February 10, 2014
A gay guy might play in the NFL
Word on the street is that people already knew this kid Michael Sam was on the DL, and so he didn't have a choice in the matter but to come out of the closet.
As Eli Porter might put it, he was already in the gay parade.
Aside from having pride in who you are and not allowing other people to dictate how you live your life, it doesn't make sense to me why he didn't just wait until he was already in the NFL to announce that he's teh ghey.
Because the NFL draft probably hasn't happened yet, with the Super Bowl having been just the other day, this puts teams in the weird position of having to draft the gay guy. I can't imagine the fact that he smokes poles, and now everybody knows (see what I did there?), will help boost his stock.
To a certain extent, these guys are all essentially commodities, right? I mean, obviously an NFL team can't just draft me -- even though I am more or less the same size as an NFL linebacker. My neck and my wrist are not as strong as they used to be, from having spent my entire adult life sitting behind a computer. And I might also be at a disadvantage only having one eye, depending on how this game actually works.
It would be too easy for someone to just run up on me from my right side. An Asian guy would realize this pretty much right away, and ride that strategy straight to the bank, not unlike the kid currently dominating Jeopardy, looking like a bloated Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Are there any Asians in the NFL. I'd almost be as concerned about that as I was about teh ghey guys. #safety
But there can't be that many truly talented kids in the entire league, right, let alone on any given team? You need one guy who actually understands how the plays work, to play quarterback, and the rest of those guys just run to a certain location on the field, or try to hit people. You're mostly just drafting for size and strength, which can be acquired via the Internets. Some of those bigger guys honestly don't appear to be in much better shape than I am.
I don't know how this kid Sam's ability compares to any number of other kids in this year's draft, but let's say you're an NFL team with a high number in this year's draft, because your team sucked balls last year. (In a sense, your team would be perfect for Michael Sam.) If you had a choice between Michael Sam and a kid with more or less similar ability who wasn't gay, you'd probably go with the straight kid. Not because you have a problem with gay people, but because having a teh ghey kid on your team makes you look soft. You'd be ceding a certain psychological advantage, and you might even be putting the rest of the players on your team at risk.
And that's not even considering the fact that your facilities might not have a separate shower and locker room for the one gay guy, because that had yet to be an issue until 2014. But let's not get off topic. Jokes about Michael Sam checking out other guys' units in the shower are immature and homophobic, even though he almost certainly will (let's keep it real). When I was in high school, I sometimes showered and changed in front of guys I wasn't 100% certain about. Nullus.
Michael Sam is in fact an All-American, and based on what little I've read about him, i.e. a few Twitter posts and a blog entry, it's more or less taken for granted that he'll play in the NFL next season. (Otherwise, who would give a shit if some college football player was gay? Is he also the first gay college football player? This seems less than likely just based on how many people play on the college level.) So the concern is not so much whether or not he'll be drafted, but when and for how much.
You make all of your money in the draft. Because it's the NFL, they probably don't cut you a check until you actually play, and you can trust that those checks will be cut off the moment you have to come out of the game (which you will, eventually), but the amount you receive is based on how much your contract was for, which is based on how high you were drafted.
It's already a known fact that guys in the NFL don't make shit. Their contracts are for less money, they're not guaranteed, and their careers are shorter than athletes in any of the other major pro sports. While basketball players can be assured of a few years of making it rain in a strip club after they exit the league (emphasis on a few), a lot of these NFL guys are broke pretty much the moment they retire. Someone who's capable of doing anything other than pontificating about things they hardly know about and cracking dick jokes could probably go through and prove that all but the highest drafted guys are already fucked for life financially.
People on Twitter are speculating that it was already a known fact in college football circles that this guy was on the DL, and that someone might put him on blast before the draft -- possibly another player, to boost his own draft potential. In this age of cell phone-enabled, Magna Carta Holy Grail app-assisted 24/7 Illuminati surveillance, it's not hard to believe that someone might have pics or video of him entering or exiting the kind of college party where they play a lot of B-52s. (Don't front like they didn't have parties like that at your school. I went to essentially a klan college, and even it had gay parties.) If you see a faded sign on the side of the road, it's says 15 minutes to the world's most cynical historic press conference.
This kid Sam is at least fortunate in that he's the first out gay guy in the NFL. (As I recall, there was already one closet case who came out in retirement.) He's like that guy Jason Collins, who was almost out of the NBA before he announced that he was teh ghey, and probably got a few extra milli. This kid's not in the league just yet, but if and when he is, maybe he can get an endorsement deal with a gay product (whoever makes A$AP Rocky's clothes, perhaps). And if he doesn't make it he can front and try to pretend it's because he's gay. There's ways this can be flipped to get that $$$.
 I only know slightly more about sports than the average woman, but I'm so straight some women find me uncomfortable to be around. They must be able to read my mind.
 Maybe he became gay because he doesn't have a proper last name. (Don't object to this point unless you can prove that it's incorrect scientifically.)
Byron Crawford a/k/a Bol is the celebrated author of several books, most recently NaS Lost: A Tribute to the Little Homey.
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Posted by Bol at 11:20 AM | Permalink
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