The Real World: Austin - Season Finale: Episode Summary

Children, my bad I couldn't be home to catch tonight's season finale when it first aired. Your father has a severe drinking problem and is generally not a very responsible person.

So this week Necromancer and Fratty McFratterson will be teaming up on Rachel the Fake Army Nurse? The previews really didn't give you much of a clue as to what was going, other that there was about to be pandemonium, Real World LA-style.

The episode begins with Melanie, or whatever her name is, and Danny climbing some important flight of stairs and sitting atop a hill, in a scene that was obviously shot on some entirely separate date and inserted here for story purposes. She's headed back to Boston with him for his birthday and eventually they plan on getting an apartment together.

Later that evening, or whenever, the gang decides to go out for one last night of alcohol abuse, which should also be good for story purposes. Wren is there and starts talking shit to Nehemiah about how tiny Wes' unit is. Nullus. She's pissed because Wes went and told some people that he hit it, and I guess word got back to her. Careful watchers of last week's episode will realize what's about to go down.

Rachel was obviously jealous that Wes was getting some action and she wasn't, and so she went and told Wren that Wes was bragging about tapping that. Wes confronts Rachel about it back at the house and she laughs it off, suggesting he's acting as if he's PMSing. Also, she calls the whole incident justice, because he supposedly slapped her and now Wren has slapped him.

Meanwhile, Lacey is upstairs on the phone, in front of the closed circuit monitors, giving the play by play to wheelchair man over the phone. Wes, convinced that she's crossed some kind of line (and she has) starts screamng on Rachel. Thanks to crafty editing, you can't see what's going on, but all of a sudden Rachel is yelling, hit me, to Necromancer, while he stands over her yelling, touch me, bitch, or some such.

At this point, I'm pretty much lost.

So Rachel is on the couch crying, but apparently she hit Nehemiah, which is why he was yelling, don't touch me, bitch. Actually, he's pointing to some mark on his arm, as if she might have bit him. Meanwhile, she's all like, how could he say that? Melanie takes her outside so she can cry some more and not bite anything, while Danny attempts to calm down Wes.

Then it comes out what was said. Nehemiah said some shit to Rachel, to which she responded, at least I didn't go to jail. To which he responded, at least I didn't go to Iraq and claim I did shit when I really didn't, or something to that effect. And then she bit him, or whatever. But of course that was entirely glossed over, because their little zero tolerance anti-violence policy on applies to men.

Does anybody remember the time when that crazy bitch Tonya, or whatever, from the Real World Chicago threw a glass at Theo because he asked her if he could use the phone? Ah, but David from the LA season got sent home for nothing more than pulling a blanket off a half-naked woman after she practically begged him to. See, that's how these crackas operate.

So now it's like the next day or whatever. Everybody's clearly hung over and traumatized. Nobody is really saying much to each other. They do the thing where individual cabs show up at 15 minute intervals to take the roommates away, one at a time. Rachel is the first one to leave and everyone looks relieved to see her go. A cab comes for Necromancer, despite the fact that he's staying in town to go to court.

Then, all of a sudden, wheelchair man shows up! Huh? How the fuck did he even get down there. I mean, he's in a wheelchair. Whatever.

NEXT WEEK. There is no next week. Thank God.