ByronCrawford.com

Fun facts about Elliott Wilson

Yesterday, I was checking dream hampton's always informative Twitter, thinking I might rub one out before I took a nap, and I stumbled upon this story about Elliott Wilson in the New York Times, from way the fuck back in 2000. It's full of fun facts you may not have been aware, including the following.

Fact #1: Elliott Wilson has awful taste in rap music.

On a clangorous Manhattan sidewalk, Elliott Wilson stopped to study the bootleg rap tapes splayed on a street vendor's blanket. Music emanated from a portable stereo.

''Some dope stuff here,'' Mr. Wilson, a gangly, light-skinned young black man with inquisitive eyes and a contagious laugh, said approvingly. The bargains got him pumped up. He peeled off a five-dollar bill and bought ''Opposite of H2O'' by Drag-On.

Fact #2: Elliott Wilson was a nerd in high school.

Attending predominantly white schools, self-conscious about his looks, he never really fit in, he says, recalling that time now. The black and white students didn't mix much, and while the black football players were cool, he was no football player. Instead, he befriended the outcasts.

''I wanted to be a cool kid and I wasn't,'' he said. ''But I didn't want to sacrifice who I was to fit into the system. I'd rather create my own system. I wasn't going to be a fake. So I was the leader of the nerds.''

Fact #3: Elliott Wilson is a sellout.

[Upski] used to write for XXL, a fledgling magazine with a white owner and publisher. In 1997, the original black editor and black staff quit after being refused an ownership stake. There were innuendos of racism, but whether it was just business or race depended on the vantage point. Upski, however, swore never to work for XXL again.
[...]
When the editor's job at XXL was offered to him last August, Elliott Wilson was put in a delicate spot. He was broke. In college, he accepted a flurry of credit cards and bought all the ''fly'' clothing. Now he owed $8,000.
[...]
As a black man, how many opportunities would come his way? He had this unslaked desire to prove his mettle. He took the job.

Fact #4: Ego Trip, like RapPravda, is secretly owned by white people.

So much of the hip-hop ruling class was white. As Mr. Wilson put it, Ego Trip wanted ''to strike at all the black magazines that are white-owned and act as if they're black.'' It was a small irony that Ego Trip's seed money of $8,000 came from a white man, but at least he was a passive partner.

Fact #5: Elliott Wilson cries, like a bitch.

What should he do? Months later, he remembers the confusion, the vectors of his life colliding. His throat tightened and he began to cry. He went to the bathroom of the [Ego Trip offices] and composed himself.

Fact #6: Elliott Wilson was a regular at a strip club.

The strip club was scattered with patrons with embalmed looks, solemnly quaffing their beverages. Elliott Wilson pulled up a stool beside a dancer. A fistful of dollars flapped from a rubber band curled around her wrist, the night's rewards.

Strip clubs, in particular this one in Queens, had a powerful hold on him. Though rap was his music, he said, he liked to unwind here rather than at a hip-hop club. There, everyone wanted something. Here, no one wanted anything but his money.

Fact #7: Elliott Wilson cooned for his white boss.

His eyes scanned the screen -- copy for the next issue. He fiddled with it. ''I'm adding curse words,'' he said. ''Putting in ain'ts. Making it more hip-hop.''

The publisher, Dennis Page, came in with his beneficent smile. ''Hey, man, we doing O.K.?''

''Yeah.''

Mr. Page peeked over his shoulder at the screen. He nodded: ''That's dope.''

Fact #8: Elliott Wilson has to play basketball with senior citizens.

Elliott Wilson climbed the stairs to the basketball court. The old guys were already there. The doctor had told him he had high blood pressure, a real slap in the face. ''I've got the black man's disease,'' he joked.
[...]
His doctor put him on medication, urged exercise. So he had begun playing full-court basketball three mornings a week. There was an early crowd of young guys, but Mr. Wilson wasn't ready for them. He played with a bunch of white guys, some in their 50's and 60's, and one black guy in his 70's. He hit some baskets and missed some. He changed and headed for XXL.

Checkit: Guarding the Borders Of the Hip-Hop Nation [New York Times]

Peter Rosenberg: A liar, or just an idiot?

Also, while we're on the topic, I guess there's this post on Peter Rosenberg's blog where he copies and pastes some shit his father wrote about Gaza, supposedly as proof that his father isn't a member of the Israel Lobby. But he might want to check the Wikipedia entry for the Israel Lobby. Rosenberg says a simple Google search on his father would have revealed that he isn't a lobbyist. But ironically enough, a simple Google search is precisely how I found out that his father is a member of the Israel Lobby.

If you type Rosenberg's old man's name into Google, the first page that comes up is a page on the site of the Israel Policy Forum, with a bio of Rosenberg's father, MJ Rosenberg, who it says is a Director of Policy Analysis there. Sounds like the job title of a lobbyist, huh? Then, if you go to the Wikipedia page for the Israel Lobby, the Israel Policy Forum is listed right there on the page as being part of the Israel Lobby.

The world's most accurate encyclopedia does make it a point to note that the Israel Policy Forum isn't a PAC, i.e. it isn't directly involved in funneling money into the coffers of pro-Israel politicians. But all it would take is to look at the very top of the page to know that you don't have to be the guy who actually shoves the dollar in Obama's pocket to be a member of the Israel Lobby. All you have to do is be part of "the loose coalition of groups and individuals who attempt to influence American foreign policy in support of Israel and its policies." Peter Rosenberg's father might not work for AIPAC, but guess where he used to work? Erm, motherfucking AIPAC!

MJ Rosenberg is a member of the Israel Lobby, plain and simple. How in the world Peter Rosenberg came to say that he isn't is beyond me. It could be that the younger Rosenberg is aware that his father's job, for probably his entire lifetime now, has involved subverting US interests in favor of another country by way of media trickery, but he figured no one who reads his shitty blog would be capable of operating a search engine. Or it could be that Peter Rosenberg genuinely has no idea what it is his father does. (For what it's worth, I have no idea what my father does. And no, I'm not one of these black people who don't have a father.) Either way would be pretty sad. Honestly, I actually hope it's the former.

LIFEbeat does not care about AIDS victims

Well, at least I'm not the only one who can't catch a break these days. Artie Lange from the Howard SternShow has also had his share of issues as of late. Not only has his health completely fallen to shit, but he's also managed to run afoul of the teh ghey community.

In fact, I figured as much might happen a few weeks ago, when I came across what I'm still convinced might be the best argument evar, between Artie and Stern Show staffer High Pitch Mike. (If you haven't already, you should really check out that clip.)

As I wrote a few weeks ago:

I'm actually surprised one of these teh ghey groups hasn't tried to extract any blood money from the Stern Show, but it could be the case that, since Sirius is mostly subscriber-based, they can't pull that bullshit McCarthy-ite game where they try to project homophobia onto the show's advertisers just for advertising on the show.

Turns out I was right. Recently, the AIDS charity LIFEbeat caught wind of some of Artie's remarks and decided it will no longer accept money from this charity Artie had set up with a bakery called Crumbs. Artie had designed his own signature cupcake with the bakery. Proceeds from the sale of the cupcake went to benefit the AIDS charity.

But not anymore. Crumbs recently received a letter from LIFEbeat informing them that they'd no longer be accepting any donations from Artie Lange.

It read in part:

It is with sincere regret that I write you to let you know that LIFEbeat can no longer accept donations from the sale of the Artie Lange cupcake. It has recently come to my attention that Artie has made very offensive statement on the radio regarding HIV / AIDS infection, as well as, other remarks offensive to the constituency LIFEbeat serve.

Hmm...

I thought people with AIDS were LIFEbeat's constituency. I'm sure plenty of them could give a rat's ass about some shit Artie Lange once said on the Howard Stern show. Especially since so many people who are getting AIDS these days aren't sensitive-ass letter-writing, teh ghey white guys in New York.

It makes you wonder how much money, which could have gone to buying some poor kid some of that Magic Johnson medicine, LIFEbeat has turned down over the years on some ol' bullshit. In that sense, I can't help but be reminded of when it was revealed a few years ago (on the Penn & Teller show, right?) that PETA actually kills more dogs than Michael Vick.

Also, you'll recall that this group LIFEbeat is the same group who made a big production of canceling a reggae concert in New York a couple of years ago, because you know how those reggae artists are mad homophobic. And not just "calling a straight guy a fag on the radio to hurt his feelings" homophobic, I mean actually homophobic.

Still, if LIFEbeat wants to become a teh ghey advocacy group, they should just become a teh ghey advocacy group and leave the AIDS aspect out of it. In the meantime, I would urge anyone who's considering donating money to an AIDS charity to consider another group besides LIFEbeat.

Crumbs Cupcake for LIFEbeat Aids Charity Denied [Save Baby Gorilla]

After the jump is a clip from Artie's recent appearance on the Donnie Deutsch show. He talks about his issues with substance abuse and his health, tells the same few jokes he always tells on talk shows, and does a blind taste test to determine which of several cupcakes is his. It's pretty fascinating shit.

Damon Dash bottoms out

Going broke, out of a job and facing a lawsuit, BET's Ultimate Hustler has finally taken to screaming profanities from the window of his car, in an incident that could net him even more trouble.

To wit:

Damon Dash could face criminal charges after allegedly yelling profanities from his car at the founder of America magazine.

The editor and co-chief executive of the publication, Smokey D. Fontaine says that Dash pulled up alongside him in his car as he was walking in New York City last week. Dash then began to shout at Fontaine.

You'll recall that this Smokey Fontaine is the fellow that DDtR beat up because he was pissed off that a) he can no longer afford to run the magazine and b) he was jealous that it was running advertisements from celebrities that still own their own clothing lines.

Not so sez the rapist:

"Would I be dumb enough to do something like that? I always think violence is the last means and the last resort. I never advocate violence."

"People use my demeanor and the fact that I come from the hip hop culture as a way to extort me for money," Dash also said. "It will never happen. I'll never pay a dollar for something I didn't do."

Of course the real question is whether or not he'll actually have a dollar to pay this kid anyway. Between this and his various other lawsuits, how far is he, really, from manning the flour box at a Church's? Maybe the two of us could work together.

Previously:

• Dame Dash is pissed!
• Dame Dash the Rapist
• DDtR bounced from Roc-A-Wear

Alicia Keys is fucking worthless

I'm glad somebody else said it, because if I did, people would think I was just hating. But with this new single of hers, Alicia Keys has reached a whole new level of ridonkulousness I never would've guessed possible. She should be given some sort of special prize at next year's Grammys.

On the one hand, you wonder which one of the TIs at her record label actually thought this whole comparing ourselves to black people on TV metaphor was such a good idea in the first place; but then the shit did go all the way to #1, so there you go. I'm convinced at this point that she could stand up on her piano and cop a squat on the keyboard and at least 1 million people would think it was a good idea.

But then the worst part about it is that so many people have actually bought into the myth of Alicia Keys the Great Musician. Because of course there's never been any shortage of record label-backed no-talents, but kids are jocking her shit as if she's the second coming of Stevie Wonder. At the rate that she's going, she'll have more Grammys than him by this time next year if she doesn't already.

You know, Debbie (orah) Gibson used to write and produce all her own shit too, and she was only like 12 years old.

Foolish Beat > Anything in the Alicia Keys catalog

Raven Symone is a disgusting fat lady

Not to reveal too much about myself, but today's TRL was hosted by Shia Lebeouf, Amanda Bynes and Raven Symone. I would've switched it over to whatever was on VH1, but the remote was about three feet out of reach, and I wasn't about to get up.

Anyway, how much more disgusting is Raven Symone going to get before there's some sort of intervention? While basically all female child stars aren't nearly as hot when they grow up (yes, even Alyssa Milano), this beast is pushing severe Carnie Wilson territory.

Prediction: Within five years, she'll be in some reality show about her getting a gastric bypass operation. If we're lucky, she may be the first celebrity to die from the procedure. Or does that only happen when poor people get them?

And at least Carnie Wilson has got that first Wilson Phillips album to her credit. Don't front, "Hold On" was one of the better songs from the early '90s. Raven Symone has never, at any point, even by accident, done anything at all worthwhile in her life. She never will.

I'm convinced that Disney only keeps her on the payroll because they're afraid that if they fire her, people will think it's because she's fat and they'll lose some amount of money that's presumably more than what they're currently paying her. And also because there's some kind of government conspiracy to keep young black women disgustingly overweight.

ALSO: Interestingly enough, this woman is 20 years old, which makes her not that much younger than myself. I might have to holler at the Disney Channel about getting my own show.

Kanye West vs. Adolf Hitler

A ByronCrawford.com Special Report
Now, with this post I don't mean to compare Kanye West to Adolf Hitler just because I don't like him and so I'm trying to draw parallels between him and Adolf Hitler where none actually exist, just to make him look bad. Because that would just be silly. But it occurred to me recently that perhaps no other artist in the history of music has more in common with the Fuhrer.

Striking similarities between the two:

Failing in education. Kanye West was famously too dumb to get an English degree from an HBCU where his mom was a department head and will thus spend the rest of his life bitter and jealous of actual college graduates. Adolf Hitler was pressured from a young age to pursue a career in the Austrian customs department by his father, who was himself a customs official. This caused him to become bitter, resent his schoolwork and ultimately drop out of school.

Mediocre painting. Kanye West began painting at a young age and, after he failed to graduate from college, pursued a similarly fruitless career as an art student. After Adolf Hitler dropped out of school, he moved to Vienna where he became a mediocre painter and was twice rejected entry into the Academy of Art in Vienna.

Hating Jews. Kanye West's lead single from Late Registration is highly critical of the mostly Jew-run diamond industry. Subsequently and not coincidentally, he was presented with a special award by the notorious anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan. His comments at Live 8 about the creation of AIDS are basically identical to comments made by Public Enemy's Professor Griff in an infamous Washington Times interview 15 years prior. Hitler himself had an incident with the Jews in the 1940s with which you might be familiar.

Through the Wire = The Reichstag fire. Kanye West's 2003 car accident, as recounted in the hit song "Through the Wire" (based on Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire"), was the event that kick-started his career as a recording artist. Adolf Hitler was similarly able to use the Reichstag fire as the main event that set in motion the establishment of Nazi Germany.

The Cover of TIME magazine. As Kanye West's reign of terror reached new levels of ridonkulousness with the release of Late Registration, he was featured on the cover of TIME magazine as "the smartest man in pop music." It's a little known fact that at the height of World War II, Adolf Hitler himself was chosen as TIME magazine's Man of the Year.

And that's where our story ends for the time being. Of course Adolf Hitler eventually caught syphilis and shot himself. Will Kanye West's self-loathing due to his sheer lack of intelligence lead him to a similar fate? Because he's a down-low homosexual, I suppose he's more likely to catch some sort of VD.

La Shawn Barber should be shot on sight

In case you don't frequent the Christian supremacist blogosphere, La Shawn Barber is one of these ign'ant ass women who write real bugged out shit over the Internets to please their masters Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson and Ronald Reagan's corpse. Think of her as the Michelle Malkin or Ann Coulter that no one would want to fuck.

According to her brief bio, she used to be a liberal and had a job servicing someone on Capitol Hill during the Clinton Administration. Readers of my personal favorite conservative writer David Horowitz will know that no one just becomes a right winger in middle age without some rill traumatic shit happening to them. Apparently, her thing is that she used to be a hardcore alcoholic.

Like Oprah, whom she somewhat resembles, she probably also used to smoke crack and once had a back-alley abortion. Nothing like having your hoo-ha bloodied with a coat hanger to bring a bitch back to the church! Let's just say it's too bad the bleeding eventually stopped.

Today she had this to say about our brothers and sisters struggling to stay alive down in New Orleans:

I imagine it would be difficult to point a gun at someone carrying a bag of food, water, diapers, and a crying baby in his arms. I know that people are hungry, thirsty, frustrated and desperate. Some survivors might be stealing guns to protect their families from other looters, but someone has to draw a line somewhere.

As tensions rise, chaos will increase. I hope the worst dissipates before anyone is shot, but law enforcement must protect people and enforce the law, even if it means shooting looters on sight. »

Then of course she goes on to quote some shit out of the bible, kris ex-style, which is I guess supposed to justify that shit. If I had access to a bible right now, I would quote the passage that says when a woman doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, a man has the right to beat the shit out of her with a stick.

Shock the monkey

Was sent this story today by a "reader." Basically, the cops out in Chicago had to zap a young tard with a taser, lest he try to chew on their faces or some shit. Now his parents, or whoever it was that realized they might benefit financially from this, are suing them for $50,000 because the boy ain't been quite right ever since.

It's hard to gather from this ridonkulous article, but it sounds like the tard had been sent to this home for juveniles in the first place because he had commited the kind of bizarre crime (probably something sexual in nature) that convinced the authorities that it wasn't safe to keep him around regular people.

At this home, the tard had some kind of issue - maybe his jello was too warm, I don't know - that caused him to flip out and go apeshit on 4 employees of the facility, hence the presence of 5-0 in the first place. When it looked like he was about to go there with the cops, one of them put him right down with the taser, "When Animals Attack"-style.

After he was tasered, the kid's heart stopped for a while. Medics were able to revive him with a defibrilator, but he ended up spending three days in a coma. Since he came too, he's been confused about where he's at, he can't remember things and he's complained about pains in the chest and shoulders. As if he knew where he was at to begin with.

Now, it's my opinion that none of this shit should've happened in the first place. The main disagreement seems to be about whether or not he was sitting on a couch, not posing a threat to anyone or whether he was standing with his fists up, primed to attack the po-po. Especially given the fact that he had already attacked four people, why was he sitting on a couch and not in a cage somewhere?

This whole situation calls to mind that thing I saw on TV where this family had lived with a chimpanzee their entire lives (I believe it was the one from "BJ and the Bear") and then the thing just went apeshit one day (no pun intended) and killed this one guy. Then this woman showed up with a shotgun and smoked like 4 of them.

This kid is lucky all he got was tasered.

Let's hunt and kill shitty tippers

I can't imagine that anyone that's worked in any sort of shitty customer service-oriented field hasn't at some point fantasized about taking some customer's information from their credit card and publishing it to the Internet so that the entire world could see what a huge douchebag that particular individual is.

I'm actually in the process of building on an entire separate wing of Ye Olde BC just for motherfuckers who thought they could fuck with me, including the company I rent my apartment from, Josef Mengele Realty Associates, and the company I used to work for, KKK-Mart. I think I already accomplished that to a certain degree with my series of posts about my former employer, but obviously there's a lot more damage that could be done and is really necessary when you think about it.

So of course I was amused to see that some angry waitresses have actually gone and created a database of shitty tippers (via Kottke by way of Prefix), complete with these people's names and details about their transactions including the number of individuals in their parties, the total amount of their bills and the percentage of which was left as a tip. But, as cool as this is, you do kind of wish that they would make better use of technology to really stick it to these cheapskate motherfuckers.

First of all, I'm sure I'm not the only person who's looked at this list and wished that they categorized shitty tippers by race. Now, I'm not suggesting that there's never been an Indian person in the history of the race who's left more than (or, indeed, anything other than - right down to the exact decimal) a 10% tip, because that would just be racist on my part. But surely a list that actually kept track of such information would be useful for servers just so that they could guage their actual level of service beforehand, based on the likely amount of tip to be expected.

Furthermore, I'm sure plenty could be done with the latest in social networking software a la MySpace just to better inform servers of the kind of people they're likely to end up dealing. For example, how difficult would be to integrate the shitty tipper's database with some kind of national database of people's addresses and personal information to better facilitate vigilante revenge action. Imagine if, with one single click, you could send out information about a shitty tipper to his employer and his entire list of personal contacts.

Some Chinese kid needs to get fucking on this shit right now.

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