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How to see a pr0n chick in person for free

Hang out at the airport the day after a pr0n convention.

There was a big pr0n convention in Chicago this past weekend, the same time as the Pitchfork Music Festival. I started to skip one day and go, and I probably would have, if I knew Raekwon would show up and perform the most retarded imaginable, and that Panda Bear live would be just as gay as the two times I saw Animal Collective live. Who'd a thunkit? I was also not too thrilled about the idea of having to pay $40 to get in, when there's the possibility there wouldn't be very much nudity (you know what $40 gets you in Sauget, IL?), and it's not like that's the last $40 you'd have to pay. The whole point of these conventions is to get you to plop down a shedload of money on pr0n you could find for free on the Internets, and pr0n accessories (dildos and what have you) I'd never buy, because I find pretty much anything other than straight intercourse with a clean-looking woman to be at least somewhat gay.

Some of the pr0n chicks were headed back to Calfornia or wherever, when I was headed back to St. Louis yesterday. I noticed there was a few of them in the ridonkulous line you have to stand in to make sure there isn't a bomb in your shoe. I'm pretty sure I was even standing next to one of them. I only hesitate to say that she definitely was a pr0n chick because I seriously considered somehow asking her, and I pussed out. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to ask her if she was in town for the pr0n convention, and then come to find out she's just some regular woman with bleach-blonde hair (my new obsession), huge cans and tattoos. Like, she's a secretary or some shit. It seems less than likely, but with my luck, that would be the case, and it would somehow end up landing me in jail on some homeland security.

I got to the airport early, because I had to be out of the hotel by noon, and the flight didn't leave until later on in the afternoon. I spent a while wandering the bowels (nullus) of O'Hare, looking for a restaurant other than a motherfucking Starbucks, before I realized that they keep all of the good (by airport standards) restaurants inside the terminal, after the security checkpoint - I guess the idea being that once you've gone through security they've got you captive. They can charge you an extra $.50 for everything. Just like Korean-owned grocery stores in the ghetto. I was hungrier than a motherfucker, so I just said fuck it. If I would have been thinking, I would have hung out outside the security checkpoint for a while, to see if any more pr0n chicks showed up.