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Earl Sweatshirt's mom ate the box

via blogs.villagevoice.com

This new New Yorker story on Earl Sweatshirt sounds like another snow job.

It runs 8,000 words long, of which you can only read a few paragraphs without giving up your credit card information, but the few parts you can read for free aren't particularly revealing, and I'm thinking that if the New Yorker had a genuine scoop, like that time Complex tracked Sweatshirt down on a boat somewhere off the coast of Samoa, shirtless, eating an ice cream cone in a room full of smiling fat Asian guys, they would have at least hinted at it. I mean, if they're at the point where they're trying to charge people to read articles via the Internets. In the age of YouPr0n.

To hear Earl Sweatshirt himself tell it, the reason he's at this weird Mormon sex camp in Samoa is because he needed some time out. No one forced him to set aside his burgeoning rap career. His father is a famous poet in South Africa, but not so famous that he's anyone you ever heard of. His mom didn't want to share her name, because she's afraid OFWGYMCA fans will attack her, even though she didn't have anything to do with Earl Sweatshirt being sent to that weird Mormon sex camp in Samoa Apparently, you can just have yourself sent there, and pay the $50,000 or whatever it costs, as a minor. Earl Sweatshirt is also concerned about people attacking his mother, and has therefore called for an end to the Free Earl campaign.

Anyway, word on the street is that the real reason Earl Sweatshirt is at this weird Mormon sex camp in Samoa is because his mother is a lesbian, and she heard some of OFWGYMCA's homophobic music, and she got pissed off and sent him there to be reeducated. This may have even been an attempt to turn him teh ghey. That's why he didn't have a shirt on, and he was eating that ice cream cone. Or it could be that he was already a fudge, and that's why OFWGYMCA are so down on gays, because you know how they say that the biggest homophobes are sometimes secret fruits themselves.

Like the thing about the sex camp in Samoa, I think that this has all been hinted at in OFWGYMCA's music, of which I'll admit I've heard very little. That Earl Sweatshirt's mom has at least been rumored to be a lesbian can be confirmed via a cursory Internets search.

http://www.google.com/search?q=earl+sweatshirt%27s+mom+lesbian&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

I'm assuming that's why Tyler the Juggalo got all butthurt when Complex tracked down Earl Sweatshirt. Remember, he seemed especially concerned that people might start showing up at Earl Sweatshirt's mom's house. He must have been concerned that they'd walk in on her en flagrante dilecto, if that's a correct usage (and spelling) of the term en flagrante dilecto. At any rate, this ought to provide an interesting new twist to the debate over the homophobic content of OFWGYMCA's music.

*sits back, grabs a bowl of popcorn*

ALSO: I'm just gonna throw this out there. You know that one female member of OFWGYMCA, who you'd hardly know is female? Is she straight? Does she bang the guy members of OFWGYMCA? When you were 19, did you have girls that you just stood around and discussed rap music with, in a way that was completely nonsexual in nature? I mean, if you were a straight guy.