who had the sense and the means to get out. Some of them you can buy for like $5. But why even bother? I'd just move in for free and wait for someone to come looking for their $5. If you don't have $5, you could probably find $5 worth of shit lying around inside and use that to pay for it. You could amass a low expectations 47% real estate empire with no money down, similar to how Bain Capital takes over companies by borrowing enough money from Goldman Sachs to buy a controlling stake, and then pays it back with the money they saved by firing everyone. (For more on this, check the story in Rolling Stone that I linked to the other day.)
Rapper Young Cartier famously got caught squatting in a house in Detroit a few weeks ago. His mistake was to hop into a busted Dodge Stratus and take off for Benihana the moment the house's rightful owner - and a dimepiece from the local TV news - showed up wanting to know why the water heater was missing, and the floor was littered with spent double cheesburger wrappers and failure to pay child support notices. He should have stuck around and insisted the homeowner take him to court. Who knows, maybe he'd still be living there today. It sounds like the people who owned the house were really sweating the $600 or whatever it would cost to replace that water heater. Couldn't you just "borrow" one from any number of abandoned homes in the area?
Missionary-Tracey Elaine Blair knew better than to leave just because the person who actually owns the house showed up and asked her to leave. But that could just be because she's batshit. She's a write-in candidate in this year's presidential election. The lady who owns the house says that Missionary-Tracey apparently is under the impression that the house belongs to her now, through some program in which squatters can claim abandoned real estate. I know some cities turn a blind eye to homeless people who move into houses that have been foreclosed on that just sit vacant for years, because the banks are scamming the government by continuing to list those houses on their balance sheets, year in and year out, for way more than they could actually sell them for, i.e. like $5. And then there was that guy down in Texas who was able to take possession of a rather swanky foreclosure through some arcane law in which anyone can claim ownership of property that isn't owned by anyone - in this case, a house that was owned by a mortgage that has since gone out of business. Maybe she heard about that guy on TV. That guy was an inspiration to the entire black community.
The lady who actually owns the house seems like a damn idiot. She only paid $23,000 for it, which she probably had to finance, and that's probably because that was the most she could possibly afford, with the kind of income she can generate with her intellect. I mean obviously, if she can't afford what it would cost to take Missionary-Tracey to court. I'm actually more concerned with the fact that she apparently doesn't have a problem letting her baby sleep in the room next door to a random crazy person who's squatting in her house. I wouldn't want my kids (I don't have any kids) sleeping in a house in the same neighborhood as a woman named Missionary-Tracey. Where was she, for a year, that she couldn't make sure that random Larouchies weren't living in her house, and how come she can't go back there, at least until this is settled? How is it that Missionary-Tracey is inside the house during the segment, locked the door, and the white chick couldn't get back in? How did the white chick get in there in the first place, if Missionary-Tracey changed the locks? There must be more to the story than the local TV news is letting on in this report. Notice how the baby is Halfrican American. This is not this woman's first time being duped by black people.
 Tha fuck kind of name is Missionary-Tracey?
 If it weren't for the kid, she could come stay here.
October 09, 2012
Unless you want to count Azealia Banks, who was on the cover last month along with Diplo. But that should really only count as a half. Less, really, because of that wig she wears.
And I guess this month should count as one fourth of a black guy on the cover, because of the big Obama headline. LOL. This time four years ago, he had the cover to himself. Now the first black (-ish) president has been bumped by a white rapper. Such amazing times we live in.
But it's really been at least three months since there was a "legitimate" black VIBE cover, since last month's issue was a double issue. (I'm not sure who was on the cover before that. Of course I don't read VIBE.)
VIBE must be trying to appeal to CACs, like it did back in the early '90s, when it was run by mostly teh ghey white guys. As discussed in my book, part of the reason it went out of business last time around is because you can only charge so much for ads for Luster's Pink Oil Moisturizer and the US Military.
VIBE didn't just gradually shed its white readership as the quality of its writing declined. It purposely alienated them by running stories on artists CACs couldn't possibly be interested in, and refusing to put white artists on the cover.
When Danyel Smith became editor in chief, in the mid 2000s, she famously yanked Christina Aguilera off of the cover and replaced her with a doing-coke-on-reality-TV-era Bobby Brown, of all people. Obviously, she was sending out a message. Later, Robin Thicke was told that he couldn't be on the cover, because he was white. Does his black-ish wife not count for anything?
The last straw may have been when they put out something called the Real Hip-Hop issue, with Young Jeezy on the cover. CACs weren't about to stand for that. Nor should they. Was that the same issue with the list of the best rap blogs? Ah, the late 2000s.
VIBE has since gone out of business and been resurrected in zombie form by Magic Johnson and the roomful of unhealthy-looking gentlemen he serves as an (admittedly well-paid) Jay-Z-style front negro for, i.e. the Illuminati.
September 05, 2012
The kid in the picture above, Lil JoJo, 16, found out the hard way - you don't fuck with Chief Keef.
Lil JoJo was beefing with one of Chief Keef's Snack Pack carriers, Lil Reese, about which one looks more effeminate with those braids so many Chicago rappers have these days. Pretty much everyone except Rhymefest, who's probably not healthy enough to generate that much hair. Lupe Fiasco went on the radio and said he's afraid of the child gangbanger culture that Chief Keef promotes. Then why did he go and get the same haircut? Duh!
Or actually, it sounds like this guy Lil JoJo was jealous of the fact that Interscope Records supposedly gave Chief Keef a shedload of money, his own line of Beats by Dre headphones for child gangbangers, and a movie contrack(?!), despite the fact that he can't rap for shit. He raps about as well as he reads. Lil JoJo put out a song dissing Chief Keef and Snack Pack carrier Lil Reese. The video is filled with shirtless child gangbangers waving guns around. It was an accident waiting to happen.
It's arguably more disturbing than that Lil Mouse video.
Below is a video from, I think, yesterday, in which Lil JoJo, in a car, rides past Snack Pack carrier, Lil Reese, who's standing on the curb, and calls him a bitch. Lil Reese's response: "I'm gonna kill you." He says it in such a matter of fact way.
Lil Reese is standing next to a fancy new Camaro that he must have bought with the money Chief Keef got from Interscope. So jealous. Or maybe he bought it with his own money that he made from selling crack to his fellow schoolchildren - I don't want to assume, or cast aspersions on Lil Reese's ability to provide for himself. He might pop a cap in my ass. LOL
Someone popped a cap in Lil JoJo's ass last night. He was riding his bicycle (no, really) when someone in a gray or tan car opened fire on him, hitting him at least once. 5-0 found him lying in the street unresponsive. He was taken to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead.
Chief Keef took to Twitter to celebrate.
hahahahahhahahahahahahahaahhAAHAHAHAHA #RichNiggaShit— CampaignSosa300 (@ChiefKeef) September 5, 2012
Its Sad Cuz Dat Nigga Jojo Wanted To Be Jus Like Us #LMAO— CampaignSosa300 (@ChiefKeef) September 5, 2012
You'll recall that Rich Nigga Shit was a series of videos by late '00s-era misguided youth rapper Soulja Boy, who also famously couldn't read, in which he'd blow his nose with money, set money on fire, pay his weed carriers to drink entire fifths of alcohol, so on and so forth. Soulja Boy subsequently went broke and sued his handlers for "taking advantage of his stupidity."
UPDATE: Lil JoJo's older brother CashOut is banging Chief Keef's mom. The other day, he posted a video on World Star, below, where he calls Chief Keef's mom, they talk about doing the nasty, and he asks for free tickets to a Chief Keef show.
September 04, 2012
Where's my A&R position with Atlantic Records?
Last night, I saw someone or something called Lil Mouse was trending on Twitter, but I didn't know what TF they were talking because it was later in the evening and I was tired from having gorged myself on barbecue. I woke up this morning at the ass crack of 11 AM and Lil Mouse was still trending. Even the magic negro from the Green Mile had long since disappeared from the left sidebar - and he was once nominated for an Academy Award.
At that point it occurred to me, Lil Mouse is the child gangbanger from Chicago who had the video with him showing off what must have been upwards of $30 in ones, bragging about the number of chicks he bangs (admittedly I'm jealous of both the money and the women) and threatening to pop a cap in someone's ass. Lil Wayne, who's from the suburbs now, must have seen that post and decided to put Lil Mouse on his new mixtape, Dedication 4 (the same one where Nicki Minaj announces that she's voting for Mitt Romney).
Is Lil Mouse signed to Young Money? I heard Lil Wayne was trying to sign Chief Keef, who at 16, is only a child in the sense that he looks like someone's dumbass kid and in the sense that he can't read, but maybe he was smart enough to realize that people signed to Young Money don't actually get paid. That guy who produced "A Milli" never did get paid. He only continues to work with Lil Wayne because what else is he going to do? It was announced recently that Drake has yet to receive so much as a penny in royalties. Meanwhile, Slim from Cash Money bought the biggest house in all of Florida and paid for it in cash.
Lil Mouse doesn't have the sense to realize how dumb he looks standing in the street waving that big wad of ones. Even if it is just $27 he made cutting grass with a lawn mower he stole from someone's garage. Some adult could just slap the shit out of him, take it and go cop some drugs and alcohol. How is it that he's banging chicks when he's got a voice like Remy-Ma-ate-the-box-era Nicki Minaj? His balls haven't even dropped yet. He's yet to fap to completion. The only sexual attention he's receiving is from the Jerry Sanduskys of the world who have a thing for black kids. (Whereas, I think, Sandusky's thing was that black kids were less likely to tell, because they don't have fathers, and who would believe them anyway?)
Lil Mouse is the Honey Boo Boo of hip-hop. I'd suggest Child Protective Services intervene, but it's probably already too late. He's 13 years old, not six. The state decides whether you're destined for the prison-industrial complex when you're in the third grade. That's why they make you take those standardized tests. The more kids who fail, the more money the state gets to build prisons. That's why it was such a big deal when that chick down in Atlanta got caught helping those kids cheat - she was throwing off the state budget. They knew something was up when the kids seemed to be learning. That's not how the system is supposed to work.
August 21, 2012
If I were Todd Akin, I wouldn't pay any attention to these people trying to get me to drop out of the race just because I said a pregnancy couldn't result from a legitimate raping. I'd ride that shit out and see what happens.
Carry it to term, so to speak. LOL
Mitt Romney, the RNC and most white people have given Todd Akin until 5 PM today to drop out of the race, or else... well, I don't know if they have any real way of forcing him to exit the race - legitimately removing him, as it were.
They can't just unilaterally have his name erased from the ballot and replaced with someone else, like that time the hilarious Alan Keyes was running for the Senate in Illinois, because that would probably be against the Constitution. They could stop cutting him checks to run attack ads, and robocalls the night before the election implying that his opponent has secret Halfrican American children, but it's not like he needs any more media presence than he already has. He's been trending on Twitter for like four days now. Famous people who die only trend for like four hours.
The Republicans don't have any choice but to distance themselves from Akin and his remarks. Otherwise it'll come back to haunt them come election time, like memories of legitimate nonconsensual lovemaking. Columnists, debate moderators and Joe the Plumber-style potential voters will point out the fact that Todd Akin said that legitimate rape survivors can't get pregnant, despite studies that show that 5% of rapes result in pregnancy, which is higher than the pregnancy rate for non-rape unprotected sex, i.e. sweet, passionate lovemaking, and the two of them agreed with it. Or at least they didn't call a press conference to publicly denounce it.
Never mind the obvious self-selection that goes into such statistics. Rape survivors get pregnant more often than average women because rape survivors are way more fertile the average woman, let alone women who can hardly get pregnant if they wanted to, who are likely to participate in such studies. If you're gonna go through the hassle of raping a woman, breaking the law in most countries, getting your clothes muddy, running the risk of getting pepper sprayed, obviously you're gonna focus your efforts on the best victim possible, one of these girls who look like you could damn near get them pregnant just by looking at them the wrong way. You're gonna hang out in the alley behind Shooters 141, not Barnes and Noble.
Also, those studies you're seeing cited in so many places this week don't take into account the level of legitimacy of the attack. It could very well be the case that that 5% is made up primarily of victims of frivolous rape, i.e. your father rolled over on your mother while she was trying to read Eat, Pray, Love, and now you've got a new little brother who's madd short. The only way we could say for certain that what Todd Akin said isn't true is if we conducted an experiment in which some women were the victims of a legitimate raping, and some women were the victims of frivolous rape, and we compared the two groups to see which type of rape resulted in the most pregnancy. And unfortunately we can't do a study like that, because it would be inhumane.
Earlier today, I saw where Mitt Romney went on TV and said Akins remarks were indefensible, and that he should drop out of the race. Paul Ryan was sitting right there next to him, but he didn't say shit. You know good and well, when he heard what Akin said, Paul Ryan was like, "Yep, I been saying that!" And Romney had to pull him to the side and explain to him that he couldn't be associated with the idea that a legitimate raping is its own form of abortion, which it could be, depending on the damage to the woman's junk (perhaps that's what Akin meant), regardless of whether or not that's what he believes. Mitt Romney had to do the same thing with Obamacare, which he invented.
Paul Ryan's gonna have a hard time convincing people that his views on abortion and rape (legitimate and otherwise) aren't the exact same as Todd Akin's, given the fact that, as I may have read somewhere yesterday, the two of them were the sponsors of one of those bills in which if a woman wants to get an abortion, she has to submit to some sort of legitimate vaginal probe - the purpose of which is to make women, who are very succeptible to marketing, think twice about having an abortion, not to check and see if there's anything up in there. Obviously there's something up in there, if she's trying to have an abortion. It's the same concept behind giving out those $100 vouchers for a free crib from K-Mart.
$100 today today, for a crib you probably can't get shit for at the pawn shop (because they have so many), or hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of a lifetime? Hmm...