July 25, 2005
Jonah Falcon: Interview
My new interviews program continues today with the infamous Jonah Falcon, an actor and writer who just so happens to have the biggest penis in the entire world. He first gained notoriety as a figure on the New York club scene, where he would go out in spandex biking shorts just to emphasize the sheer magnitude of his package. Later, he was featured on the Howard Stern program and in an HBO documentary about mens' units.
I should probably bust out the No Big Tigger Juelz Santana today for the first time just because there's lots of talk about mens' units in this piece, but I think you'll all find that he had a lot of interesting shit to say about his experiences being the owner of the world's largest schlong.
As usual, my questions appear in "bol-d" and his responses don't. I'm always looking for new artists to interview, so if anybody reading this is interested in doing an interview or has an artist they'd like to see interviewed here, get at me via email and I'll see what I can do.
So, I've read some varying accounts about your background. I know at one point you claimed that John Holmes was your pa.
I never said that. The closest I said was that there was a rumor around the New York City clubs that I was. I was also the "family member" who denied it. Rob Kurson didn't exactly report things accurately in that Rolling Stone article.
Oh, OK. I was wondering if you made that up the same way that Michael Bay sometimes claims John Frankenheimer was his pa.
Michael Bay rips off films like parts: the clonus horror. Paul Thomas Anderson's never had a single original thought in his head -- but I digress.
I didn't know that Bay/Frankenheimer story.
Yeah, his mom used to bang Frankenheimer, but of course the old man always denied it. Shit, I would too.
So how did RS end up approaching you in the first place? Was it from you being out in the clubs?
Rolling Stone didn't approach me. Rob Kurson approached me after seeing me on Howard Stern. The story was originally for Esquire -- and when Maxim bought out Esquire, the story was dumped by them. Eventually Rolling Stone agreed to run it.(Kurson claims, for instance, in the story that I begged him to let me show it to him. Just the opposite. Kurson begged me to show him -- I did, if only for journalistic integrity.)
So Howard Stern was your first big bit of publicity then?
Sort of. I was well-known before in New York. You can't be 18 years old and have a penis over 12 inches without it being well-known. And I appeared on HBO's documentary Private Dicks: Men Exposed in March 1999. The Howard Stern thing happened later that summer.
Oh, alright. So when you would go out to the clubs wearing spandex and shit, was that basically to get pussy?
Mostly to get attention. I don't do it anymore. Haven't for years now. Maybe I will again, someday. But I'll be 35 on Friday, and I'm going to be too old to carry off that look and not be creepy.
Well, back when you did, what was the reaction like?
Amusement, fascination, lust, disgust, dismissive... a range of reactions.
I would imagine being out in NY you got a lot of men coming up to you as well as women.
Much more men than women.
But you don't swing that way, right?
Oh, I've had my encounters.
Oh. So would you describe yourself as being bi then or was that just something you were experimenting with?
Mouths tend to feel the same, you know, especially when your eyes are closed. Women tend to teethscrape far more. That's the only difference. I don't have much sex lately with women, much less men, though. Just burned out.
Hmm, alright. So what was it like after you did the HBO thing and Stern? Did you get an agent and try to do films and shit?
Well, Harper-Collins wanted me to do a book for them, with a co-writer. I signed the contract, got a signing bonus... and then nothing. They went the cheap route and could find no one they liked to be my co-writer, so it died this past March. Bravo wanted to do a reality show with me if the book was released, but that fell into the crapper. I have no agent at the moment (I am a union actor, though, doing minor work here and there.) The entire episode's gotten me down enough that I can't write about anything lately.
What kind of things do you normally write?
Well, I've written computer game and DVD reviews (UGO.com, GamePen, Computer Games Magazine) -- the UGO.com stuff you can probably Google (UGO and Jonah Falcon). I also write screenplays.
How many screenplays have you completed?
Just working on an adaptation of a friend's book at the moment.
Have you ever considered writing about your experiences with the unit?
I've considered it. Rather have someone else write it -- I feel uncomfortable writing about myself.
OK. To backtrack a bit, did everybody know about you back in high school?
Not quite. They knew, but I was a recluse.
So it was later on that you started scoring a lot?
Like college, or later than that?
Just after high school.
Just out of curiosity, how do you stack up against Ron Jeremy?
Much bigger. I was measured at 13.5" from the top fully hard. John Holmes from someone who had sex with him said he was 9.5" or so.
Oh, OK. I didn't realize you were so much bigger. Is there any kind of record for the biggest penis, like in the Guinness Book?
Yes, I'm in the "unofficial" Sexual Book of Records. Holmes used a vacuum pump, from what I heard.
Any idea how yours got to be so large? Was this a matter of genetics or just some freak occurrance?
Freak occurance, near as I can tell.
So if a hedgehog like Jeremy can be in porn, I'm sure you get approached all the time, no?
I've considered it.
I'm sure the money would be sweet. What's stopped you from going there so far?
Well, unless I self-produced, no. And I think my best bet is in legitimate film.
I notice before you said you were burned out on sex. It's not everyday that you hear a guy saying he's tired of sex. How'd that happen?
Just a ton of sex from age 18 to my 30's. It's mostly an emotional thing.
So I imagine you got tired of people mostly just fixating on the wang?
Not exactly. I don't know what it is.
Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to even imagine. So in that time period were you ever in any serious relationships?
One year-long relationship. Otherwise, no, not really.
In the future, do you see yourself settling down with someone?
So do you ever go out anymore at all. I know you said you were done with the spandex thing.
No, I've been a homebody. Just no energy. I go to the gym, eat, try to write and... that's it. I do get horny, of course. But it's more on occasion now. Far apart.
You said you were a recluse before, like in high school. Is this like a return to those days?
No, I have friends. I just don't club, go to bars, etc.
Oh, OK. So which kind of lifestyle do you prefer? Are you trying to get back to the old days or is that behind you?
The classic geek/nerd lifestyle. Computer games, board games, baseball, science fiction/fantasy, etc.
If you had it to do over again, would you change anything about your life from 18-35?
Maybe fucked more celebrities. I don't know. Maybe write more.
By more, I'm assuming you've been with a few celebs. Care to share any names?
Is writing your main gig now?
Writing and acting, but I need a day job soon. My money's starting to run out.
Do you have any big things in the works for the next year or so? Like movies or anything?
Hence the day job, I guess. Well, I'm sure you'll find something, considering you've got the world's largest unit. Are you big at all outside the US?
Much bigger. Done a ton of TV shows in England and Germany. And there I was allowed to whip it out on camera. I have to remain 9.5" soft on camera, but still shocked people.
Oh, really. Have you ever considered going over there for a while?
Maybe, but no permanent offers there either.
And I guess that's what you would like at this point, something permanent?
Here's a link to his feature in Rolling Stone from a few years ago and also a link to several of his game reviews in Google. I can't really post a picture of his unit here, but a simple Google image search will surely turn one up if you're interested.
Byron Crawford a/k/a Bol is the celebrated author of several books, most recently NaS Lost: A Tribute to the Little Homey.
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