ByronCrawford.com

Eliot Spitzer's other hoo-er

So the other day, another one of these escort services in New York got busted (can a hooker live, seriously?), and come to find out, none other than Eliot Spitzer had been a long-time client.

This place was called Wicked Models, and was run by this broad named Kristin Davis - not to be confused with arguably the best-looking chick on Sex and the City (I know, I know), who's had her own share of sexual issues lately, with pictures of her fellating some dude turning up on the Internets.

According to financial documents and other evidence uncovered in the bust, Eliot Spitzer had been worked on, on numerous occasions, by this broad Kristin, pictured above, going back to 2003.

As you can see, she's got ridonkulous cans - the kind that are so big that you'd probably have to have pretty big cans in the first to be able to get such large implants. But on the other hand, she kinda looks like a tranny, and I've been especially wary of trannies as of late, what with the revelation that a tranny out in Washington has actually gotten pregnant.

The technology is that good now.

So I can honestly say that I'm at a loss for whether or not I would bang this broad. Just because she has a pussy doesn't necessarily mean she always did. With a face like that, I'd at least see if this place Wicked had another broad with comparable boobs first. Nhjic.

What do you fruits think? I've posted several photos of her that ran in today's New York Post after the jump. My bad that they aren't very big [That's what she said! -- Ed.]; I guess they want you to buy the paper.

Britney Spears, apparently, can't sing

Well, of course she can't. Her whole thing was always that she was this barely 18 year-old girl that you'd love to fuck. Now, her thing is that she used to be this barely 18 year-old girl that you'd love to fuck and now she just looks like shit, and she's not even that old. And maybe she'll commit suicide - which would almost certainly be caught on camera, given how swarmed she is with paparazzi at all hours of the day and night.

I'm not sure if it's common knowledge though that it's not actually her singing on her records. Er, not entirely her. According to motherfucking Henry Rollins, who must record his angry spoken word shit in the same studio, they have an older black woman come in and sing Britney's lines for her. Then Britney records her lines over them and they mix the two together. Kinda like what they used to do with Milli Vanilli back in the day, but much more technologically advanced.

(Oddly enough, the one gulliest guy from Milli Vanilli ended up killing himself as well. Remember those episodes of Behind the Music? That was the shit.)

Here's the operative bit, from a recent interview with Henry Rollins:

“They have the black chick come in and sing, and Britney sings over it, and they mix them together. (Britney) gets her phrasing basically from this older R&B woman. I found that out talking to an engineer. Britney apparently isn’t actually the worst singer, she just has no feel. So they bring in this older black woman who sings the song, then Britney sings to it, and they kind of make a mix of the two voices, and that’s what you hear on the records.” (via)

Only thing is, I doubt this will be as big a deal as when Milli Vanilli got caught cheating (how obvious was that, in retrospect?), since I doubt she has any Grammys she would need to give back, and since I think you have to take it for granted these days that any singing you hear on the radio is done with the aid of a computer.

Checkit: Henry Rollins Claims Britney Spears Didn't Sing Alone on Her Album [Cleveland Leader]

And after the jump is some Henry Rollins ranting re: technology in music that I think is particularly relevant to the hip-hop community.

It's official: Bol > The LA Times

Bol, a week and a half ago:

As far as whether or not Big and Puff had anything to do with it, I’m gonna suggest that they didn’t, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I’m a Biggie stan to the end. Second of all, Chuck Philips’ main evidence that this is the case comes from an unnamed FBI informant, and my tendency is to not want to believe any claims made unnamed FBI informants. For all we know, this could just be some jail house snitch looking for time off of his sentence.

The LA Times, today:

A Los Angeles Times story about a brutal 1994 attack on rap superstar Tupac Shakur was partially based on documents that appear to have been fabricated, the reporter and editor responsible for the story said Wednesday. [...]

"In relying on documents that I now believe were fake, I failed to do my job," [reporter Chuck] Philips said in a statement Wednesday. "I'm sorry."

My concern here is this: This guy Chuck Philips has a Pulitzer Prize, albeit for some reporting that may not have anything to do with this. But why shouldn't the Pulitzer Prize be like pro wrestling, where if one journalist, i.e. myself, pwns another journalist, said journalist should be able to take his Pulitzer Prize? I might have to have a talk with the committee.

Checkit: The Times apologizes over article on rapper [Los Angeles Times]

Also, if you haven't already, you should check out the piece on the Smoking Gun about this guy Jimmy Sabatino. It's some fascinating shit. I'm sure it would make for a much more interesting Notorious B.I.G. film than the one that's being made right now - along the lines of Catch Me If You Can, but more hip-hop and more nucking futs.

New Obama Girl videos

So apparently, the people who did that dumbass Obama Girl video last year figured they'd might as well keep doing them, since the original has gotten something like 6 gozillion views on YouTube.

I see they've got some sort of deal with YouTube, where YouTube runs ads underneath their videos (if you actually watch them within YouTube), and I'm assuming they get some sort of cut of that. Though who knows how well that kind of advertising pays.

Oh, who am I kidding? Those assholes are probably making a mint.

I'm sure I've contributed quite a bit myself. I've spent perhaps the better part of the past hour checking them out - for the sake of journalism, natch - after coming across one just now.

It appears that the subsequent videos are even more retarded than the first one, which wasn't so brilliant itself. But this girl, Amber Lee Ettinger... holy shit! The face might be a little bit haggard, but the cans are ridonkulous.

I've posted several of these videos after the jump, for your viewing pleasure. Note that this isn't even anywhere near half of them though. For the rest of them, check the YouTube profile of Barely Political, the video blog that created them.

Black Milk & Fat Ray - The Set Up: Album Review

Black Milk & Fat Ray, The Set Up (Fat Beats, 2008)
Black Milk is the kid from Detroit who put out one of last year's better rap albums, Popular Demand. Fat Ray is the guy that holds the bag that has the weed in it when they're at the airport, in case there's any issues with John Q. Law.

• Black Milk @ MySpace

Barack Family Photo

This is an email cracka-ass crackas have been circulating amongst themselves.

According to Snopes, the photo does include some members of Obama's extended family (like many black people here in the States, Obama has umpteen half brothers and sisters), but they aren't actually on crack, or acting in teh ghey pr0n. Er, at least as far as we know.

Here's a list Snopes put together of the people in the photo's actual identities.

Front row (left to right): Auma Obama (Barack's half-sister), Kezia Obama (Auma's mother), Sarah Hussein Onyango Obama (the third wife of Barack's paternal grandfather), unidentified woman.

Back row (left to right): Unidentified man, Barack Obama, Abongo [Roy] Obama (Barack's half-brother), unidentified woman, unidentified man, unidentified man.

It's official: Bol > The Jackson Family

Except for the women, who at least had their vaginas to fall back on.

No but really, the New York Post recently conducted an investigation the Jackson family's financial state of affairs, and it turns out their shit is fucked the fuck up. The women have at least found a way to talk a man into giving them some money, but the men might seriously want to consider taking up blogging.

The story in the New York Post included the following rundown of how the various members of the clan are making ends meet these days.

Joseph Jackson, 79 and Katherine Jackson, 77

Dad hustles various girl groups in Las Vegas. Mom is still a stay-at-home housewife and the only family member in contact with Michael. Both have previously filed for bankruptcy

Janet Jackson, 41

The current family breadwinner. She bought her mom a Vegas home in anticipation of losing the family's mansion, Hayvenhurst, to foreclosure. Like their Neverland colleagues, workers at Hayvenhurst have not been paid for months.

La Toya Jackson, 52

Family turncoat who declared Michael guilty during the 1993 molestation case, she earns a living mostly in Europe and in the UAE judging beauty and singing contests. She lives with a wealthy boyfriend in Beverly Hills and has little contact with her siblings.

Rebbie Jackson, 57

The oldest, she's married to successful businessman Nathaniel Brown.

Tito Jackson, 55

Formed a blues band several years ago and plays at small venues for $500 to $1,500 a gig.

Michael Jackson, 49

On the verge of losing Neverland ranch as well as the family's Encino, Calif., home. He's hiding out in Las Vegas and repeatedly makes promises to his brothers while sabotaging any attempts by them to ply their musical trade.

Randy Jackson, 46

Does odd jobs like changing tires to support himself. He was Michael's business manager during the 2005 molestation trial but ran into serious problems with friends after he persuaded three people to take out lines of credits against their homes to help Michael pay his attorney fees and Michael stiffed them.

Marlon Jackson, 51

Lives in San Diego, where he works stocking groceries at a Vons supermarket. He fell on hard times three years ago when he was forced to leave his foreclosed home and move into an Extended Stay America hotel with his wife, Carol.

Jackie Jackson, 56

The oldest son started an Internet clothing business and is trying to produce records by his sons. Nothing has panned out.

Jermaine Jackson, 54

Splits time between the parents' Hayvenhurst mansion and his girlfriend's home in the San Fernando Valley. With more than $5 million in federal, state and other liens against him and a 1995 bankruptcy filing, he doesn't work or have a regular income.

Checkit: JACKO CLAN IN A DEEP FUNK [New York Post]

Blind people should be allowed to hold elected office

According to Last Week's Poll
I created this poll this past Monday morning, a mere matter of hours before this guy David Paterson was sworn in as the governor of New York.

Soon after, him and his wife were announcing that the two of them had "stepped out" on one another, during a rough patch in their marriage a few years. I guess he figured he'd better preempt any photos emerging of him balls deep in any of his interns - since I'm difficult to know for certain if there's any cameras in the room when you can't see shit.

Which brings me to the point of last week's poll. Should blind people be allowed to hold elected office? Check the results.

Should blind people be allowed to hold elected office?

1. Yes (127 votes)
2. No (63 votes)

I'll admit, I'm surprised at the results of this one. I figured a few people might be swayed to vote for the PC option, but not a clear majority of this site's readership. It must be because the guy's black, and black people are willing to put up with a certain degree of shortcomings in black elected officials, as evidenced by the likes of Kwame Kilpatrick.

Personally, I would have had to vote no - my reasoning being that the guy can't see shit, and as such it would just be too easy for him to be duped. You could hand him a bill making it legal for grown people to have sex with children, and he'd probably sign it, thinking it was a contract for road construction or some shit. (R. Kelly would have a field day!)

Granted there's braille, and women whose job it is to read shit to blind people (at tax payers' expense, I'm sure), and what have you, but what if there's an emergency? If al Qaeda decides to strike again (god forbid), do you really want the safety of the state of New York dependent on the emotional stability of some secretary?

I nailed the #@!# out of him!

Screw pulling people over and reading them their rights, police down in South Carolina have recently taken to trying to run suspects over with their cars - seemingly as a matter of official force policy.

The reason I suspect this is the case is because it apparently takes place fairly often down there. Two different videos of such incidents have hit the Internets in the past week or so. Who knows how many times this has actually happened.

I've posted both of the clips after the jump for your viewing pleasure.

In the first one, a cop in a car chases a guy on foot down the street then around a corner. Then you can see where he purposely started to swerve so he could run the guy over. Afterwards, he remarks to one of his racist cop buddies about how he nailed the fuck out of the guy. You get the idea this is not the first time he's done this.

The second clip might even be more ridiculous. The police, in a car, chase another car right to the edge of these projects, where a guy jumps out and start running into a courtyard. But then the cop car takes off after the guy into the courtyard. The guy looks back like, "I can't believe these cracka-ass crackas are chasing me through the projects in a car," and he almost gets run over. They chase him around corners and up and down sidewalks and past a playground. They could have very easily run over some kids, who were playing nearby.

From what I understand, the incidents depicted in these videos took place last year, and had more or less been swept under the rug until the videos hit the Internets just now. The offending officers were suspended for two or three days, and one guy who was dropping a lot of dreaded n-words had to go to diversity training, like on the Office. But now the Feds are looking into it, since the videos are all over the Internets. So who knows what might happen.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if they still got away with that shit. Lord knows the police have gotten away with way worse.

Checkit: Feds probe SC Highway Patrol after videos show racial slur, suspects hit by cars [International Herald Tribune]

Am I my brother's keeper?

As many of you fruits may know, I have a brother who's only a year or so younger than I am, but he stands a good eight inches shorter than I do, and he weighs maybe half as much. We don't look very much alike.

He's not married, but if he was, and I resembled him in the least bit, and his wife was especially hot, I might be tempted to pull some shit like this.

The following is from a Dear Abby column that ran Monday.

DEAR ABBY: I am 27, and my wife, "Marybeth," is 26. We recently went to my folks' house for supper. That evening a heavy snowstorm was starting and, because the trip home is 30 miles, we decided to stay overnight.

My old bedroom is upstairs, as are the rooms of my brothers, ages 25, 24 and 22. The guest room is downstairs. Because the room is quite small, and Marybeth said she felt a cold coming on, we decided I'd sleep in my old room.

The next day, while we were driving home, Marybeth told me she was glad I had come to her room after all and made love to her.

Abby, it wasn't me! She had mistaken one of my brothers for me in the darkness. We are all about the same size and build.

I have talked to each of my brothers (they all know about this), but they won't say who it was for fear of causing a rift between the guilty party and me. I told them that unless I find out who it was, there will be a permanent rift between all of us. (Marybeth still doesn't know it wasn't me.)

How do I handle this? -- ENRAGED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

Roffle!

Of course I wouldn't though. Because forcing a woman to have sex with you against her will is wrong, regardless of what she might be wearing at the time. (Though it's somewhat more understandable if she's all exposed like that.)

I'll go ahead and throw it out there: If your brother pulled some shit like this, what would you do? Beat the crap out of both of your brothers on GP? Or would you let that shit slide and just not let your wife sleep in the same house as your brother again?

I guess technically, the time-honored tradition of bros before hoes wouldn't apply in this case, since it's your wife. But it's usually not actually your brother either. Hmm...

Checkit: HUSBAND REMAINS IN THE DARK ABOUT WIFE'S NIGHTTIME VISITOR [Yahoo! News]

And after the jump is Fiddy Cent gloating about Fat Joe's first week album sales, which I found rather amusing. Note the Harvard cap.

Vogue to black people: "Suck it"

Did Vogue magazine purposely set out to make Lebron James look like King Kong, or was there no way they could take a picture of him and have him not look like King Kong? Racist bastard that I am, of course my tendency is to want to say the latter, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was the former.

You'll recall that the new issue of Vogue first made the news a week or so ago because Lebron James is the first black guy and only the third guy in general to grace the cover of the magazine in its 115-year history. At the time, this was mostly presented as a positive both for Lebron and for Vogue.

Then of course there had to be rumblings from the kind of people who live to sniff out contentious race issues - as jimbrah izrael might put it, the kind of people who could find a race issue in a ham sandwich.

I'll admit, when I first saw it, I thought, "Wow, they got him on there with Gisele Bundchen!" I figured the suggestion might be that Lebron is big-time enough that he could probably hit that if he wanted to. (Which I would of course have to take as a positive.) The whole didn't King Kong angle didn't even occur to me until someone else suggested it.

(Am I losing my edge or what?)

I probably should have known better. The high fashion industry's relationship with the black community has been ridonkulously antagonistic as of late, which is why I wouldn't be surprised if this cover really was meant to be some covert racial provocation.

As I broke down in a story for XXL last year, the fashion industry has been under fire from critics for not using very many black models at all on the runway and in magazine shoots. The thing is, these designers don't have to sweat using any black models at all if they don't want to, since fashion design is considered an art. They can legally discriminate against black women all they want.

I suppose if we wanted to, black people could figure out which clothing lines use a representative number of black models and only buy clothes from them, but you know how black people are better at complaining about shit than actually getting anything done. Besides, these clothing lines are probably all owned by the same few TIs anyway.

In that sense, I wouldn't be surprised if Vogue was aware of the King Kong resemblance all along, and that the purpose of this cover was just a big eff you to its critics. What do you fruits think? Is Vogue purposely fucking with black people? And if so, is there even anything we could possibly do about it? Or should we give a shit either way?

Checkit: Is Vogue's LeBron Cover Offensive? [ABC News' Screen Shots blog via The Message]

Why Pauly Shore can't find work

Free American Airlines!

I'm not gonna lie. If I was flying somewhere on a plane and the wrong girl came and sat down next to me and fell asleep, I'd probably be tempted to give my joint a couple of tugs and maybe blow a load in her hair.

I wouldn't though, because I'm not a pervert like that. Instead, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to avert my eyes for the remainder of the flight, and until I arrived at the hotel - at which point I would have the entire room to myself, plus Spectravision!

Or, worst case scenario, maybe I'd have to get up from my seat and furiously stroke it in the john - something I'm surprised I've never done, or actually even thought of. (I wonder if there isn't a name for that, by the way. Like joining the mile high club, but by yourself.)

This guy on a recent American Airlines, however... he was a perv like that. He got up from his seat and sat next to a broad who was sleeping. Then he jerked off and dropped a Nick Manning-style load in the poor girl's hair.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, is way worse than the situation I constructed before. At least in my scenario you could kinda blame the chick, in that you had no idea that you would be sitting next to a girl that hot. You were caught off guard.

It's funny. People raised such a stink last year when those airlines were kicking those broads off for having their titties all hanging out of their shirts and what have you. Those airlines must have known some shit like this could happen. In fact, this is probably not the first time that it has.

The girl who got jizzed on in this case is trying to sue American Airlines, which of course strikes me as bullshit.

I'm not saying any woman deserves to get jizz in her hair unless she absolutely wants to. Lord knows if some perve jizzed in my hair (er, on my head), I'd be left with no other choice but to take his life, lest someone think I was teh ghey.

But still. I'm at a loss for how this is the airline's fault. It's like, if a woman raped in a dark alley (you know, the kind of rape that hardly ever actually occurs) and then she tried to sue the person who owned the adjacent building, for blocking out the street light. Pshaw!

This woman claims that American Airlines is at fault because they saw the guy go and sit next to her while she was asleep and they didn't do anything about it. As if every guy who switches seats on a plane is about to jizz in a girl's hair. Maybe he was sitting next to an Indian person with bad personal hygiene.

In my opinion, the fellow who dropped the load should go to jail, because what he did was wrong. And I'm sure plenty of other men have thought of doing the same shit he did and managed to refrain. But for this girl to try to sue the company that owns the plane where it took place strikes me as some ol' bullshit.

What do you fruits think?

"Woman files lawsuit against AMR because passenger next to her masturbated while she slept" [Star-Telegram via The Consumerist]

Is that supposed to be Barack Obama?

The Roots must be under quite a bit of pressure from the TIs at Def Jam not to do Little Brother numbers with this new album of theirs, Rising Down, due next month. How else to explain so many different publicity stunts from them as of late?

First there was that song with the kid from Fall Out Boy, which sounds like a song about banging a young white chick on her 18th birthday, even though it probably isn't. (I wish I was that clever.) It's not anything I would actually listen to of my own volition, but I wasn't nearly as upset with it as a lot of people were.

The fan video for it that hit YouTube a few days after the song leaked might actually be my favorite video evar at this point, even though I heard it was a plant by Cornerstone Promotion, the company that's promoting this album, and which also owns The Fader - where said video first hit the Internets, if I'm not mistaken. If I was the Roots, I'd seriously see about having that video played on MTV. They might have to get rid of the (already fake) coke, but that wouldn't completely ruin it.

The Roots may have upped the ante though with this latest stunt of theirs. Only thing is, I'm not sure how many people really caught onto it until just now.

When it hit the Internets the other day, I think a lot of people were just like, "Alright, another lame-ass cover to a Roots album." They've been into that whole racial provocation thing ever since they began hanging out with Common back in the late '90s, as evidenced by the covers to Common's Like Water for Chocolate, which was produced by the Roots' ?uestlove; and the cover for the Roots' own Things Fall Apart, which features that line by Common about how he wishes so many white people didn't show up to his concerts.

As it turns out, there might be more to it. Last night, as I was celebrating St. Patrick's Day by having some Guinness, I came across a post over at The Couch Sessions about the cover for Rising Down. The post features the album's cover as well as the following explanation of the artwork by none other than ?uestlove himself.

“This drawing is entitled NEGRO RULE. and it pretty much sums up the feeling of the Confederate Union towards the newly freed slaves and the idea that if given power they would reek havoc and chaos on the country.”

I think because I had been reading up about Barack Obama having to throw his pastor under a bus to satisfy white people and especially the Jews (more on this later), it struck me: The sambo figure on the Rising Down cover is obviously meant to represent Barack Obama, and people's fears of what might happen should he actually be elected president.

Which is a pretty ballsy move, I have to say, especially given the turn the election has taken in the past few weeks, since Obama failed to wrap it up in Ohio and Texas. As recently as this morning (I wouldn't know, I was in recovery), Obama apparently gave some sort of speech about race relations.

I wouldn't be surprised if, once people begin to realize what's going on here (I've yet to see anyone else draw this connection - not that I was looking), the Rising Down cover doesn't become quite the media sensation unto itself. I guess the question is whether or not it'll actually help them sell records.

UPDATE: After the jump is the speech I was talking about. Say what you will about Barack Obama, the man is one hell of a tightrope walker.

Del the Funky Homosapien - Eleventh Hour: Album Review

Del the Funky Homosapien, Eleventh Hour (Def Jux, 2008)
There was a time, back when I was in college, when it seemed like there would be a new Del album every few weeks. There was Both Sides of the Brain, and Deltron 3030, and that Gorillaz album; and then... nothing. For like eight years. Where has Del been? Probably in his mom's basement playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 and jerking off into a gray gym sock.

You can stream quite a bit of Eleventh Hour at Del's MySpace.

• Del @ MySpace

New look, same ol' BS

Speaking of new shit, you may have noticed that this site has a spiffy new logo. It's by a guy named Christian Herrera, who agreed to come up with it for crackhead prices, so long as I gave him a shout out. So here goes.

Christian Herrera - Graphic Designer

Snoop Dogg has the best shit out right now

According to Last Week's Poll
As is often the case these days, 2008 started out as a kinda slow year for new hip-hop albums. Pretty much all there was was that Lil' Wayne EP, which Universal dropped just in time for them to write it off on their taxes, and it fucking sucked balls.

In the past few weeks though, there's been quite a few high profile hip-hop releases, spanning the range from major label BS like Snoop Dogg and Rick Ross, to underground shit like Yak Ballz and Del the Funky Homosapien, to shit that's only really hip-hop in terms of its production values and the amount of drugs that must have been consumed while it was being recorded, like the new Erykah Badu.

Last week's poll sought to determine which of these and several other new albums is the best album out right now. Here are the results.

Best new album?

1. Snoop Dogg - Ego Trippin'
2. Rick Ross - Trilla
3. Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple
4. Pete Rock - NY's Finest
5. Del the Funky Homosapien - Eleventh Hour
6. Erykah Badu - New Amerykah Part One
7. eMC - The Show
8. Fat Joe - The Elephant in the Room
9. Yak Ballz - Scifentology II
10. Akrobatik - Absolute Value

What can I say, other than that I expected more out of this site's readership? Snoop Dogg and Rick Ross? Even people who like southern rap don't like Rick Ross. I enjoy the shit out of the singles from the Snoop Dogg, but you'd pretty much have to be on drugs to enjoy the whole thing.

Are you people on drugs?

I guess for what it's worth, the votes in this one were pretty evenly split. The Snoop Dogg album, which came in first, received 13% of the voted; and even that Akrobatik album received over 3% of the vote. I didn't bother to include vote totals in these results because I'm fucking lazy like that.

Also, it's not like any of these albums is an unqualified masterpiece. The Snoop Dogg album has its issues, but so does my favorite album on the list, Del the Funky Homosapien's Eleventh Hour, as well as my second favorite album on the list, Yak Ballz' Scifentology II. In that sense, it's hardly any wonder that the one would do better than the other.

Have your girlfriend make you a steak and blow you today

Today is Steak and BJ Day.

Steak - Watch more free videos

The new best blog entry evar

Even better than that time Bun B took up blogging. Except I'm not sure if this is a legit blog entry, in the sense that Snoop actually sat around in his mom's basement with some Def Jux and some pr0n and actually came up with this. BET has this blog called Hip-Hop vs America where it looks like they just take excerpts from interviews with rappers and try to pass them off as actual blog entries by rappers. This one's called "Snoop Dogg's [sic] On Women In Videos."

Women in Videos
by Snoop Dogg

I seen that sh*t! Bullsh*t! The woman is perceived the way…she is perceived. It is what it is, man. You gotta look at what hip-hop is. Hip-hop is not the stories. It’s not a soap opera. Hip-hop is not ‘The View.’ It’s not…’The Oprah Winfrey Show.’ Hip-hop is what it is. We have our certain views on women the way we do. It’s like Playboy. Do anybody got something to say about the way Playboy view women? They take their shirt off and show their t**ties. That’s the first way to get into Playboy. You gotta show Hugh Heffner your t**ties if you wanna get in Playboy. There’s nothing degrading about that, but at the same time, when we show women in videos, they have their clothes on. We don’t play videos on BET with women naked; we can’t get away with that. But it’s degrading what we’re doing, when in actuality, we’re giving these women a chance to shine. Now, if these women would become directors and depict women in a different light, then that would give them a different light as far as the way people view them. A male director is gonna direct it the way he feels. He’s gonna make it the way a woman looks sexy.

Look at this for example. How many ugly women selling records? None! Only the pretty ones sell records. Beyonce, Mary J, Keyshia Cole, the ugly ones don’t sell. I ain’t gon say no names, but they don’t sell records. They just be singing their little hearts out, but they don’t get no sales, cause they ugly. Now, that’s my fault? I can see this on TV now: ‘Snoop Dogg called me, ugly.’ You beautiful on the inside, baby. What I wanna say to go on top of that, to the chocolate women, the dark-skinned women, I love ya’ll.  I got a chocolate daughter at home. I always tell her chocolate is the best thing in the world. Don’t think that light skin is in, chocolate ain’t never went nowhere. Black is beautiful. I love dark-skinned women. That’s why my videos be having dark women in them. I always used to have light-skinned women. Look at it. Show them one of my videos.

Checkit: Hip Hop vs America [BET]

Eliot Spitzer's hoo-er... holy shit!

I probably wouldn't spend my last $4,300 on some pussy (and any $4,300 would be my last $4,300), but you have to admit, it's kinda nice to know that pretty much the best pussy possible only costs that much.

Even for my broke-ass, it wouldn't be entirely outside the realm of possibility. In fact, even as I'm typing this, I'm beginning to debate how much I value living indoors. (Er, how I'd explain to my parents why I'm moving back in with them.)

Which is not to say that this broad is definitely the best-looking girl ever, but she might actually be up there. I don't even think the dudes from this site's comments section, who live to front about pussy over the Internets, could complain too much.

And proud black man that I am, I don't know that I'm enough of connoisseur of white pussy that I'd be able to distinguish anyway. Even broads who I'm told are way average-looking kinda do it for me. The Eskimos might have 100 different words for ice, but if you aren't from Alaska, how could you even tell which is which?

I'm reminded of a line from one of Dave Chappelle's old stand-up routines, back before he went all batshit. Namely, his remark that pussy has been entirely undervalued in our society. Girls are giving it away for way less than they could probably get for it. If it was a stock, it would be hitting rock bottom right about now.

Not that I'm complaining or anything. I'm just saying. From now on, it's gonna be difficult not to keep a running tally every time I'm forced to spend money on a broad. (And something tells me there's going to be plenty of times.) Every time said tally hits $4,300, I'm gonna think of what I could have had, albeit only for like an hour, and I'm probably gonna feel gypped.

Or maybe I'll get lucky and strike it rich, and I won't have to compromise.

Checkit: Report: Spitzer call girl identified [Yahoo! News]

And after the jump are several pictures from this broad's MySpace, pilfered by the estimable Shabooty. The one in the bikini is obviously being printed off, laminated, and stuck in my wallet, for break time at the BGM, but I'm also quite partial to the ones of her in the maid outfit. If I was gonna bang a hoo-er, I'd make her wear one of those, at least as we started out.

Something to think about next time you're in the mall

You know how it is when you're at the mall. Everywhere you look, there's underage pussy.

Even if you don't purposely set out to notice that sort of thing (and obviously I don't, I'm just saying), it's kinda hard not to accidentally see it. You can hardly swing a dead cat without hitting some 15 year-old ass.

Well, here's something to consider next time you're out pretending not to follow around a group of high school-age broads. The other day, a study was released that claims that something like one in four teenage girls has gotten some sort of sexually transmitted disease, including the clap, that HPV shit, and a buncha shit I hadn't even heard of.

If there's an upside to any of this, it's that it's not necessarily AIDS. I'm sure plenty of young broads have got AIDS these days, but the number can't be anywhere near one in four. Also, a lot of that shit you can just get a shot for, and I'm not sure if HPV really causes any harm for guys. (If you're a girl, it can give you cancer of the snatch.)

It gets worse though. As is the case with many bad statistics these days, the numbers are way more fucked the fuck up if you adjust for only black people. It might even be a case of black people throwing off the stats for everyone else, like the phony marriage crisis, which is really just a marriage crisis for black women.

I'm not sure if I'm buying the stats though with regard to STD rates for teenage black girls. Supposedly, something like half of the black teenage girls in this study had some sort of STD. Seriously.

Which of course begs any number of questions. First of all, where was this study conducted, East St. Louis? Also, I'm at a loss for what they mean by "one in four," or, in the case of young black chicks, "damn near half." Do they really mean that many girls have got some sort of issue with their crotch, or did the study only deal with girls who do enough fucking that they'd likely have a disease at this point?

Either way, I'd say this news doesn't bode particularly well for the safety of your junk, regardless of how old you are. Even if one-fourth of all girls won't possibly fuck your shit up, it must be some bad percentage of the girls who might actually break you off. It might even be worse than one-fourth. Also, I can't imagine these stats get better once girls get older, when they're more likely to be doing the nasty, and when all of the clean-looking ones have long since been taken.

Depressing as it sounds, you're probably best off sporting a jimmy at all times these days, even if you're not bothering with any black chicks and hence not sweating catching AIDS. (What, that's not true? Spare me the feigned outrage.)

Teenage Girls' High STD Rate: Alarming Study Should Be A Call To Action [MTV]

And after the jump is my new favorite music video evar, maybe even more so than the clip for Fiona Apple's "Criminal." (Which I may not even have seen since I was in high school. Weird.) I don't care if it is a plant by Cornerstone Promotion. It's awesome.

The governor can't buy some pussy?

I'm not gonna lie. I haven't spent a significant amount of time researching this issue with the Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, being linked to a high-end prostitution ring. But I wonder, if all this guy did was purchase some stank for his hanglow, should it really be such a big deal?

As I mentioned in my post the other day on prostitution, I don't find prostitution to be that big of a deal. I don't frequent hoo-ers myself, and I'm not sure if I would if I had the means (okay, I would - I'd probably have to), by why should I give a rat's ass if some other guy does? If anything, it might be a good business opportunity for a woman, given today's economy.

I guess there's the issue that buying pussy is illegal, and this guy was supposed to be the Governor. But even that's kind of a gray area, as was mentioned in the story in Mother Jones about these online, erm, companionship services.

To just proposition a girl for sex in exchange for money in a blatant quid pro quo is illegal, but what if the girl's your girlfriend? And what's the qualifications for being someone's girlfriend? If I was a girl, and a guy wanted to give me some money, I'd probably like him enough to consider him my boyfriend, even if I didn't find him physically attractive. Nullus.

Isn't that the pretty much the basis of many interracial relationships involving black men and white women these days? Don't play dumb.

Indeed, Eliot Spitzer hasn't actually been charged with a crime. They've just got him on tape talking to a whore service over the phone. Which brings me to my next point: Why was 5-0 listening to that shit in the first place? And even once they heard it, how come they couldn't just let it slide, if all he was doing was trying to procure some sex that might actually have the effect of making him a better governor?

Finally, I heard that if he resigns, he's gonna be replaced by a black guy who's also blind. Which just seems ridiculous to me. In addition to issues I have as to whether blind people should be able to hold elected office (wouldn't someone who can see be better?), I wonder how he even rose to that position in the first place. Lieutenant Governor must be one of those offices you don't actually have to run for.

Checkit: Aide Say They Expect Spitzer to Resign [New York Times]

Rick Ross - Trilla: Album Review

Rick Ross, Trilla (Def Jam, 2008)
Rick Ross burst onto the scene a couple of years ago with that song "Everyday I'm Hustling," or whatever it's called, which turned out to be one of the first really big ringtones in hip-hop. He's more of a Jay-Z than a Soulja Boy though, complete with the almost certainly made up tales of his drug dealer past. If only he could rap better.

• Rick Ross @ MySpace

The Wire > The Sopranos

According to Last Week's Poll
Or rather, most people who voted in last week's poll felt The Wire ended better than The Sopranos.

The very last episode of The Wire evar aired last night, so I figured it might be interesting to pit its ending against the way controversial ending of The Sopranos to see which one most people preferred, especially since this past season of The Wire hasn't been without its issues as well.

I didn't realize when I created the poll though that those fags over at HBO, who really have been testing my patience for the past three years now, weren't gonna put the last episode On Demand until today. So you couldn't really say for certain which series ended better until the poll was damn near over.

At any rate, here's the results of last week's poll.

Which series ended better?

1. The Wire (109 votes)
2. The Sopranos (40 votes)

And wouldn't you know, most people preferred the ending of The Wire to the ending of The Sopranos. I wonder though, if people just voted for The Wire because they like it in general more than they like The Sopranos. Especially since, like I said, I imagine a lot of people hadn't actually seen the last episode of The Wire before they voted. And as I recall, this site's readership does prefer The Wire to The Sopranos. (It's more real, you see.)

Personally, I think The Sopranos had the better ending of the two series, with the caveats that neither of the series ended as well they could have, and I can appreciate the fact that The Wire's creators were severely hamstrung in their efforts by the TIs at HBO, who obviously hate their subscriber base. This last season of The Wire would have almost certainly been better if it had run for 13, or 15, episodes instead of having everything packed into 10 episodes with an hour and thirty-five minute-long finale. As if HBO actually has anything else worthwhile to run on Sunday nights now.

I think that last episode of The Sopranos rubbed people the wrong way (nullus?), but I've since come to appreciate it quite a bit. This last season of The Wire, meanwhile, was way more flawed to me than The Sopranos got even at its most contrived, to the point where I really couldn't enjoy the series as much. Watching those last eight episodes of The Sopranos, I don't recall thinking, "Wow, I can't believe they dropped the ball like that," nearly as many times as I did watching the last season of The Wire. Which is not to say, that I don't like The Wire, or even this last season. I'm just saying.

Fat Joe - The Elephant in the Room: Album Review

Fat Joe, The Elephant in the Room, (Terror Squad, 2008)
He may have been dropped from a major label like a bad habit, but damn it if Fat Joe hasn't experienced somewhat of a career renaissance in the past year or so, between his being best friends forever with the likes of DJ Khaled and Lil' Wayne, and duking it out with Papoose the Ninja. Will he be able to capitalize on his newfound notoriety with this, his first Koch-like independent release?

• Fat Joe @ MySpace

There goes a regular

The BGM where I work is in a white part of town that's been hit hard by the meth epidemic, so it's been having it's issues with regard to mofos coming in there stealing. People are coming in there pulling all kinds of scams and shit with the returns, while some people are just coming in there, grabbing big armfuls of shit and walking out of the front door with it.

Not even running, just casually walking out of the front door as if they were shopping. Invariably, the customers who witness this come up to me all shook, as if they had just gotten mugged or something. I guess they just don't feel very safe being in the general vicinity of crime. Plus, you know how cracka-ass crackas turn anything and everything into a threat against their children.

The irony is that the store moved to where it's at now from a mostly black neighborhood, where so much shit was being stolen (or returned for any number of bullshit reasons) that they eventually just had to say fuck it and move the entire store. Even though this was a while ago, pretty much once a day I'll get some old black lady who'll be like, "I used to shop at the other location all the time, because it's closer to where I live. How come y'all had to close it?" and I'll have to make up some shit about there being something wrong with the building or something.

Yesterday, we had this guy from corporate come in and explain to us that we were the highest shrink store, i.e. a lot of our shit turns up missing during inventory, in the entire chain, as if this was some failing on our part. Then he launched into all of this shit we were supposed to do to help cut down on theft. Essentially, you can't apprehend someone who's stealing (which is why tweakers don't sweat just walking out of the door with shit), but you're just supposed to harass the shit out of them until they take off running. And then if you do, you get some meager-ass reward that's like a tiny fraction of the value of the shit being stolen.

Now, unfortunate as it was to learn that our store is suffering from such issues with crime, let alone the thought that, if these problems get bad enough, the store might have to close or move somewhere else, I can't really say I was inspired to ramp up my personal crime-fighting efforts. First of all, as a lowly part-time employee, I don't see it as my duty to be busting criminals. The fact that so much shit is getting stolen in the first place strikes me as a socioeconomic issue that doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm not the mayor. I don't even live in the same neighborhood. Also, my fear is, if I did get involved, I could fuck around and end up getting attacked by one of these tweakers - or worse.

Some dumbass down in South County, who called himself trying to take a bite out of crime, ended up getting run over and killed. And he wasn't even an employee, just a customer. Or am I being too harsh on the guy by calling him a dumbass?

This took place in a Starbucks in Crestwood, MO. (I'm not familiar with Crestwood, but I'm sure it's a fine place to live, as is most of South County.) Two teenagers, a boy and a girl, went into a Starbucks. The girl ordered a coffee and took off. The boy stuck around for a bit and ended up stealing the tip jar, which had $5.20 in it. Some old fuck, a regular (I used to have to deal with these assholes all the time at White Castle - they think they own the place), saw what happened and took off after the kid. Then the kid ended up running the guy over in the parking lot. This happened Monday; he died yesterday of his injuries.

Reading about the incident just now, I couldn't help but be reminded of the cracka-ass crackas at the BGM who take any sort of crime in their presence as some sort of personal affront to them for which I'm responsible. Often, when they complain, it takes the same form as the rhetoric cracka-ass crackas (and Bill Cosby) spew when they speak of black folks who remain mired in poverty for generation after generation. Like, "Why can't these people just get a job and pay for their shit like the rest of us?" (Even though the perps at the BGM are typically poor white people and hispanics.)

Which is not to suggest that this was the thought process of that poor bastard at Starbucks. I'm just saying. If it was me, I probably would've just let the kid go with the tip jar. If the barista had especially nice cans, maybe I would've given her $5.20 out of my own pocket. What do you fruits think?

Checkit: Police seeking killer of man who tried to stop Starbucks theft [STLtoday]

And after the jump is actual security footage of the incident. (via)

Proof women will complain about anything

So there's this site, called SugarDaddy.com, or SugarDaddyForMe.com, where, if you're a guy, and you've got a shiteload of money, but you find it hard to convince women to have sex with you through the sheer virtue of your personality, or whatever reasons a woman would have sex with a man that don't have to do with money, you can just pay a broad.

(Or maybe you've got a wife at home, but she isn't particularly worth a shit; and you figure, as far as you've come in life, why shouldn't you be getting some high quality stank?)

And if you're a girl, and you look good enough that a guy might conceivably be willing to pay you an exorbitant sum just for the privilege of being able to shove his rod up enya on occasion, and you don't have any problem with that sort of thing, you can make a pretty substantial second income.

Or if you wanted to, and if you're that valuable, you could probably even not bother working a full-time job anymore and just make fucking some guy your primary source of income. Supposedly, some broads are making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year from this shit

And this shit's probably more widespread than you'd think. According to a recent story in Mother Jones, some of these sites claim to have hundreds of thousands of users. (Which of course makes me wonder just who these girls are? It could fuck around and be some girls I know. I'm so jealous!)

The author of the story in Mother Jones pulled one of these moves where she signed up for the site and ended up going out on a couple of dates with guys. Reading it, of course I hoped it would end with the guy getting wise to her silly feminist bullshit and violently raping her, but of course it doesn't.

Instead, she just kinda leads them on to the point where they tell her how much they'd be willing to pay for a little, uh, companionship (supposedly as much as $9,600 a month, which is $115,200 a year), and then she's like, "Um, no."

Then she launches into this whole bit about how it's so wrong that she could make so much more fucking a rich guy with a weight problem than she makes working for Mother Jones. To which my response is the following.

a) I doubt the guys who work there make very much either.

and

b) These girls should feel lucky to have that kind of opportunity.

There probably isn't a woman I wouldn't fuck every once in a while for $500 a month, let alone $9,600 a month. Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell... show me the money. Ladies, if you think I'm playing, feel free to put you're money where your mouth is.

What do you fruits think? Is it wrong that sites like this exist, or is it just wrong that it costs so much money to play?

Checkit: SugarDaddy.com: Old Dogs, New Tricks [Mother Jones]

Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple: Album Review

Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (Downtown, 2008)
There had to be another one of these Gnarls Barkley albums, right? I don't know how many copies the first one sold, but that song "Crazy" was utterly ubiquitous a couple of years ago. I can only imagine what they stand to make in commercial tie-ins, even once they fail to actually craft a satisfying follow-up to their one big hit.

• Gnarls Barkley @ MySpace

My bad, dogs

I had forgotten all about the time when I supposedly gay-bashed a dog, but I was reminded of it just now when one of you fruits mentioned it in the comments to the post yesterday about that Marine who threw that dog off of a cliff.

So I went back and refreshed myself on what went down (a lot of this shit I don't remember any better than the rest of you), and I ended up doing a story for it for XXL. You might want to check that out.

Killing a dog is so 1998

I also ended up doing a certain degree of follow-up on the Puppy Torture Video, as it's being called, which I sorta kinda tied into my dog gay-bashing post.

It turns out, YouTube had to pull down the video of the puppy being thrown off of the cliff, because mofos were going wild in the comments section, threatening to kill the guy, and posting his personal information and what have you.

Or maybe, I suspect, someone with the military told them to take it down, for PR purposes.

At any rate, if you need to check out the video now, because you missed it the first time, or because you want to see it again because you find it amusing, because women refuse to have sex with you (and of course a woman's ego requires those two to be mutually exclusive), the best place to check it out is the Gawker Media site Valleywag, where it's posted along with five other clips of our best and brightest behaving badly.

You'll recall that it was also Gawker who posted that Tom Cruise $cientology video after it mysteriously disappeared from YouTube, and that clip of the infamous Slap Heard 'Round the World that somehow never made it to YouTube, even though there's a seemingly infinite amount of clips of other inconsequential bullshit on YouTube. So I guess they're building some sort of cottage industry based on how lame YouTube has gotten.

Finally, I'd like to address some issues raised in my previous post about that poor dog who got tossed from a cliff. A few of you were highly upset, and I know at least one of you has threatened to never read this site again.

Now, you guys know that I have a tendency to purposely afflict the weakest among us; and that I often go out of my way to stomp on people's beliefs; and that I possess seemingly little or no regard for this site's readership. I'll often just up and disappear for days at a time, almost as if I don't have any real business interest in seeing that this site maintains a certain readership.

But, please, people, don't leave. I apologize for what I said about finding that puppy tossing video somewhat amusing. In fact, if I would have known that people would be offended, I wouldn't have even said it in the first place. I just can't handle the fact that people whose views differ from my own might actually find some place else on the Internets where they're more welcome.

Like PerezHilton.com.

R. Kelly is not to be toyed with

This new R. Kelly dis track going at Ne-Yo isn't as good as it could be for a few reasons.

First of all, how do you make a dis track going at Ne-Yo and not mention the fact that he's a fruit? That seems almost too obvious, even for someone who's functionally illiterate. Or maybe it's because, since lord knows R. Kelly has his share of sexual hangups, he just wouldn't feel right mentioning someone else's. Hmm...

Also, if I never hear another one of these damn AutoTune records again in my life, it'll be too soon. It seems especially unfortunate here, in that R. Kelly can sing well-enough without his microphone being plugged into a computer. He didn't need AutoTune on any of his numerous other (often unintentionally hilarious) hits, so why start now?

Finally, I'm assuming this is one of those package deals, a la Jay-Z's "Lost Ones," in which each verse addresses a different individual, though I'm at a loss for who this song's other two verses are about. (And I should note that I don't know for a fact that the first verse is about Ne-Yo, I just read that somewhere.)

Otherwise though, this shit's pretty amusing, in a "Real Talk"/"Trapped in the Closet" sort of way. Hopefully, his next album is nothing but these songs where he goes off on people in song form.

Checkit: R. Kelly "I'm a Beast" [zShare]

UPDATE: After the jump is what might be the greatest live performance evar, courtesy of who else but R. Kelly.

Snoop Dogg - Ego Trippin': Album Review

Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin' (Geffen, 2008)
This, the ninth Snoop Dogg album, wasn't gonna have any guests, just Snoop Dogg. Hence the title. But Snoop probably smoked a shiteload of weed and forgot what he was doing. It was probably for the best though, since you'd have to be from California to think Snoop is that good of a rapper. Plus, could there have been a "Sexual Eruption" without Snoop's heroic weed consumption? Nullus.

• Snoop Dogg @ MySpace

The canine equivalent of Abu Ghraib