Yesterday, I received a push notification informing me that Melania Trump has been hospitalized with some sort of kidney condition, as if she's a member of my family in reality, not just in my rich fantasy life.
If Google doesn't have the technology to read my mind just yet, I guess they can fill in the blanks based on my search history.
Of course I was deeply concerned to hear that there's something wrong with the first lady's kidneys. It seems odd to me that anything at all would be wrong with her, health-wise. You'd think that, because she's the most attractive first lady (with all due respect to Michelle Obama and Jackie Kennedy, both of whom were black), she'd also be the most healthy. Barbara Bush lived to be 106, which means that Melania should live to be like 140, right?
My fear is that the president may have had her poisoned, because he was embarrassed that she wouldn't hold hands with him in public, and she was acting overly familiar with Barack Obama at Barbara Bush's funeral, doing a lot of reckless eyeballing and what have you. As discussed in a recent issue of my newsletter, on Arruh, women in healthy relationships shouldn't look other men in the eye anyway.
It's a known fact that Trump is in cahoots with the Russians, who are known to poison journalists who ask too many questions. They may have slipped him some of whatever they use. Hopefully he only gave her enough to put the fear of god in her. I'd hate to see something bad happen to her—though it'd be interesting to see who her replacement would be.