December 04, 2006
Lil' Bow Wow vs. Jay-Z?
Copped this from one of you d-bags' MySpace bulletins. I'm not sure if it's real or not, but supposedly it's from an interview Lil' Bow Wow did with Ozone magazine.
Ozone: And speaking of Jay, how do you feel about his comeback album?
Bow Wow: I'm not feeling it. All the hype, all the ass kissing, I'm not feeling it you know? It's like, this is supposed to be the best rapper alive, and we're getting this warmed over garbage.
Also skewered in this interview: Jibbs, the jiglets who did "Chicken Noodle Soup," Ciara, JD and Janet Jackson.
I went ahead and copy-and-pasted the entire thing for your reading pleasure after the jump.
Bow Wow on his new album....
Ozone: So, tell us about your new album you're dropping in 2007. I hear it's a total departure from your previous outings.
Bow Wow: Yeah man, this joint is going to be crazy. And before I say anything man, I want to squash the rumors about my new album. I'm not going to be on no diary type mess man. No Ciara love letters or nothing like that man. It's going to be just some straight up raw dope man. The new album is called Pooper Scooper.
Ozone: Pooper Scooper? You know the industry is going to be clowning.
Bow Wow: The industry? Man, the "industry" can kiss my ass. In fact, scratch that. I am the industry dog. I mean yeah, if some other little *****s tried that title, yeah, it'd be a bad look. But I'm Bow Wow, these cats don't want it with me man, you know? And I call it Pooper Scooper because I'm taking all the **** out the game. These little rappers out here rapping kiddie songs, chains and **** you know, noodles and soda pop, I'm scooping that **** up man and making the game pure again. I read the Jay-Z interview in XXL, talking about Kingdom Come is an event album. Nah man, May 18, 2007, the REAL B-Day, that's the event right there.
Ozone: And speaking of Jay, how do you feel about his comeback album?
Bow Wow: I'm not feeling it. All the hype, all the ass kissing, I'm not feeling it you know? It's like, this is supposed to be the best rapper alive, and we're getting this warmed over garbage. That's just how I'm going to put it out there. Plus get this man, get this, Jay's only hot line on the album came from me!
Ozone: From you?
Bow Wow: Yeah like, it was on that track Dig a Hole going at Dipset and all them cats. You know me and some industry *****s was chilling at JD crib or whatever, smoking the dro, sippin' you know how us grown folks do. And um, your boy Jay was there you know, just sweating bullets. I'm thinking, does this cat have to go to the bathroom? Seriously, cat looked like he was about to **** on himself, too much Taco Bell or something. Come to find out he's all worried about Cam and Jim Jones and all them *****s. Some King of New York right? Anyway, so he's asking everyone how can he can get at these *****s? So, I tell dude this, I'm like it ain't them you need to be worried about, it's the ***** Dame you know? I'm like why kill the puppet and leave Gippeto alive?
Ozone: That was a hot line right there, and it was all you?
Bow Wow: Yep, all me. Turns out I watched some Pinnochio the night before with some broad or whatever. It wasn't too long before she became a Gippeto and started working with some wood. You know what I'm saying?
Ozone: ..... Um, wow.
On Ciara and the breakup...
Ozone: So, we all know the story on you and Ciara. But with her new album and sexy video, are you having a little regret about the split?
Bow Wow: First, hell no. Second, y'all don't know the story about Ciara. Let me tell you, the rumors are she's a hermaphrodite. Well, she's not. It's something that's worse to me, and a man of my status can't deal with it. The girl can't control her bladder. I'm going to just let you sit there and let it sink in and marinate.
Bow Wow: You heard me, the girl has the bladder of a 3 month old. **** got so bad I was making emergency stops at Wal-Mart to buy Assurance brand diapers for the girl. You know, I had to make myself out to look broke, no one could know your boy Bow Weezy was up in the Wal Mart buying diapers so I got the off brand. But yeah, it was disgusting.
Ozone: Bow Wow, I've heard some crazy **** before, but man, are you serious? Ciara?
Bow Wow: *****, I couldn't believe it either. First time the **** happened, that I knew about anyway, was when me, Jay-Z, his broad, JD and Janet were all up in Club 112 in the VIP you know sipping on the high class ****, Cristal and all that. This was before the whole thing with the French guy saying we don't need to be drinking it. Anyways, there's a saying amongst us ballers, "Cris makes you piss." Well, Ciara learned the hard way. Damn, I was just shocked man, you know? I'm a grown ass man and my gal done pissed on herself. And that ***** Jay had the nerve to laugh and ****. I was like hold on Jay, we can't all retain our water like you and your camel brothers. That ***** was straight hush mouth, and to get the point across further, I kindly slipped a couple of tic tacs to Beyonce, you know?
Ozone: You wild man. This is crazy. *****s are going to be heated.
Bow Wow: Let them man. And I bet 'ol CiCi is going to be pissed! But yeah, I had to let her loose after she peed on my mama good rug. I just bought that ****. $20,000 Oriental from the Orient you know? I ain't mad at what happened. I'm on to bigger, better, and dryer things you feel me?
On Jermaine Dupri....
Ozone: I'm sure JDs dismissal from Virgin has gotten to you with you being so close to him and all. What are your feelings on that? Did Virgin cut him a raw deal?
Bow Wow: Man, I love JD and all, but for real, he killed himself. Putting broads over business is not a good look. Everyone at So So Def knew she was done after her titty popped out in 2004. And you know, it wasn't no big thing to me personally, I'd seen them plenty of times already. Nothing special really. Sorry Jermaine! Anyway, so, I mean we knew the **** wasn't going to work from the start. But JD was "in love" so we just let it ride. He does the album, it comes out, flops, and then next thing you know this ***** is at my crib crying talking about Janet won't give him none cause she was depressed she had fell off so bad and he lost his job. I couldn't even feel too bad cause he knew the risks. I ain't the type to have a ***** sobbing on my shoulder. Besides, I already picked this ***** up after he fell off with the IRS. I bought his **** back, the cars, the cribs, hell the women. Janet left his ass for a minute too. I don't know man, if he go broke again he gonna have to sleep in the basement. Real talk.
Byron Crawford a/k/a Bol is the celebrated author of several books, most recently NaS Lost: A Tribute to the Little Homey.
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