Teriyaki Boyz - Serious Japanese: Album Review
By Akuma, who has his own blog now
Teriyaki Boyz, Serious Japanese (Startrak, 2009)
Nigo, who runs the Bape clothing label, also does hip-hop in his spare time with some of his Japanese pals, much to the dismay of anyone with ears. They already had one album out which leant heavily on Nigo’s celebrity connections to provide beats. This follows the existing formula. Will their skills have developed on their sophomore release, to now approach something listenable? No, they won’t.
PLEASE COME (INTRO)
Adrock from the Beastie Boys shouts some incomprehensible sh*t about the ‘year of the cow’. Me neither.
WORK THAT
Pretty much all the tracks feature American A-listers, in some sort of attempt to draw attention from the ‘Boyz’ (nullus) corny rapping. This one has Chris Brown and Pharrell.
AFTER 5AM
Who in their right mind is going to buy this album? Maybe Japanese people are into this kinda sh*t. I know you can buy schoolgirl knickers from vending machines over there, so it’s possible.
TOKYO DRIFT (FAST & FURIOUS)
Another beat from Pharrell’s budget line. The chorus has a shouty M.I.A./Santogold type thing going on. This might be considered cool by people who’d wear horrible Bape hoodies. Incidentally, Nigo (who owns Bape) is in this group, so there’s the connection.
SWEET GIRL
This rips Q-Tip’s lines from the remix of Janet Jackson’s Got It Till It’s Gone, in much the same way that T.I. already did – just much, much worse. Note: Japanese rapping through auto-tune sounds as bad as American rapping does.
TERIYA-KING
Kanye ‘not actually going to do bisexual porn’ West lends some guest-raps to Pharrell’s tax write-off. He nearly manages to get out-rapped by the ‘Boyz, which is saying something.
5th ELEMENT
Quite a cool beat on this one, like a 2000’s update of Newcleus (look it up 90’s babies).
SERIOUS JAPANESE
The rapping reaches new levels of mediocrity on this track. They probably should have done the whole thing in Japanese, rather than mixing it up with English. When you can’t understand what they’re saying it’s noticeably more tolerable.
ZOCK ON!
An absolutely storming beat from the Neptunes, in the vein of Lil’ Wayne’s Yes. Busta predictable delivers a killer verse. With some clever editing (to remove any trace of the Teriyaki Boyz) this could be a real banger.
CAN’T BAKE THAT FAPE
Adrock shows up again and actually raps this time. I guess this must be about fake Bape gear, kinda hard to tell. Like real Bape is worth a sh*t anyhow. Perhaps if you like looking like you’re wearing a pre-school child’s bedroom wallpaper on your shirt then Bape clothes would appeal.
IT’S MORE
Ouch.
I STILL LOVE H.E.R. (HONTO E RAP)
This has been floating around the internets for a while now. Not sure how this is meant to be a remake of the Common track, if indeed that’s what it is.
GET THE HELL (OUTRO)
More waffle from Adrock.
TOKYO DRIFT (REMIX)
A remix featuring The Clipse and Fam-Lay. Needless to say it’s no Grindin’.
ZOCK ON! (DJ DECKSTREAM REMIX)
Manages to remove everything that was good about the best track on the album. Utterly superfluous.
COMMENTS: Probably the most offensive thing to come out of Japan since Pearl Harbour. Nigo should stick to designing day-glo children’s clothes in adult sizes and leave hip-hop to professionals, or at the very least stop rapping. The irony here is his 90’s album on MoWax was actually pretty good. Oh, how the just-above-mediocre have fallen.
BEST TRACK: ZOCK ON!
BONUS VIDEO: "I Still Love H.E.R."
