ByronCrawford.com

The Real World: Sydney - Episode 5: Episode Summary

Based on the previews, it looks like all that's gonna happen this week is that KellyAnne is gonna pretend she likes Cohutta (heh), maybe in an attempt to make Dunbar jealous. You'll recall that Dunbar has been hesitant to get busy with KellyAnne so far, because he's got some trim back home.

The episode begins with KellyAnne getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself. She goes over to Dunbar, so he can notice that she's naked except for the towel, and they flirt for a bit. Parisa, who's in the other room looking on in anger, laments that Dunbar claims he's in this committed relationship, but he gets all goofy when KellyAnne is around. Well... of course he does!

Later, Dunbar has a talk with Parisa, who's probably on the Internets providing material support to this country's enemies. According to Dunbar, she's not the best-looking girl in the house, but she is interesting. Damn. She sits there and pretends not to be upset, but you can tell her world has just been crushed, like the deaf broad in In the Company of Men, for my late '90s heads.

Curtis and Graduation snippets

About 30 seconds of each track from each album. (via)

Graduation

Curtis

The Toyota Camry of Death

Wanna hear an awful story?

Well, the other day, this woman left her six month-old baby in the back seat of a Toyota Camry, when it was like 95 degrees outside, and it ended up burning up. They did tests on the car afterwards and they said it was about 127 degrees inside, but that was after people busted the windows out and shit. At the time the baby died, it could've been over 140 degrees in there.

I know... I told you it was an awful story.

According to a report in the Post-Dispatch the other day, the baby's mother was late for a meeting at work and didn't have time to drop it off a the sitter's. So she parked the car, with the baby in it, outside her job at the hospital. Then she called the baby's father and told him he needed to pick up the baby and take it to the sitter's.

Apparently, the baby's father didn't realize what was going on (and I'm sure it would have been unfathomable to him anyway), but he ended up taking his sweet little time getting over there. I can't remember what time it was when the woman left the baby in the car, but it was after noon by the time he got there.

In the meantime, some passers by realized what was going on and tried to bust the car's windows out in order to save the baby, but it was already too late. I'm not sure how long a six month-old baby can last in a car that's 140 degrees, but however long that is, the baby was in there longer than that. So the baby ended up dying.

Last I heard is that the police are still investigating and have yet to decide whether either of the parents will be charged with anything. This sort of thing has actually been happening fairly often ever since they made it illegal to let your baby ride in the front seat with you, lest it get knocked right the fuck out by an air bag. Parents are only actually convicted of a crime about half the time, and even then it's the rare occasion they actually do any time.

So maybe these poor bastards are gonna get lucky and won't have to go to jail or anything. Lord knows they've already suffered enough, what with their six month-old baby burning to death in a car that was damn near hot enough to cook a White Castle (remember, I hold a certificate in food safety - it's one of my life's few achievements).

But that's not my concern here. My real concern is... come on, let's face it, this was all the woman's fault! I mean, I'm sure it's important for the guy to put on a united front here and not put the woman through any more grief than she's already going through; but I'm sure in the back of his mind he's thinking, "Damn, this insane beeyotch just burned the fuck out of my baby with a Toyota Camry!"

If I was him, I can't say for certain that I wouldn't pull a P. Diddy and try to get a separate lawyer for myself, but then you 'bags know I'm a heartless bastard like that. Still, I think it's obvious to anyone who looks at this case that this was the work of a single individual and not a group effort. Shit, for all I know, there could be a baby burning to death in the back of my van as we "speak," but obviously it's not my fault if I'm not the one who put it there.

Checkit: Baby's parents don't blame each other, lawyer says

King of the White Girls

Here's Polow Da Don, the genius who produced that song "Throw Some Ds," in an interview that ran at AllHipHop yesterday.

AllHipHop.com: Now, you call yourself the “King of All White Girls.” Elaborate on that for me.

Polow Da Don: Just the “King of the White Girls.” I ain’t self proclaimed but I run with it. [Laughs] There was a stage in my life where I went crazy with dating white women. I have nothing against black women, but they’re raised differently. White women are raised to respect and serve their men. Black women are taught to question [their men]. Black women look at submission as being weak. White women look at submission as being a woman. And anyone who has a problem with this statement is ignorant. Just look at the divine order; it goes man, woman, child.

Checkit: Polow Da Don: The Truth and Nothing But (via)

UPDATE: After the jump is a video of a fight that took place during the Wu-Tang Clan set at Rock the Bells in Chicago the other day. Apparently, as the Wu were preparing to do "Bring da Ruckus," some cracka-ass cracka started shouting, Fuck Wu-Tang!" and "Where's your brother Ol' Dirty?" to Method Man. So of course Meth had to hop down into the crowd and regulate. Notice how the crowd throws up their Ws and starts chanting Wu-Tang during the beatdown. That's creepy!

Live: Kanye's Bullshit Charity Concert

So the other day Kanye West threw some sort of BS charity concert in his native Chicago. I believe it had something to do with education, though Kanye himself famously dropped out of school and has spent the entirety of his career mocking those who have chosen otherwise. My Chi-town Bureau Chief AB was in the building and filed the following report.

So I didn't hear about this Kanye West Foundation show at the House of Blues in Chicago until Tuesday of this week and by this point it was already sold out. I really didn't care too much as I had cooled on Kanye over the last few years. I loved College Dropout, but I thought he became completely batshit once Late Registration came out and lost touch with reality.

But then I figured this concert is in his hometown of Chicago, three weeks before, arguably, the biggest CD of his career drops (plus the H.O.B. is a great place for a show). I figured this would be a show to see. I was right.

I made a few phone calls and luckily secured some tickets.

Next door, at the Sax Hotel, they were holding a silent auction where Kanye and his Mom were auctioning off Kanye memorabilia and other junk for people willing to spend thousands of dollars to combat the High School dropout rate.

Whatever.

We got into the venue and were treated to the sounds of DJ Mano and "Hollywood" Hov. I had actually seen these guys open up for the Cool Kids show earlier in the week. I must admit Mano is a great DJ and Hollywood Hov did a good job keeping the crowd hype. However, the natives began getting restless and booing ol' Hollywood. People were ready for Kanye. I guess I could write a story about the crowd, due to the fact that this wasn't a crowd you'd expect to see at a rap concert. The tickets were $125 and up, so you get the idea.

Bring on the weed carriers!!!

But not just ordinary weed carriers, these were the GOOD Music weed carriers.

We were first treated to spoken word courtesy of Malik Yusef. No thank you. Thank god it was only for about 10 minutes. He did bring up Curtis and asked who was going to purchase the album. The crowd began chanting "Fuck 50 Cent". I didn't participate because that's just retarded.

Then out came Really Doe. Now, I really liked his verse on "We Major" but not so much the song that was on Kanyeeze's "Can't Tell Ne Nothin" mixtape. He only played the latter. As he was about to play his last song, presumably "We Major" he was yanked off stage. It was actually very funny...but not for Mr. Really Doe.

Up next was one of Kanye's most loyal weed carriers, GLC. Oh boy! He played a handful of songs I've never heard, including one with Three Six Mafia that uses an interpretation of "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands". None of his songs had the "Good Music Sound" of Kanye or Common, it sounded more like the Crank Dat guy. Kick rocks.

Then out of nowhere appears David Allen Grier (yes, that David Allen Grier) and some chick from Access Hollywood to announce that Kanye was coming and thanking everyone for participating. All I keep thinking about was Clavelle from Funky Finger Productions (word to In Living Color).

Then out of nowhere Mos Def appears. Yo!! The crowd goes wild. I heard a chick behind me go "Who's that?"...."oh the guy from Italian Job". Sure. He asks if we're ready for Kanye and then he disappears backstage.

Women should be treated as if they were men

According to Last Week's Poll
A while after I posted last week's poll, it occurred to me that the results might be a bit skewed, in the sense that, according to the law, you have to treat women the same way you treat men, at least while you're at work.

Of course when you're in the comfort of your own home it's more of an anything goes atmosphere, provided the neighbors can't hear. But still, you have to wonder how many men who voted yes would vote otherwise if a man was free to live his life the way he chooses.

For example, I'm sure if I ran a poll on whether or not guys should bang girls who are 16 years old (and granted I think I did once), plenty of guys would also check no. But what if that shit was legal and not particularly frowned upon, as it is in many places?

At any rate, last week's poll had to do with whether or not women should be treated equal as men, whatever that means. (It might be time for me to go back to middle school.)

The results:

Should women be treated equal as men?

1. Yes (206 votes)
2. No (195 votes)

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised the results of this one came out as even as they did. I figured more people would vote no, because I know more guys read this site than girls (what's the matter, ladies?) and I'm assuming it's a natural tendency among guys to want to treat women differently, whether that works out in a woman's favor or not.

For example, though it's generally not in my nature to resort to physical violence as long as there's any other option, including turning around and walking away at a swift pace (which has saved my ass plenty of times), there's definitely been times when I had to put my shoe on another guy. But so far I've been able to refrain from pulling a Kevin Powell on a broad. What can I say? That's just the kind of guy I am.

In that sense, you have to wonder: what do these people who voted yes really mean? Certainly they aren't in favor of women getting beat the fuck up as if they were men, or thrown in prison at the same rate as men, or preyed upon for what little money they have left these days as if they were men. If that's the case, then I don't think you can say you're in favor of women being treated equal as men.

Kanye West: Not really gay

Kanye's interior decorator writes:

The gay man speaks.

I was just looking up Kanye West + Interior Design Magazine (August-Art Isssue) and I run across your November 21, 2005 post...

Wow! This is the kind of ignorance that continues to escalate the HIV infection rate among African American, Black American and Black Women in these United States..

Further... Yes, I traveled to and from Kanye's NY and LA residences during this time and "dude" let me tell you Kanye is SOO not gay... you might want to get your stories straight!

The very best to you,
Don Stewart

Asian kids brutally injured by a toy

Speaking of the Asian community, I was checking my email just now and I came across this story about how mad Japanese kids have been getting fucked the fuck up by an arm wrestling machine called "Arm Spirit," one of these bizarre arcade games that they have just like in that movie Lost in Translation.

The idea is that you pump some quarters into this machine and then you can challenge it in arm wrestling. Because I guess the kids over there are too lonely to arm wrestle one another. Apparently they're also too weak to play this game, since quite a few of them have had their arms broken by this machine.

Some bizarre details on the game, according to the CNN story:

Players of "Arm Spirit" advance through 10 levels, battling a French maid, drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua before reaching the final showdown with a professional wrestler.

Now, I could appreciate if this was some design flaw in the machine that was causing so many kids to get their shit mangled, especially in a summer when there appears to be an epidemic of kids being thrown from roller coasters, not to mention poisoned by toothpaste, but no. Apparently that isn't the case.

According to a spokesperson from the company that makes Arm Spirit:

"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said Atlus spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama, calling the recall "a precaution."

Damn.

Obviously they were a bit too optimistic in their estimation, no?

Checkit: Broken arms cause games recall [CNN]

The Real World: Sydney - Episode 4: Episode Summary

Tonight's episode begins with the group down on the beach. Dunbar is rubbing sun tan lotion on Parisa, though I'm not sure if there's any specific danger of Arab broads peeling like white chicks. I doubt it would matter to her one way or the other.

Dunbar, in a confessional, seems pretty clear about the fact that he's just leading her on for his own personal amusement. That bastard. Not that I haven't been guilty of doing that to broads every once in a while. Later on, in a bar, she tries to come on to him, to no avail.

The next day or whatever, Isaac, Dunbar and Cohutta head down to Chinatown to look for some pussy. Dunbar and Cohutta dress up like the guys who raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Isaac ends up getting a number from the first black chick he sees, who turns out to be from Ireland.

In another scene, there's some friction between Dunbar and Parisa having to do with him standing on some stairs or some such where he wasn't allowed, becuase it's private property. And there's some great gratuitous footage of Shauvon the Closet Beaner in a deep-cut blouse.

Back at the house, Dunbar explains to KellyAnne that he never liked Parisa in the first place (as if) and now he's going to make that as obvious as possible by not being as nice to her. Then the two of them flirt to the sweet sounds of that "You Used to Be My Romeo" song. It was a total '90s flashback.

On a night when the whole group is headed out to a bar, there's some friction having to do with the girls taking to long to get ready. Dunbar is especially upset and takes it out on Parisa, who I'm sure he holds personally responsible for 9/11.

At the bar, Isaac runs into his Irish black chick, who doesn't strike me as being all that black. They're there for all of five minutes before he suggests they get out of there. There's a brief shot of the two of them making out in the hot tub. She may or may not have been topless. Then they went off somewhere to fuck.

I think KellyAnne caught drift of the fact that Isaac was about to score and decided to wake Dunbar up so that she could "make out" with him. This would so be his chance to get some stank, not to mention finally drive Parisa over the edge, but, alas, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

At lunch the next day, Parisa brings up the fact that Dunbar treats her different than everyone else does. Dunbar's excuse is that it's out of respect, or something. Parisa replies that she's going to write him a letter. Wow, this could be a trainwreck.

As she's working on it, she reads from it to Shauvon the Closet Beaner, who's in the hot tub with a bath towel wrapped around her massive boobs. Of course Shauvon is jealous of KellyAnne, too, so she's going to side with Parisa.

So Dunbar reads the letter and relays the contents of it to KellyAnne, who's in the bed with him, wearing some of Cohutta's overalls and a sports bra. The gist of it, from what I could gather, is that Parisa would do pretty much anything to have sex with him.

NEXT WEEK: KellyAnne sits on Cohutta's lap in the cofessional, but probably doesn't actually fuck anyone.

The Gallagher Too of Rap

A reader writes:

I'm not sure if MF Doom is your cup of tea or not. But I thought you might be interested to learn that he's been sending impostors in his place to "perform" (read: lip sync) at some recent shows.

Last week, I was in San Francisco visiting friends, and thought it could be fun to catch the MF Doom show on 8/15 at the Independent. We were ushered in, and given stated instructions from the door man that pictures - even camera phones - were strictly prohibited, and anyone caught taking pictures would be ejected. I know that's policy at a lot of venues, but I've never been verbally warned before. After clenching my teeth through a gawd-awful set from spastic, Slug-derivative Pigeon John, the crowd was treated to about 2 hours of some wack-ass DJ. At some point, an announcement was made, reiterating that absolutely no pictures were allowed at this show, and that violators would be ejected.

Eventually, a bunch of hype men came on stage, while one of the songs off DangerMouse played. Out comes "Doom" looking about 100 pounds lighter than he has ever looked in a picture or video. I've never seen him live, however, so I thought that maybe he had just lost a lot of weight. His mic was turned way down low, and you couldn't hear his voice, and there was no crowd interaction between songs. Just this skinny "Doom", holding the mic real close to his face, and a bunch of hype men on the sides. 20 minutes later, it was all over. Huh?

I was pissed that I had just witnessed the worst show I've seen in my 29 years on this planet. However, it still hadn't dawned on me that I had just been played, until I heard some kid outside the club wondering if that was really even Daniel Dumile.

A quick look around the intertubes (see below) finds others who claim that this wasn't the real Doom. Furthermore, it sounds like he had pulled the same stunt a few nights prior at the El Rey in LA. He was a no-show for his Thursday night show in San Francisco, and also missed his Rock the Bells performance in SF.

Clearly, I'm none too happy, although I can see how d-bags like yourself might find it funny. I've yet to contact the Independent to see what their story is. But this was certainly something I think is newsworthy. I don't want others to drop $40 to go see some skinny-ass impostor lip sync Doom songs for 20 minutes like I did.

Here are some links to others (more or less) backing my story:

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown/2007/08/mf_doom_fucks_sf_wtf_went_down.php
http://www.calendarlive.com/music/571196,0,6883666.event
http://dojothemouse.livejournal.com/216669.html
http://forums.undergroundhiphop.com/readpost.asp?Forum=Common&Whichpage=1&QuestionID=1868749
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/tix/400995903.html
http://www.netscape.com/viewstory/2007/08/19/mf-doom-having-an-inposter-lip-sync-in-san-francisco/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.soulstrut.com%2Fubbthreads%2Fshowflat.php%3FCat%3D0%26Number%3D932807%26an%3D0%26page%3D0%23Post932807&frame=true