The Real World: Brooklyn - Episode 4: Episode Summary

During last week's preview of tonight's episode, some guy called the house claiming to be a friend of Miss Hot Topic, then they cut to a shot of her crying. I thought someone might have died, but then I read earlier today that it was her father, and that he might have once molested her.

Hilarious.

Not that I find that sort of thing amusing. I'm just saying. Once you take it to the level of calling the house pretending to be someone else, when it's gonna be aired on TV... that just goes to show a certain level of dedication. I wonder what he did to her, and why he called, i.e. what he'd like to do to her now.

It appears that tonight's episode is also gonna focus on the black chick with the huge fake cans. I remember hearing on the first episode that she was a teen beauty queen out in the sticks, and I couldn't help but be reminded of this girl I went to school with who actually won one of those things. I wouldn't kick her out of my bed for crackers, but still. It was obvious to me that those teen beauty pageants aren't as selective when it comes to the looks department.

That being said, I wonder if the black chick with the huge fake cans used to be skinnier back when she was in pageants, and maybe she put some weight on once she got the implants, or if she actually competed that way. It's not like she's old enough that that could have been a long time ago. Or was she in a special teen beauty pageant for black chicks, where they don't care as much if you're carrying a little extra weight?

Speaking of baggage, the Miss Hot Topic breakdown begins to develop, slowly but surely. Finally, we're gonna learn why she buys her clothes from certain stores in the mall. She goes out shopping with the Tranny, the teh ghey hispanic kid, and, you guessed it, Chet, to find some more feminine clothes for the tranny, and the conversation somehow turns to domestic abuse. Miss Hot Topic, sensing an opportunity, reveals that she was once abused by her father, and she's never gonna talk to him ever again.

But where are the details?!

As fate would have it, the old man, who'd already been playing phone tag with the fudge, calls, and Miss Hot Topic picks up. He wants to meet her for lunch, but she's not having it. She starts crying and asks him why he would call her there. He knows she never wants to see him again. The old man claims that there is no issue between the two of them, that she's buying into her mother's agenda of exaggeration, and that she needs to get over it. And honestly? In the absense of any details from Miss Hot Topic re: the alleged abuse, I'm gonna have to agree with him. For all we know, he might not even have done anything.

To celebrate, the group goes out to Angels & Kings, which must have some sort of deal with MTV, and there's an incident involving the fudge and a tranny. Not the tranny that lives in the house, but another tranny. He walks in with this guy/girl and goes around introducing it to people, as if they'd be interested. He calls Chet, Chet the Mormon, and I guess he somehow suggests that the tranny is a better singer than the black chick with the huge fake cans. After all, she was name the Entertainer of the Year by... well, it's not clear. Maybe some guy who paid her for a blowski.

Also, I guess he outed Katelynn to Chet. As if. No, really. I know Chet's a Mormon and all, but how in the fuck can he not know Katelynn's a guy at this point. We're like a month into this shit. I'm pretty sure I could tell Katelynn's a guy from a mile away. Literally. No homo Juelz Santana, Katelynn is the least attractive transexual I've ever seen, evar. if I had to choose between having sex with Katelynn and having sex with Siobhan, I'd see if there was an option to just kill myself. Then I'd have sex with Siobhan.

Anyhoo, the black chick with the huge, fake cans, probably more concerned that she's not gonna get enough screen time this episode (like the lovely Baya - where the fuck is she?) than anything else, confronts the fudge about the fact that he more or less enlisted her in a sing off with the tranny at the club. She seemed more concerned with the fact that she had to sing acapulco (without music) than anything else. I guess she was concerned that, if she didn't sound good, it might harm her career as a budget Jennifer Hudson. If it's any consolation to her, I'd totally do her before I'd do Jennifer Hudson.

Ooh! Finally, it's the story of why Miss Hot Topic won't see her old man. She says she somehow got molested at a day care center, but they didn't press charges. Then her old man took her on a camping trip, and he only brought one sleeping bag. She called her mom, had her come pick her up, and she hasn't dealt with him ever since. Seriously? That's it? Yep, apparently it is. She tried to have him locked up, but they couldn't, because he didn't actually do anything. Duh! How do we even know he was gonna try to fuck her? Maybe he was gonna sleep in the sleeping bag by himself, and he was gonna make her sleep on the ground, on some Kevin Bacon White Water Summer learning the hard way-type shit. You know how white people are adamant about learning how to live outdoors, in case thousands of years of modernity suddenly goes kaput.

You can lead a man to water, but can you teach him how to fish?

Speaking of fish, there's a shot of the black chick with the huge, fake cans singing the national anthem that goes on way longer than it should, even if it only lasts 10 seconds. Boy does it stink. Not even a somewhat sheer bathrobe with extra-deep cleavage can save it. She takes the house Toyota (a sponsor, presumably) to an audition, and, being a woman, she ends up driving to New Jersey. Which is presented as a huge tragedy, never mind the fact that New Jersey is right next to New York. To her credit, I've driven in that part of New York right by the Holland Tunnel, and the shit's mad confusing. I didn't have a problem using directions I got from the Google, but I could how some people would.

Someone must have suggested to Miss Hot Topic that it would make for a contrived story arc if she went to a home for kids who got effed in the a and did some volunteer work. So she does, and her and this black girl glue some construction paper to some shit, and then the two of them hug it out, and I'm not gonna lie. I was "touched," to a certain degree. No Boutros. Now, can she finally forgive her old man for not bringing enough sleeping bags on a camping trip 20 years ago? Would it help if they did an art project together?

Chet goes out with this absolute prize of a 19 year-old girl, but it's kinda anticlimactic, since we know good and well he's not gonna fuck her. There's a little tension, when she doesn't show up to their pre-planned meeting point the exact moment he does, but then she does. He takes her back to the house, and it's clear she's probably not planning to bang him, but I'm pretty sure he could have, if he wanted to. I mean, he took her up to his bedroom. I know she's 19, but if a girl comes in my bedroom, I'm gonna try to fuck her on GP. Ladies, consider yourselves warned. I'm just not sure if I'd feel like as much of a man if I didn't. Which is more or less the point Sgt. Numbnuts makes to Chet, when he comes back to the house bragging about how she gave him a kiss.

Then later that night, or a month later, or whenever, Chet has a discussion in the Toyota with Miss Hot Topic and the tranny about the fact that he doesn't jerk off, but he's "subject to nocturnal emissions," and he's never even so much as touched a boob.

NEXT WEEK: Sgt. Numbnuts has a post-Iraq PTSD flare-up.