Applebees: Restaurant Review

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood (Nullus?)
One of the things about shitty jobs is that every once in a while they'll give you some kind of nice, if almost worthless bonus just to take your mind off the fact that you make shit pay with no benefits to speak of and you'd probably get tossed out on your ass with the quickness, Super Smokers-style, just for mentioning the word union.

For example, at the Big Gay Mart, when you were forced to work around toxic chemicals that would likely cause any children you have to come out looking like motherfucking agent orange victims, they'd have free pizza in the break room. Which was nice. One time The Asshole switched the kind of coffee it was using and let me take home a whole box of the old shit.

My current shitty job went all out and actually gave me a $15 gift card Applebees for Christmas, if you can imagine. It's the rare occasion when I eat at an Applebees, but a free meal is a free meal, so I ended up using it the other day and figured I might write about it.

THE SERVICE

It was roughly 5 PM when I arrived at the restaurant. Which is a bit early for dinner, but this is in a kinda busy part of town, so there were a few people in there. The first thing I noticed, right off the bat, was that the hostess was pregnant, like really pregnant, and not particularly attractive to begin with. This was a bad sign both because a) a hostess' only job to begin with is to look hot and hand you a menu and b) I've seen some rather fine-looking pussy at the Outback next door, where I eat every now and again.

So I might not be hitting this particular restaurant up again, just on general principle.

Fortunately, my waiter, a young African-American fellow named Galen (I know...), was a bit more with it. I was pleased to see that he spoke relatively decent English and that he was obviously committed to his job on a level that you just don't see often enough these days, perhaps under the impression that if he worked hard enough, I might go over 15%. And while I would never do anything of the sort, the effort was certainly appreciated.

I noticed, based on the way the menu is set up, that they were pushing these 3 course meal deals they have going pretty hard, so I said what the fuck and figured I might go with them. This the deal where you can buy an entire three course meal (including appetizer and dessert) for like $12. I know they have it at both Applebees and TGI Fridays. At Applebees, there's only 3 main courses to choose from: a steak, and two other ones that looked rather teh ghey. I of course went with the steak.

THE FOOD

Also, it's worth noting that you basically only get to pick the main course and the dessert. The appetizer you end up getting is tied to the main course, and I'm sure they'd have to shut the place down if you tried to ask for a substitute. The one that comes with the steak is one of those spinach artichoke dips. I notice they have this shit at most places these days, but I never get it just because I don't go out to eat just so I can eat motherfucking spinach dip.

For a dessert, you get to choose between some sort of cheesecake and a brownie. I, of course, went with the cheesecake. While there's nothing quite like a good brownie (nullus), I know I've also had my share of pretty fucked up brownies, while the worst piece of cheesecake I ever had still wasn't half that bad. I guess anything with that many calories in it is almost bound to be tasty.

The second issue I had with my meal is that the dinner and the appetizer both came out at the same time and actually on the same plate, even. Which was a problem because a) it ruined the illusion that these were in fact two entirely separate entities (the dip became, in effect, another side dish) and b) I didn't realize that you had to eat said dip in like three and a half minutes before it turned into an entirely different, if still somewhat tasty substance. Damn.

The steak, called a Shrimp Parmasean Steak or some such, came covered with a layer of shrimp, which was then coated with a layer of melted cheese. I had it cooked rare, which is always a risky proposition - not so much because a rare steak isn't the best thing you could possibly eat (nullus?), but because it can be hard to get it just right at a good resturant, let alone an Applebees. Fortunately, they managed to get it more or less right. I could've used it a tiny bit more done, but the inside wasn't cold or anything.

I had never eaten a steak with a layer of cheese melted over it, almost as if it were a cheeseburger or some shit, and I wondered how necessary that would be, but I'm happy to report that I found this combination damn tasty. The shrimp were of a decent size and were pretty good, too. I mean, they were shrimp... The plate also came with an Andre the Giant-sized portion of mashed potatoes, which were aiight after you salted them down quite a bit, and some vegetables, which were obviously only there as a half-assed attempt at decoration. I ate them anyway, because I was kind of hungry.

The cheesecake was alright as far as cheesecake goes. Like I said, it's pretty hard to get a bad piece of cheesecake, but then I know I've also had better. It had some kind of raspberry (I think) swirl, but you couldn't really taste it. I suppose it's possible though that my taste buds might have been dead at that point from all the salt that was in the hybrid main course/appetizer.

All in all though (as Kurt Cobain would say), this was a pretty good meal. All the different parts were at least OK, and the steak, i.e. the main thing that counts, was fantastic. I was full for like an hour after I was done eating that shit, and I hardly ever get full.

BONUS

While I was eating, "Runaround" by Blues Traveler, one of the best songs ever came on the Muzak. This may very well have been the highlight of my twenties, so far.

Ratings

THE SERVICE: 1/5. Like I said, the waiter kid was OK, but the pregnant hostess was entirely uncalled for.

THE FOOD: 4/5. I know it's not cool to actually like the food at chain restaurants like Applebees, but this shit was pretty damn good. In particular, I'm fucking sold on the idea of steak coated with a layer of melted cheese.

OVERALL: 2.5/5. I'm tempted to go again, but probably won't until I have another gift card or really good coupon (like 75% off).