ByronCrawford.com

The Real World: Sydney - Episode 5: Episode Summary

Based on the previews, it looks like all that's gonna happen this week is that KellyAnne is gonna pretend she likes Cohutta (heh), maybe in an attempt to make Dunbar jealous. You'll recall that Dunbar has been hesitant to get busy with KellyAnne so far, because he's got some trim back home.

The episode begins with KellyAnne getting out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself. She goes over to Dunbar, so he can notice that she's naked except for the towel, and they flirt for a bit. Parisa, who's in the other room looking on in anger, laments that Dunbar claims he's in this committed relationship, but he gets all goofy when KellyAnne is around. Well... of course he does!

Later, Dunbar has a talk with Parisa, who's probably on the Internets providing material support to this country's enemies. According to Dunbar, she's not the best-looking girl in the house, but she is interesting. Damn. She sits there and pretends not to be upset, but you can tell her world has just been crushed, like the deaf broad in In the Company of Men, for my late '90s heads.

Curtis and Graduation snippets

About 30 seconds of each track from each album. (via)

Graduation

Curtis

The Toyota Camry of Death

Wanna hear an awful story?

Well, the other day, this woman left her six month-old baby in the back seat of a Toyota Camry, when it was like 95 degrees outside, and it ended up burning up. They did tests on the car afterwards and they said it was about 127 degrees inside, but that was after people busted the windows out and shit. At the time the baby died, it could've been over 140 degrees in there.

I know... I told you it was an awful story.

According to a report in the Post-Dispatch the other day, the baby's mother was late for a meeting at work and didn't have time to drop it off a the sitter's. So she parked the car, with the baby in it, outside her job at the hospital. Then she called the baby's father and told him he needed to pick up the baby and take it to the sitter's.

Apparently, the baby's father didn't realize what was going on (and I'm sure it would have been unfathomable to him anyway), but he ended up taking his sweet little time getting over there. I can't remember what time it was when the woman left the baby in the car, but it was after noon by the time he got there.

In the meantime, some passers by realized what was going on and tried to bust the car's windows out in order to save the baby, but it was already too late. I'm not sure how long a six month-old baby can last in a car that's 140 degrees, but however long that is, the baby was in there longer than that. So the baby ended up dying.

Last I heard is that the police are still investigating and have yet to decide whether either of the parents will be charged with anything. This sort of thing has actually been happening fairly often ever since they made it illegal to let your baby ride in the front seat with you, lest it get knocked right the fuck out by an air bag. Parents are only actually convicted of a crime about half the time, and even then it's the rare occasion they actually do any time.

So maybe these poor bastards are gonna get lucky and won't have to go to jail or anything. Lord knows they've already suffered enough, what with their six month-old baby burning to death in a car that was damn near hot enough to cook a White Castle (remember, I hold a certificate in food safety - it's one of my life's few achievements).

But that's not my concern here. My real concern is... come on, let's face it, this was all the woman's fault! I mean, I'm sure it's important for the guy to put on a united front here and not put the woman through any more grief than she's already going through; but I'm sure in the back of his mind he's thinking, "Damn, this insane beeyotch just burned the fuck out of my baby with a Toyota Camry!"

If I was him, I can't say for certain that I wouldn't pull a P. Diddy and try to get a separate lawyer for myself, but then you 'bags know I'm a heartless bastard like that. Still, I think it's obvious to anyone who looks at this case that this was the work of a single individual and not a group effort. Shit, for all I know, there could be a baby burning to death in the back of my van as we "speak," but obviously it's not my fault if I'm not the one who put it there.

Checkit: Baby's parents don't blame each other, lawyer says

King of the White Girls

Here's Polow Da Don, the genius who produced that song "Throw Some Ds," in an interview that ran at AllHipHop yesterday.

AllHipHop.com: Now, you call yourself the “King of All White Girls.” Elaborate on that for me.

Polow Da Don: Just the “King of the White Girls.” I ain’t self proclaimed but I run with it. [Laughs] There was a stage in my life where I went crazy with dating white women. I have nothing against black women, but they’re raised differently. White women are raised to respect and serve their men. Black women are taught to question [their men]. Black women look at submission as being weak. White women look at submission as being a woman. And anyone who has a problem with this statement is ignorant. Just look at the divine order; it goes man, woman, child.

Checkit: Polow Da Don: The Truth and Nothing But (via)

UPDATE: After the jump is a video of a fight that took place during the Wu-Tang Clan set at Rock the Bells in Chicago the other day. Apparently, as the Wu were preparing to do "Bring da Ruckus," some cracka-ass cracka started shouting, Fuck Wu-Tang!" and "Where's your brother Ol' Dirty?" to Method Man. So of course Meth had to hop down into the crowd and regulate. Notice how the crowd throws up their Ws and starts chanting Wu-Tang during the beatdown. That's creepy!

Live: Kanye's Bullshit Charity Concert

So the other day Kanye West threw some sort of BS charity concert in his native Chicago. I believe it had something to do with education, though Kanye himself famously dropped out of school and has spent the entirety of his career mocking those who have chosen otherwise. My Chi-town Bureau Chief AB was in the building and filed the following report.

So I didn't hear about this Kanye West Foundation show at the House of Blues in Chicago until Tuesday of this week and by this point it was already sold out. I really didn't care too much as I had cooled on Kanye over the last few years. I loved College Dropout, but I thought he became completely batshit once Late Registration came out and lost touch with reality.

But then I figured this concert is in his hometown of Chicago, three weeks before, arguably, the biggest CD of his career drops (plus the H.O.B. is a great place for a show). I figured this would be a show to see. I was right.

I made a few phone calls and luckily secured some tickets.

Next door, at the Sax Hotel, they were holding a silent auction where Kanye and his Mom were auctioning off Kanye memorabilia and other junk for people willing to spend thousands of dollars to combat the High School dropout rate.

Whatever.

We got into the venue and were treated to the sounds of DJ Mano and "Hollywood" Hov. I had actually seen these guys open up for the Cool Kids show earlier in the week. I must admit Mano is a great DJ and Hollywood Hov did a good job keeping the crowd hype. However, the natives began getting restless and booing ol' Hollywood. People were ready for Kanye. I guess I could write a story about the crowd, due to the fact that this wasn't a crowd you'd expect to see at a rap concert. The tickets were $125 and up, so you get the idea.

Bring on the weed carriers!!!

But not just ordinary weed carriers, these were the GOOD Music weed carriers.

We were first treated to spoken word courtesy of Malik Yusef. No thank you. Thank god it was only for about 10 minutes. He did bring up Curtis and asked who was going to purchase the album. The crowd began chanting "Fuck 50 Cent". I didn't participate because that's just retarded.

Then out came Really Doe. Now, I really liked his verse on "We Major" but not so much the song that was on Kanyeeze's "Can't Tell Ne Nothin" mixtape. He only played the latter. As he was about to play his last song, presumably "We Major" he was yanked off stage. It was actually very funny...but not for Mr. Really Doe.

Up next was one of Kanye's most loyal weed carriers, GLC. Oh boy! He played a handful of songs I've never heard, including one with Three Six Mafia that uses an interpretation of "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands". None of his songs had the "Good Music Sound" of Kanye or Common, it sounded more like the Crank Dat guy. Kick rocks.

Then out of nowhere appears David Allen Grier (yes, that David Allen Grier) and some chick from Access Hollywood to announce that Kanye was coming and thanking everyone for participating. All I keep thinking about was Clavelle from Funky Finger Productions (word to In Living Color).

Then out of nowhere Mos Def appears. Yo!! The crowd goes wild. I heard a chick behind me go "Who's that?"...."oh the guy from Italian Job". Sure. He asks if we're ready for Kanye and then he disappears backstage.

Women should be treated as if they were men

According to Last Week's Poll
A while after I posted last week's poll, it occurred to me that the results might be a bit skewed, in the sense that, according to the law, you have to treat women the same way you treat men, at least while you're at work.

Of course when you're in the comfort of your own home it's more of an anything goes atmosphere, provided the neighbors can't hear. But still, you have to wonder how many men who voted yes would vote otherwise if a man was free to live his life the way he chooses.

For example, I'm sure if I ran a poll on whether or not guys should bang girls who are 16 years old (and granted I think I did once), plenty of guys would also check no. But what if that shit was legal and not particularly frowned upon, as it is in many places?

At any rate, last week's poll had to do with whether or not women should be treated equal as men, whatever that means. (It might be time for me to go back to middle school.)

The results:

Should women be treated equal as men?

1. Yes (206 votes)
2. No (195 votes)

To tell you the truth, I'm surprised the results of this one came out as even as they did. I figured more people would vote no, because I know more guys read this site than girls (what's the matter, ladies?) and I'm assuming it's a natural tendency among guys to want to treat women differently, whether that works out in a woman's favor or not.

For example, though it's generally not in my nature to resort to physical violence as long as there's any other option, including turning around and walking away at a swift pace (which has saved my ass plenty of times), there's definitely been times when I had to put my shoe on another guy. But so far I've been able to refrain from pulling a Kevin Powell on a broad. What can I say? That's just the kind of guy I am.

In that sense, you have to wonder: what do these people who voted yes really mean? Certainly they aren't in favor of women getting beat the fuck up as if they were men, or thrown in prison at the same rate as men, or preyed upon for what little money they have left these days as if they were men. If that's the case, then I don't think you can say you're in favor of women being treated equal as men.

Kanye West: Not really gay

Kanye's interior decorator writes:

The gay man speaks.

I was just looking up Kanye West + Interior Design Magazine (August-Art Isssue) and I run across your November 21, 2005 post...

Wow! This is the kind of ignorance that continues to escalate the HIV infection rate among African American, Black American and Black Women in these United States..

Further... Yes, I traveled to and from Kanye's NY and LA residences during this time and "dude" let me tell you Kanye is SOO not gay... you might want to get your stories straight!

The very best to you,
Don Stewart

Asian kids brutally injured by a toy

Speaking of the Asian community, I was checking my email just now and I came across this story about how mad Japanese kids have been getting fucked the fuck up by an arm wrestling machine called "Arm Spirit," one of these bizarre arcade games that they have just like in that movie Lost in Translation.

The idea is that you pump some quarters into this machine and then you can challenge it in arm wrestling. Because I guess the kids over there are too lonely to arm wrestle one another. Apparently they're also too weak to play this game, since quite a few of them have had their arms broken by this machine.

Some bizarre details on the game, according to the CNN story:

Players of "Arm Spirit" advance through 10 levels, battling a French maid, drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua before reaching the final showdown with a professional wrestler.

Now, I could appreciate if this was some design flaw in the machine that was causing so many kids to get their shit mangled, especially in a summer when there appears to be an epidemic of kids being thrown from roller coasters, not to mention poisoned by toothpaste, but no. Apparently that isn't the case.

According to a spokesperson from the company that makes Arm Spirit:

"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," said Atlus spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama, calling the recall "a precaution."

Damn.

Obviously they were a bit too optimistic in their estimation, no?

Checkit: Broken arms cause games recall [CNN]

The Real World: Sydney - Episode 4: Episode Summary

Tonight's episode begins with the group down on the beach. Dunbar is rubbing sun tan lotion on Parisa, though I'm not sure if there's any specific danger of Arab broads peeling like white chicks. I doubt it would matter to her one way or the other.

Dunbar, in a confessional, seems pretty clear about the fact that he's just leading her on for his own personal amusement. That bastard. Not that I haven't been guilty of doing that to broads every once in a while. Later on, in a bar, she tries to come on to him, to no avail.

The next day or whatever, Isaac, Dunbar and Cohutta head down to Chinatown to look for some pussy. Dunbar and Cohutta dress up like the guys who raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Isaac ends up getting a number from the first black chick he sees, who turns out to be from Ireland.

In another scene, there's some friction between Dunbar and Parisa having to do with him standing on some stairs or some such where he wasn't allowed, becuase it's private property. And there's some great gratuitous footage of Shauvon the Closet Beaner in a deep-cut blouse.

Back at the house, Dunbar explains to KellyAnne that he never liked Parisa in the first place (as if) and now he's going to make that as obvious as possible by not being as nice to her. Then the two of them flirt to the sweet sounds of that "You Used to Be My Romeo" song. It was a total '90s flashback.

On a night when the whole group is headed out to a bar, there's some friction having to do with the girls taking to long to get ready. Dunbar is especially upset and takes it out on Parisa, who I'm sure he holds personally responsible for 9/11.

At the bar, Isaac runs into his Irish black chick, who doesn't strike me as being all that black. They're there for all of five minutes before he suggests they get out of there. There's a brief shot of the two of them making out in the hot tub. She may or may not have been topless. Then they went off somewhere to fuck.

I think KellyAnne caught drift of the fact that Isaac was about to score and decided to wake Dunbar up so that she could "make out" with him. This would so be his chance to get some stank, not to mention finally drive Parisa over the edge, but, alas, it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

At lunch the next day, Parisa brings up the fact that Dunbar treats her different than everyone else does. Dunbar's excuse is that it's out of respect, or something. Parisa replies that she's going to write him a letter. Wow, this could be a trainwreck.

As she's working on it, she reads from it to Shauvon the Closet Beaner, who's in the hot tub with a bath towel wrapped around her massive boobs. Of course Shauvon is jealous of KellyAnne, too, so she's going to side with Parisa.

So Dunbar reads the letter and relays the contents of it to KellyAnne, who's in the bed with him, wearing some of Cohutta's overalls and a sports bra. The gist of it, from what I could gather, is that Parisa would do pretty much anything to have sex with him.

NEXT WEEK: KellyAnne sits on Cohutta's lap in the cofessional, but probably doesn't actually fuck anyone.

The Gallagher Too of Rap

A reader writes:

I'm not sure if MF Doom is your cup of tea or not. But I thought you might be interested to learn that he's been sending impostors in his place to "perform" (read: lip sync) at some recent shows.

Last week, I was in San Francisco visiting friends, and thought it could be fun to catch the MF Doom show on 8/15 at the Independent. We were ushered in, and given stated instructions from the door man that pictures - even camera phones - were strictly prohibited, and anyone caught taking pictures would be ejected. I know that's policy at a lot of venues, but I've never been verbally warned before. After clenching my teeth through a gawd-awful set from spastic, Slug-derivative Pigeon John, the crowd was treated to about 2 hours of some wack-ass DJ. At some point, an announcement was made, reiterating that absolutely no pictures were allowed at this show, and that violators would be ejected.

Eventually, a bunch of hype men came on stage, while one of the songs off DangerMouse played. Out comes "Doom" looking about 100 pounds lighter than he has ever looked in a picture or video. I've never seen him live, however, so I thought that maybe he had just lost a lot of weight. His mic was turned way down low, and you couldn't hear his voice, and there was no crowd interaction between songs. Just this skinny "Doom", holding the mic real close to his face, and a bunch of hype men on the sides. 20 minutes later, it was all over. Huh?

I was pissed that I had just witnessed the worst show I've seen in my 29 years on this planet. However, it still hadn't dawned on me that I had just been played, until I heard some kid outside the club wondering if that was really even Daniel Dumile.

A quick look around the intertubes (see below) finds others who claim that this wasn't the real Doom. Furthermore, it sounds like he had pulled the same stunt a few nights prior at the El Rey in LA. He was a no-show for his Thursday night show in San Francisco, and also missed his Rock the Bells performance in SF.

Clearly, I'm none too happy, although I can see how d-bags like yourself might find it funny. I've yet to contact the Independent to see what their story is. But this was certainly something I think is newsworthy. I don't want others to drop $40 to go see some skinny-ass impostor lip sync Doom songs for 20 minutes like I did.

Here are some links to others (more or less) backing my story:

http://blogs.sfweekly.com/shookdown/2007/08/mf_doom_fucks_sf_wtf_went_down.php
http://www.calendarlive.com/music/571196,0,6883666.event
http://dojothemouse.livejournal.com/216669.html
http://forums.undergroundhiphop.com/readpost.asp?Forum=Common&Whichpage=1&QuestionID=1868749
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/tix/400995903.html
http://www.netscape.com/viewstory/2007/08/19/mf-doom-having-an-inposter-lip-sync-in-san-francisco/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.soulstrut.com%2Fubbthreads%2Fshowflat.php%3FCat%3D0%26Number%3D932807%26an%3D0%26page%3D0%23Post932807&frame=true

Should McDonalds employees have to speak English?

Perhaps this is a tacit admission of just how "racist" I am, but I didn't catch this on the Real World the other day. Apparently Trisha, the one white chick I'm not as crazy about went into a McDonalds and tried to order a McFlurry, but couldn't because the woman behind the counter couldn't speak English.

I can't claim to have ever tried a McFlurry here in the best country evar or otherwise, but I guess down in Australia McDonalds carries some shit called a Crunchie McFlurry. Trisha figured she might try one, but she wanted to sample it first, because she wasn't sure how it would be. Which seems like a reasonable enough request to me. After all, it might have some Vegemite or kangaroo or some shit in it.

She tried asking for a sample, but the woman behind the counter couldn't understand what she was saying. So Trisha was just like, Fuck it. The following is from an account of the incident in the Daily Telegraph, a newspaper in Australia.

While in the fast food store, [Trisha] said: "I'm like, well I'd take the f....n' Crunchie one but I don't know what it tastes like because you wouldn't give me a sample,'' she said.

"I'm like, you know what, keep the money, maybe take some English lessons - I'm leaving cause you don't know how to speak English.''

Damn.

Now the Asian community down in Australia is all pissed, because the woman behind the counter was an Asian, which of course makes Trisha a racist. Nevermind the fact that she didn't mention shit about this woman being an Asian.

What do you 'bags think? People who work at McDonalds should have to know how to speak English, right? Especially if they're the ones taking your order. Also, how is it racist to be upset with someone because they don't know how to speak English? I've heard Australia has its share of race issues. Is this the kind of shit that goes on there?

Checkit: TV producers should take blame for airing racist rant

Jay Eff Kay - America: Suicide Notes Vol. 1: Album Review

Jay Eff Kay, America: Suicide Notes Vol. 1 (2007)
Supposedly, this guy Jay Eff Kay was a big time Wall Street lawyer, but then he quit to become a rapper. My guess is that he may have some personal problems, and he's using his rap career, such as it is, as an excuse. But that's just my arm chair analysis based on a cursory perusal of his MySpace profile.

• http://www.myspace.com/jayeffkay

No one gives a shit about 50 Cent

According to Last Week's Poll
This year, September 11th is looking to be the most traumatic 9/11 since the year crazed Arabs killed all of those people in New York. Both 50 Cent and Kanye West are set to release highly anticipated (by people who wouldn't know from good rap music) new albums. Last week's poll sought to determine which is the most anticipated.

The results:

1. Kanye West - Graduation (336 votes)
2. neither (177 votes)
3. 50 Cent - Curtis (67 votes)

I figured the neither option would do well (it's what I voted for), but I was surprised to see hardly anyone gives a shit about the new 50 Cent album. Not surprised in the sense that anyone with the sense god gave a dead bird should give a shit about the 50 Cent album. I mean, we've already heard like half of it, and so far it pretty much all sucks balls. I'm just saying. The guy's last two albums both sold remarkably well. It'll be interesting to see if Graduation can actually top Curtis in sales its first week out.

The final frontier in science

A ByronCrawford.com Special Report
As much as I consider myself an expert on women (er, at least pr0n), the bulk of my knowledge is confined primarily to white chicks and black chicks. I'll admit that I don't know too much about Arab broads - nor would I care to, generally. But earlier today I came across the new issue of KING magazine, with Kim Kardashian on the cover, and it got me to wondering.

It could be the case that Kim Kardashian, who has one of the most ridonkulous bodies I've seen in a minute (though I find her a bit of a butter face), is par for the course as far as these Arab broads are concerned. Which I suppose would help explain why Arab men prefer that they wear beekeeper suits. Or it could be the case that she's a complete anamoly.

Maybe she's just one of these rare cases where everything (other than a vaguely "mediterranean" look in the face and, probably, a propensity to grow body hair) worked out the way it's supposed to, or maybe her body - ridonkulous as it is - is really just a tribute to the miracle of modern medicine. Personally, I'd rather believe it's the latter. In fact, I'm hoping it is.

Think about it: for all of the things that white women have going for them, both physically and spiritually, the vast majority of them still don't have it going on where it really counts, i.e. you know, in the seat of their pants. A few of them have somehow managed to get lucky, and a few more still can at least kinda front as if they did, but for the rest of them it's just... tragic.

Imagine if doctors came up with a procedure where any old white chick with $7,000 in her savings account could have an ass like Kim Kardashian's, and they perfected it to the point where nine times out of 10 a chick with a fake ass looked way better than a chick with a real ass. Just like with breast implants. As John Bender would say, it would be anarchy!

For all we know, there could already be such a procedure. I'm aware that, for a while now, doctors have been shoving something or other in a woman's rear, but I'm not sure how widespread the procedure ever was. But I know a few weeks ago, even before this new KING was out, there was a cover of some magazine with Jessica Biel, and that shit was just wrong. Coincidence?

To be sure, I can appreciate the awesomeness that is breat implants, which are already, for lack of a better term, fairly abundant. But I can't help but think that boobs are beginning to lose some of their appeal. Nullus. These days, even most broads without breast implants have pretty big cans, just because most women tend to be kinda fat these days. I'm not complaining or anything. I'm just saying.

Like I said, I'm not sure what exactly is going on here. In this video Kim Kardashian claims that there's certain excersizes you can do to help make your ass that much more round. Whatever it is, I can't help but think that the discovery of way a to improve women's asses, the same way that science - as well as the gully American diet - has improved women's boobs, could be the greatest scientific development in our lifetime.

Unless you're teh ghey or something.

The Real World: Sydney - Episode 3: Episode Summary

As I mentioned, Isaac and Shauvon probably would've fucked last week if it wasn't for Cohutta and Parisa standing around outside the confessional like the two losers that they are. So hopefully that's gonna happen this week. Also, based on the previews, it looks like Trisha might be breaking up with her bf back home, so she can do her thing.

And wouldn't you know, the two of them are more or less broken up a minute or so into the episode. I didn't catch what was said in particular, but it looks like Trisha called him up and gave him some shit about not calling her, just to have an excuse to break up with him. Sooner than you can say conniving piece of shit, she's on the phone with some guy named Alex she met a few nights ago.

Alex arrives later that evening, and Trisha makes it a point to note right away that she's single now, in case he wants to spend the night. So the two of them kick it on the couch for a bit, while Isaac and, I believe Cohutta talk shit about how much of a worthless whore she is. Then Trisha and Alex took off somewhere. It's not clear whether the two of them spent the night together or what.

As I recall, Shauvon has got some sort of situation back home, but come on. If that was your girlfriend, you'd have to know that it would only be a matter of time before she had some guy's cock in her mouth. That's just how she operates. She's planning to go out to a club with some people and she tries to get Parisa to go, but she's not having it. No one else seems to want her to go anyway.

Kye and Alex come over, and it looks like them and pretty much everyone, including Parisa, head out somewhere. You can tell Parisa is hot for both of them, even though Alex is there to see Trisha and it looks like Kye has designs on Shauvon. So I guess she decides she's going to drink instead. Pretty much as soon as they get there she's passed out drunk on a table and has to be carried back home.

Back home, Kye and Shavon don't waste any time. They make out on the bed for a bit and then the next thing you know they're under the covers fucking like jackrabbits. Meanwhile, Isaac is in the other room like, Man, I can't believe I made out with that broad the other day, though you have to wonder if he's disappointed that he didn't fuck her when he had the chance. I don't care how inopportune the moment was.

15 minutes later, once Kye is in a cab back home, Shauvon is in the confessional talking about how she "goofed" by "making out" with him. This could jeopardize her situation back home. Um, you think? Similarly, Trisha has a heart to heart with Cohutta, who always seems to be having heartfelt discussions with girls (I guess he's sensitive like that) about the state of the situation with her bf back home Jared.

And then there's a little dust-up between her and Parisa, because she needs to check her email to see how pissed off her bf is with her, but Parisa was using the computer to correspond with her terrorist friends or whatever. Also, Parisa gives her some shit about the state of her relationship with Jared. According to Parisa, Trisha is the most self-centered person evar. She only thinks about herself.

NEXT WEEK: Isaac heads down to Chinatown and meets an aborigine broad.

Brief programming note

So tonight's the night that the second episode of The Real World: Sydney comes on, and of course I'd like to recap it, but I won't be able to because I've got to go to work at the BGM.

The thing is, I don't even think I've had to close on a Wednesday night since the last time The Real World was on. I don't know if it's because they're pissed at me for taking so much time off to go to Rock the Bells and Lolla or what, but obviously those fuckers have been playing games with my schedule. If this continues to be an issue, I might have to just switch my availability for Wednesday nights, but for now I guess I'll just have to wait and catch the rerun tomorrow afternoon.

My bad about this.

The N Word: Book Review

The N Word: Who Can Say It, Who Shouldn't, And Why
by Jabari Asim

I hadn't planned on reading Jabari Asim's The N Word, but I just so happened to stumble upon while I was in a book store the other day and figured what the fuck. I was there looking for a copy of Michael Eric Dyson's silly new Know What I Mean?: Reflections on Hip-Hop, which I reviewed the other day, and I'd spent quite a bit of time looking for it in the music section.

I was about ready to say fuck it and cop something else, but then I figured I'd better check way in the back of the store where they keep most of the rest of the books by black authors. Come to find out, it wasn't even on the shelf with the rest of the books dealing with black issues, but rather on the sociology shelf, right next to all of the books on feminism, which must be where they're keeping all of the black books that aren't written by people who used to be in prison these days.

Not too far from the Dyson book, on the same shelf, was a copy of Asim's The N Word. Of course it caught my eye, because you 'bags know I can't help but be amused with anything contentious having to do with race. And the n-word has been in the news a lot this year, what with the Michael Richards incident, and the thing with Don Imus, and the NAACP trying to bury the dreaded slur once and for all. How serendipitous that a book having to do with usage of the term should be released at a time like this.

If I would've been thinking, I would've picked it up and flipped through it a bit just to make sure it wasn't some bullshit someone threw together, like these Michael Eric Dyson books. With non-fiction books in particular, you can get a pretty good idea of what it's going to be like in just a few minutes. But like I said, I had been in the store for a minute at this point, and I tend to relish anything having to do with racial strife the same way Eskimos enjoy fish. So yeah, I picked up a copy.

I think I may have flipped through some of it that day or the next day, and then I finished it off another day, after I'd spent the four hours it takes to read the Dyson book. I reviewed the Dyson book here on this site and then a few days later I posted about both of them on my Vox blog, where I mentioned that neither of them was particularly worth a shit. Jabari Asim himself must have stumbled upon this post while googling himself, because the other day I got an angry email from him wanting to know why I was so disappointed in his book.

A woman's ego > a dog's life

According to Last Week's Poll
It just so happened that the revelation that Michael Vick had been running a dog fighting ring in his backyard occurred right around the same time that it was announced that R. Kelly would finally go to trial on child pornography charges having to do with that infamous sex tape of his that hit the Internets five or so years ago. Of course I couldn't help but notice that the outrage re: what Michael Vick allegedly did (feigned or otherwise) was way more intense than any outrage that greeted R. Kelly once it was revealed that he liked to bang and then subsequently piss upon (chronologically) underage girls.

I did a post on it for XXL at the time, but I figured it would be interesting to do a poll on it here as well, to finally see what people really think.

The results:

Worse crime?

1. What R. Kelly did (218 votes)
2. What Michael Vick did (156 votes)

I actually figured Michael Vick might do better (er, worse) than he did here, but of course it's going to be difficult to get people to suggest that anything is a worse crime than child rape. The thing is, and the reason why I voted for Vick myself (nullus?), is that who really thought what R. Kelly did was a matter of child rape? I'll spare you rehashing the entire argument other than to note that no one who's seen that video (no boutros) could really think that this girl was being forced to do anything she hadn't already done once or twice, if not... you know, a lot! Those dogs, meanwhile, obviously lacked the cognitive abitlity to decide whether or not they wanted to chew each other's necks open.

***

Speaking of R. Kelly, he recently recorded 10 new chapters to his ridonkulous Trapped in the Closet series. The first one just hit the Internets today. But I guess you people are far too righteous in your moral indignation to be entertained by such a thing.

Here's the link anyway.

And, as usual, there's a new poll up. Vote early and vote often.

Man kicked out of his own house

The Fight for a Man's Rights
Guys, if you think getting married to some broad and buying a house together will at least guarantee you the luxury of sleeping indoors, you might want to think twice.

Last year or maybe the year before (you lose perspective of time when your life's going nowhere) I brought you the story of a guy who went on a sort of man-strike because his wife wouldn't have sex with him. So he spent his days sitting in a lawn chair on his roof listening to the radio next to a sign that said something along the lines of, "On strike until this bitch will have sex with me again."

As a man, it was a tough story to even read, but at least that was voluntary. Steve Graham of Pittsburgh, Kansas, meanwhile, has been living in a car in his own backyard for the past seven years, just because his wife is upset that he can't find a job. Now his neighbors are getting pissed because he's been playing loud music, cursing a lot, and taking a shit in the grass and then lighting it on fire, presumably so as to get rid of it.

Damn.

From a man's rights perspective, I think the key issue here is the fact that both Graham and his wife own this house together. I'm not sure how much he's personally contributed to their collective equity in the home, but the bottom line to me is this: if your name is on the shit, that means it's yours. Can you imagine a similar scenario in which a woman was forced to live in the backyard for seven years? I don't think so, regardless of how much she deserved it.

Beyond that, I just think this goes to show the fucked up state of male-female relations in this country. I can appreciate the fact that this guy's wife is upset that he hasn't been able to make a decent living the way a man's supposed to, but does she really think that forcing him to have to live in their backyard is going to help matters any? The truth of the matter is that many women relish the fact that so many men are having such a hard time these days, and that's why they're constantly trying to pull us down rather than bring us up.

Here's hoping Steve Graham is able to pull things together, so that he can drop that worthless wife of his like a bad habit. If I had the means, I'd give him a job myself just on GP, but of course I don't.

Checkit: Man living in car since '00 upsets city [Yahoo! News]

I am not my current employment status

The Fight for a Man's Rights
Bothersome new trend: these articles, which have sprung up in the wake of the film Something New, in which black women lament the dearth of "marriageable" black men.

It's not like it hurts my feelings or anything (since when is it my goal to be marriageable?), but I do find it unfair. I mean, what's the likelihood of seeing the opposite: an article in which single black men (such as myself!) lament the dearth of available black women who possess the kind of traits a man might find desirable in a woman... like, I don't know, the ability to grow a full, healthy head of hair, or a generally positive outlook on life?

Exactly!

You can check the latest of these articles, which is appearing a good year-plus since the film was last in theaters, on the CNN website. A guy emailed it to me the other day and was like, "Dude, I know you're going to comment on this!" Have I become that predictable? Well, whatever.

'Could Mr. Right be white?' More black women consider 'dating out'

The thing is, since last year there was that story in the New York Times about how more women these days are unmarried than they are married, and how most black women (who are really the ones dragging down the statistics) don't stand a snowball's chance in heck of finding a spouse, "marriageable" or otherwise, and I think that's served as a wake up call to a lot of women; the difference between finally getting married, or dying poor and lonely in the ghetto just like their mothers and their grandmothers before them, could be hitching oneself to a crack-ass cracka.

I guess, to hear the CNN story tell it, they aren't so hard up as to consider an Asian, but the idea of so many black women considering white men as their "safety" does seem rather presumptous, no? Hmm... I've been having a hard time making ends meet myself; maybe I'll just go marry Scarlett Johannsson. Who knows, maybe she's really into underground hip-hop and atheism and... um, the Real World. Stop being so racist.

Here's my thing: Isn't all of this talk about how a black woman can't find a man, because so many black men these days are incapable of holding down a steady, good-paying job, a tacit admission that women are basically whores looking to take a brother for his money? What ever happened to liking a man, and perhaps even marrying him, just because he's a good person?

It's especially ironic when you consider that black women are so quick to play the race card, accusing successful black men of marrying white women because they're viewed as status symbols. You wonder if it ever occurred to them that maybe these women just possess more of the traits men find desirable in women.

Peep this bit from the CNN story:

"I think a lot of black women are realizing or feeling that the pickings are slim," [blogger Evia Moore] said.

They're made even slimmer, grumble many black women, by high rates of successful black men choosing blondes. For some, they argue, white wives are the ultimate status symbol.

"They don't want a dark chocolate sister laying around their swimming pool," Moore said.

So wait, when a brother who has the means goes out and finds himself a snow bunny that's gotta be some sort of race issue, but when a black woman marries a white man because he's got a lot of money that's just normal? Pshaw!

The Real World: Sydney - Season Premiere: Episode Summary

What y'all thought y'all wasn't going to see me? I'm the Osiris of this Real World bloggin' shit! I'm gonna keep on doing it until someone finds me dead on a couch!

*cue awkward silence*

If you find this funny, you're a racist

The cops will be arriving to your house shortly.

Click To Play

Swizz Beatz - One Man Band Man: Album Review

Akuma writes:

Swizz Beatz, One Man Band Man (Full Surface, 2007)
Can this man actually manage to compose a song with more than two notes in it? Truly this man is a melodic retard. Maybe he has the musical version of dyslexia or something.

• http://www.myspace.com/swizzbeatz

Bol does Lollapalooza

But, Sadly, Not Amy Winehouse
As I mentioned the other day, I spent the weekend in Chicago's beautiful Grant Park checking out this year's Lollapalooza. It was a pretty good show. What follows is my account of this weekend's festivities. I tried to keep it as brief as possible, because I know a lot of kids these days suffer from ADD, but I wanted to make sure I at least mentioned all of the acts that I saw, so it's still rather lengthy. My bad.

Janeane Garofalo > Ann Coulter

According to Last Week's Poll
There's a guy, perhaps you've heard of him, named Nonutsbuey who comments on this site fairly often, and if you notice, he's always got something bad to say about Ann Coulter. Like, always. It's almost as if she called La Migra on his family or some shit. Invariably, he seems to have something to say about how she looks like a guy and how you're a fag if you'd have sex with her and so on and so forth.

To be sure, Ann Coulter's got her share of issues with regard to her personal appearance. In particular, she doesn't seem to be aging very well at all, which tends to be the case with white chicks more often than not, unfortunately. As far as the adam's apple thing is concerned, I'm pretty sure that's just her neck. But still, let's face it: most women her age could only hope to look that good.

I thought for certain that if I put her in a poll up against Janeane Garofalo, who's more or less the anti-Ann Coulter, she would walk away with an easy victory. Obviously I was mistaken.

The results:

1. Janeane Garofalo (288 votes)
2. Ann Coulter (143 votes)

As you can see, Janeane Garofalo received about twice as many votes as Ann Coulter, which, even if you adjust for Nonutsbuey voting once a day, which I'm sure he did, just seems hard to believe. I can appreciate the fact that the political views of most of the people who read this site are more along the lines of Janeane Garofalo, but still. There comes a time in your life when you have to put politics aside!

And you have to think that most of the people who voted for Janeane Garofalo were trying to make some sort of political statement against white supremacy - even though, last time I checked both her and Ann Coulter are white. I guess given any two white women, the one who's shorter and chubbier is considered the most black. In that sense, you wonder who would win in a poll between Janeane Garofalo and Serena Williams. God forbid.

That's gonna leave a mark...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Purposely harming a woman physically is just wrong. It's almost indefensible. But accidentally harming a woman physically during sex is hot! Guy's, who among us hasn't fantasized about ruining a woman's hoo-hah because your schlong was just way too big? Sadly, I may never know (I've got my fingers crossed), but you'd have to think that this would be up there with the most fulfilling things a man could experience. Like killing someone for your country, or eating a really good steak.

The reason I bring this up is because I just came across (via my boy TAN) the most hilarious condom advertisement I've seen in ages. I'd describe it, but it's probably best to just check it out for yourself. Hence I've gone and posted it after the jump. I'm not a lawyer specializing in workplace harassment or anything (I was pre-med), but I'd say it's pretty much safe for work, in case you're one of these saps who has to work for a living.

will.i.am - I Got It from My Mama: Track Review

If we get lucky, maybe this new will.i.am single won't catch on and this will be the last we hear of it. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's gonna be huge, and we're gonna be subjected to it, plus any number of other singles from his forthcoming Songs about Girls, ad nauseum this fall and winter. Might as well get used to it. After all, look at how many songs on the charts right now feature guys singing through motherfucking vocoders.

As far as these things go, I'd say this at least as catchy as any of those songs by Fergie (who supplies the chorus here) that were all over the radio earlier this year and has the added benefit of not featuring any of her rappin'. The main synth figure actually reminds me of the kind of shit you'd hear on MTV's The Grind back in the early to mid '90s, which was my shit both for the tunes as well as the tang.

The central idea of "I Got It from My Mama," which is pretty high concept, is that girls with good-looking mothers tend to be good-looking themselves and will likely remain that way until they're upwards of 44 years old (yikes!), if not even older. Which is an idea that I'm sure dates all the way back to cave man times. Indeed, Juvenile had a minor hit with a song that had more or less the same chorus not too long ago.

I guess it's good advice for a guy, especially if you don't have the means to trade up every 10 years or so, which I know is what a lot of guys are looking to do these days. But you have to wonder what's the likelihood of the average brother on the street such as myself scoring one of these permafine broads. I mean obviously if a guy had his choice, he'd go with the best-looking broad possible. In that sense, will.i.am's "advice" is probably not as novel as he'd like to think.

Lollapalooza, anyone?

I know, I just got back from a cracka-ass cracka music festival the other day, and now I'm headed right back out on the road. What can I say? An international player with a financial death wish such as myself has gotta keep things moving.

You can check the line-up for yourself at the Lollapalooza website, but suffice it to say it's pretty stacked with good groups, as well as some jam bands. Which is only right, considering how much this shit costs. It's literally over five times more expensive than Pitchfork.

Any of you d-bags planning on attending? I'll be in town from Friday morning through Monday morning, and I'll be staying at another one of my classy joints out by the airport. Let me know if there's anything cool going on.

And for those of you who could give a rat's ass about any of this, rest assured. After this weekend I may never leave St. Louis again in my life. Things should be back to normal, i.e. ridonkulously half-assed, in no time.

"Forked River, New Jersey... Down South, nigga!"

Second best blog post evar

I wouldn't put it on the same level of Bun B's infamous "Sharks in the Water," but then I think it's fairly widely accepted that Pimp C just plain isn't as talented as Bun B. Who is? Still, this latest post to Pimp C's MySpace blog manages to be more brilliant, in its own way, than anything I'll ever come up with. In case you're wondering what he's talking about here, you might want to check this post. Without further ado:

ATL IS THE SOUTH!!!!!!!!
by Pimp C

TO ALL MY ATLANTA FANS AND FRIENDZ I WANT 2 SAY IM SORRY FOR MY STATMENT N THE OZONE MAG BOUT ATLANTA NOT BEING THE SOUTH! THAT WAS A BULLSHIT STATEMENT! ATL IS AND HAS ALWAYZ BEEN THE DIRTY MTHFKIN SOUTH!!!!!!! CHUUCH! BUT THE REST OF WHAT I SEAD BOUT THEM PUSSY ASS NIGGAZ IS AND ALWAYZ WILL BE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ps! IF U WANA GO 2 WAR I WILL TAKE U 2 WORLD WAR 3 BITCH AT THE DROP OF A DIME! IF U RIDING WITH ME THANK U!!!! IF U NOT FUCK U VERY MUCH N YO ASS!!!!!!!!!!BIIIITTTCCHH

Checkit: Pimp C's MySpace blog

UPDATE: After the jump is Lil' Troy's response to Pimp C.