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January 14, 2009
The Real World: Brooklyn - Episode 2: Episode Summary
Is every episode this season gonna be an hour long? This could turn into a test of my endurance, especially given how teh ghey this season is. In addition to the actual token teh ghey guy, there's the tranny, and the girl who used to be a lesbian until just now, and the closet case. Even the frat boy kid had a spread in Men's Health.
Wait. Is the big secret this season that everyone's teh ghey on some level or another? The only two roomies who haven't turned up on my radar yet are Baya, the hip-hip dancer from Utah, who isn't getting enough camera time, god damn it, and the black chick with the fake boobs. And who wouldn't love to see those two get it on?
Tonight's episode begins with more teh gheyness: Chet goes through JD's shit and finds his lube. He's like, "Hold on a sec. So you're planning on doing some bufuing while you're here?" Are the two of them sharing a bedroom? That could get hairy. Nullus! Also, JD's got some magnum condoms, and Chet remarks that a big schlong is a rare quality in a man. He's seen enough guys in his frat house to know.
Seriously?
I wonder what the guys in his frat must be thinking right now. Or are they all closet cases, too? Do colleges in Mormon areas have fraternities full of nothing but closeted teh ghey guys? I guess that would make sense.
Meanwhile, Katelynn reveals to Miss Hot Topic that she's really a good, and Miss Hot Topic feigns surprise. But she had to know, right? I seriously doubt she's any more of an ex-lesbian than I'm an ex-loser. I wonder if she'd be more apt to get it on with Katelynn, since she swings both ways - I mean, if Katelynn weren't completely hideous.
Two fake controversies emerge:
1) Katelynn regales a few of the roomies with her views on saving the dolphins or whatever, and Sgt. Numbnuts doesn't seem to be at all interested. You know what would be hilarious? If the two of them duked it out. Fake vagina aside, I'm sure Katelynn still fights like a guy.
2) Chet stole one of JDs huge rubbers, put it on a banana and put it in the fish tank. JD pretends to be all upset that Chet went through his shit, even accusing him of going through shit he didn't go through, but you get the idea that JD just doesn't like Chet, because he's an immature yokel, and this is just a convenient excuse to go off on him.
Miss Hot Topic, Katelynn, and Baya go to some dance, maybe for no other reason than to get some fantastic, but all too brief footage of Baya doing her thing. Damn, I love that woman. It's too bad she's probably only like 5'2, let alone the fact that she comes from motherfucking Utah. Then on the way back, Katelynn reveals to Baya that she's really a guy. Baya's response? Um, I don't really know a whole lot about transgendered people.
A good hour and 20 minutes into this season, i.e. damn near the equivalent of 3 regular episodes, the closest they've come to a plot line involving Baya is the fact that she wants to go audition at some hip-hop dance conservatory (really?), but she needs to bring a resume with her, and she doesn't have a resume. Aww! Seriously. They need to find someone for this girl to fuck quick. Her and the black chick with the fake cans are the only reason for any straight guy to watch this shit. And I think it'd be more amusing if no one fucked the black chick.
The roomies decide to go out to a gay bar because... I guess the producers thought that would make for some interesting television. (Straight bars with attractive women in them = so boring.) In preparation, Chet starts putting on motherfucking eyeliner, talking about how all of the girls he's interested in talking to in bars seem to like it. Oh, really? Even Sgt. Numbnuts, who's usually game for a little grabass, is like, "Dude, we're going to a motherfucking gay bar. They're gonna eat you up."
But it's Sgt. Numbnuts who ends up having the teh ghey incident. At the bar, it's somehow determined that it'd be a good idea if he let a drag queen kiss him on the cheek for $100. Of course, he hardly objects to the idea. But then, rather than kissing Sgt. Numbnuts on the cheeks, the drag queen turns Sgt. Numbnuts' head and kisses him on the lips. And this wasn't just any drag queen - this was some huge black guy. It looked like that one drag queen from Risky Business.
Later, back at the house, Sgt. Numbnuts washes his face extra hard, as if that's gonna help matters. Then the next day, he calls his girlfriend and tells her about it. I guess she was gonna have to find out about it at some point anyway.
Back to the Baya plotline, or the lack thereof. I guess the resume thing didn't turn out to be much of an issue. Who'd a thunk it? She lands an audition at the hip-hop dance conservatory. She's nervous, though, because she didn't realize the guy who was conducting it - some fag - was gonna be so strict. He puts her on the spot, asking her if she has any values, and she just kinda giggles. Which is the only appropriate response to a bullshit question like that.
Honestly, she was damn near the only person in that audition who didn't look like she might be a homeless person sent over from some sort of WPA-style works program. She was definitely the only one I'd actually pay any money to watch dance - provided she let me shove the money down her pants. If she doesn't make this conservatory, it'll probably be due to racism. I wonder: Was the guy conducting this audition properly vetted by MTV? Have we not learned any lessons at all from last year's historic presidential election?
Already, despite the fact that they've only been there a few days, Chet's family comes to visit. I guess they wanted to make sure there wasn't any risk of him getting effed in the a. I'm sure they already suspect he's a closet case. Chet's sisters, who could be described as "genetically fortunate," seem especially taken with JD, until Chet explains to them that JD is a fudge. "Oh, so that's why he's so nice," one of them says. It's too bad I'm not nice or good-looking. I'd do nothing but score all the time.
Speaking of which, Baya gets accepted into the hip-hop dance conservatory. Shocker! Who else out of that group were they gonna take? And, as if that place was gonna miss the chance to be on MTV. But Baya turns them down. She claims she doesn't wanna do it unless her heart's completely into it, but she's probably still scared of the fudge who was conducting the audition. Whatever. She's too good for that place anyway. If she really wants to dance, I know of a number of good places on the East Side.
Meanwhile, JD's had an ongoing issue with his father trying to open up accounts in his name. JD had someone investigate it, then he had his father arrested. The cops call JD to let him know that they picked his father up, and that the old man cried like a little bitch when the cop told him JD seemed like a good kid. Later, seemingly out of nowhere, JD shows up drunk talking about how he told some clerk he was gonna have her job, because she said she was tired of people who can't speak English. It's a scene right out of the Karate Kid, like when Danielson learned that Mr. Miyagi had a wife and child that died in an internment camp in World War II.
Fun Fact: Did you know that the actor who played Mr. Miyagi, who was also on Happy Days, drank himself to death? It's true. Listen to the audio commentary on the Karate Kid DVD. It's some really sad shit. It's made even more bizarre by the fact that he doesn't normally speak with a Chinese accent at all.
Anticlimactic conclusion: Chet and JD kinda get into it, but Chet decides that JD was drunk, and obviously he's got some issues, being a fudge and the son of a con artist, so he's gonna try to be understanding. And while Baya decided against joining the hip-hop dance conservatory, she's still gonna focus on her dancing this season. Which oughta work out well for me.
Next week: Sgt. Numbnuts might get it on with Baya. And Men's Health might get it on with Black Juggs. Yes, yes, and yes! I can't wait. This season has been so gay so far.
Posted by Bol at 10:03 PM | Permalink
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