The Real World: Brooklyn - Episode 1: Episode Summary
First of all, I'd just like to point out that I cut on MTV a couple of hours ago, because I didn't have shit else to do, and I notice they've been playing Aesop Rock in between the shows. The fuck? Is this their way of trying to win me back? Send a few hoo-ers to my crib and we might have a deal!
The 20th season of this mess kicks off with the roomies introducing themselves and clips from their respective audition tapes. The first two people we meet are some hayseed from rural Pennsylvania somewhwere who's spent time Iraq, and the world's most hideous transexual. Even for a tranny she's kinda gross. I notice the guy she's dating doesn't look at all like the kind of guy who'd date a tranny. If he settled for her because he was just that desperate, then... wow, just wow. I knew it was hard out here for a pimp, but I didn't realize it was that hard.
Is the idea here either to introduce roomies in tandem based on either their potential for conflict, or their potential to hook up? The next two people we meet are a Mormon guy from Utah somewhere, and a black chick from Kansas City who seems to be pretty high on her boobs. They really aren't that big, and my guess is that she might suffer from self esteem issues. Don't be surprised if she tries to throw herself at the white frat boy character, but he opts for an actual white chick. Or am I reading too much into this?
Speaking of which, I see they're introducing the frat boy - er, the frattier of the white guys - and the white chick you'd actually want to bang together, as if the two of them might have sex at some point. It'd be a shame if they didn't, even if all we'll get to see is some grainy nightvision footage of the two of them rolling like thunder under the covers, Elton John-style. Honestly, that's about all I caught of the two of them, but I wouldn't be surprised if there just isn't a whole lot to know about either of them.
Finally, as if a) there wasn't already enough people on this show (there used to be 7 right? or is early onset alzheimers beginning to set in?), and b) there weren't enough assorted fruits in this cast, we meet another teh ghey guy (we're counting the tranny as a teh ghey guy, right?), and a creepy-looking white chick with a lot of tattoos. I'm not gonna lie. My appreciation for what's known as alt pr0n has grown considerably in the past year. There's nothing hotter than a pale white chick with lots of colorful tattoos... other than a woman who's actually hot.
It takes all of about 10 seconds after they walk into the house - which reminds me of the Seattle house, of all places - before they start in with the product placement. I notice a couple of tasty-looking sandwich wheels from Subway, which would definitely have me excited, and a refrigerator full of shit from Junior's - the famous cheesecake place where Diddy sent those poor kids from Making the Band 2 way back when. I couldn't help but be reminded of, again, the Seattle season, when Irene supposedly left because she had lyme disease, and later she told Jello Biafra it was because of all of the bullshit product placement. Hopefully, I'm not revealing too much about myself here.
Question: Why is the Mormon guy wearing a pink hoody and talking like a fag, and yet he claims not to be teh ghey? Are we supposed to suspect that he's a huge closet case? Are the tranny and the hispanic teh ghey guy gonna try to pressure him to come out? He's got this picture of him and his girlfriend, but he admit that he's never hit it. Hmm... I heard those Mormon abstinence pledge kids fuck more than anyone. Meanwhile, us godless atheist types couldn't get shit. When he says that he feels pressure, and he struggles not to submit to it, it's the gayest thing evar.
Speaking of teh ghey guys, we learn that the frat boy kid was in an issue of Men's Health that just came out the other day. He tries to act all shy and modest about it, but I notice he just so happens to have a copy right there to show everyone, while they're all standing around. Then he lifts up his shirt to show everyone his abs. The black chick with the large-ish cans definitely seems to be impressed. What did I tell you! Obviously, the goal here was to get whomever the straight chicks in the house are to want to fuck him. I'd probably do the same thing, if I was ever in Men's Health.
Per tradition, things head to the hot tub. Right away, there's a shot of the black chick jiggling her large-ish boobs. It's too bad she's probably been instructed by MTV to make them as prominent as possible without actually taking off her top. If MTV finally does cancel the Real World, once they realize that the only people who give a shit are sorry, old motherfuckers such as myself, they might need to move this shit to HBO, where we can see some actual nudity. I'd say it's about time. Someone who was actually a 20 something when this shit began would have to be, what, like 50 at this point?
The second half hour of this special hour-long episode kicks off with the low hanging fruit on the phone with his wife or girlfriend or whatever. The wife, who must still be back in the John Cougar Mellencamp-style small town wants to know if the house is split four guys, four girls. Sgt. Numbnuts replies that he's not sure, since one of the girls seems to be a guy. Seriously? How can there be confusion as to whether or not the tranny is a tranny? I've never seen a more fucked up-looking tranny in my life. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Siobhan the transexual might be more attractive than this guy. Extra nullus.
Sgt. Numbnuts seems to be hitting it off with MIss Hot Topic, which is just... special. They make such a seemingly mismatched and yet perfect couple. I sure hope they get it on. They're obviously both extremely damaged. The low hanging fruit must have shot some school children while he was over in Iraq. Miss Hot Topic asks him if he ever shot at anyone while he was over, and he tenses up and then explains how one one his friends recently shot himself because he couldn't get over the PTSD or whatever, and how he's writing a book as a sort of therapy/tie-in opportunity.
But why is there any controversy at all as to whether Sgt. Numbnuts should reveal that he was in Iraq? He's not afraid that there's gonna be someone there who reads the news, and who's gonna consider him a babykiller, is he? He tells Closet Case that he was in the Army, and Closet Case is all like. "Dude, I wanted to be in the Army. I just couldn't man up." Sgt. Numbnuts' response: "Yeah, it's not for everyone." Then the two of them go outside and lie on the beach under a beatiful sunset, while Sgt. Numbnuts sings a song about his experiences in Iraq. No bullshit! Closet Case: "I think we just had a moment."
Similarly, they must be kidding with this shit about how they're not sure if the hispanic kid is teh ghey, or the tranny is a tranny. There's a scene where the tranny is wandering around the kitchen in pink underwear, and Sgt. Numbnuts and Closet Case are checking her crotch for a bulge. (Does this mean she's a post-op?) Then there seems to be a conflict re: the fact that the hispanic kid is hitting the town with the tranny. Sgt. Numbnuts and Closet Case want to know why they weren't invited, and then one of them comes right out and asks the hispanic kid if he's teh ghey. The hispanic kids like, duh! Then even after that happens, and after the hispanic kid goes about his business, they go back to arguing over whether the tranny is really a guy.
Next scene: Closet Case is standing there in the shower, while Sgt. Numbnuts is teasing his hair. The two of them are still discussing whether or not the tranny was really born a guy. They're convinced she's gonna explain this to the hispanic kid tonight (as if), and he's gonna come back home and explain it to them. On their date, the hispanic kid mostly seems concerned with comiserating about how tough it is to be teh ghey. We finally learn that the tranny is indeed a post-op, and it's been suicidal in the past. Once all this is revealed, the two of them share a good cry and a hug. Does this mean the two of them are gonna fuck? I know those fruits don't like to waste time.
