ByronCrawford.com

Shock the monkey

Was sent this story today by a "reader." Basically, the cops out in Chicago had to zap a young tard with a taser, lest he try to chew on their faces or some shit. Now his parents, or whoever it was that realized they might benefit financially from this, are suing them for $50,000 because the boy ain't been quite right ever since.

It's hard to gather from this ridonkulous article, but it sounds like the tard had been sent to this home for juveniles in the first place because he had commited the kind of bizarre crime (probably something sexual in nature) that convinced the authorities that it wasn't safe to keep him around regular people.

At this home, the tard had some kind of issue - maybe his jello was too warm, I don't know - that caused him to flip out and go apeshit on 4 employees of the facility, hence the presence of 5-0 in the first place. When it looked like he was about to go there with the cops, one of them put him right down with the taser, "When Animals Attack"-style.

After he was tasered, the kid's heart stopped for a while. Medics were able to revive him with a defibrilator, but he ended up spending three days in a coma. Since he came too, he's been confused about where he's at, he can't remember things and he's complained about pains in the chest and shoulders. As if he knew where he was at to begin with.

Now, it's my opinion that none of this shit should've happened in the first place. The main disagreement seems to be about whether or not he was sitting on a couch, not posing a threat to anyone or whether he was standing with his fists up, primed to attack the po-po. Especially given the fact that he had already attacked four people, why was he sitting on a couch and not in a cage somewhere?

This whole situation calls to mind that thing I saw on TV where this family had lived with a chimpanzee their entire lives (I believe it was the one from "BJ and the Bear") and then the thing just went apeshit one day (no pun intended) and killed this one guy. Then this woman showed up with a shotgun and smoked like 4 of them.

This kid is lucky all he got was tasered.

Pregnant parking bullshit revealed!

I don't know if they have this everywhere, but at certain stores in St. Louis, in addition to regular handicapped parking spaces, they have these spaces for "new and expecting mothers." I remember first noticing these things back in high school and wondering where they came from, but it didn't really occur to me at the time to investigate it any further.

Well, the other day I was a little bit lit during the afternoon and was headed to a local grocery store to buy some fried chicken. (In STL, grocery store chicken > KFC, et al.) This time, when I pulled into the lot, I was just like, "Fuck it," and parked my shit right there in the pregnant ladies' spot.

I guess because subconsciously I needed to justify my actions to myself, it finally occurred to me: There's no law that says that pregnant women get to park right next to the store.

Think about it: Actual handicapped parking spaces usually have some kind of gov'tspeak on them, whether it's the name of the ordinance that covers parking spaces or the amount of fine you'll pay should you violate it. Furthermore, handicapped drivers have stickers or hanging signs that indicate their handicapped status.

This pregnant parking bullshit is just some shit the tall Israelis who run the grocery industry came up with to make themselves look good. Pregnant women aren't any less capable of walking from their cars to the store than anyone else, and, if they are, they need to apply for an actual handicapped parking space just like anyone else with a disease.

There's no way of monitoring this shit at all and there's nothing they could really do to you if you were actually found to be violating it. From now on, I'm going to check to see if that spot is open and, if it is, I'm parking my shit there every time.

In Defense of Drunk Driving

Alright, it looks like I pissed off a lot of you by daring to disrespect The Hip Hop Bible for People Who Lack A Frame of Reference, let's see if I can't drive away the rest of you assholes by exploding this little dumbass myth about the evil nature of drunk driving, Penn & Teller-style.

They aren't as prevalent now, but if you grew up in the '80s, there's no way you couldn't have seen the commercials:

Drunk driving is the worst thing you can possibly do - worse, in fact, than actually going out and killing or robbing someone.

Keep in mind, I'm not talking about driving drunk and running into anything, which is actually pretty bad, but just having the sheer balls to get wasted and hop behind the wheel is the absolute worst crime imaginable in the minds of some people.

Because of course there's a difference between driving drunk and driving drunk dangerously. Sure, thousands upon thousands of people are killed year in and year out by drunk drivers. But the real story is that those thousands upon thousands of people are mainly being killed by certain drunk drivers.

Think about it: How often do you see a story where A Grown Man With Skills kills a car full of drunken teenage girls (who seem to get into these kinds of accidents about once a week)? More often than not, it's the car full of drunken teenage girls who end up killing themselves if not anybody else who also happens to be in the vicinity.

Given the fact that it's been proven that driving while talking on a cell phone is equally as dangerous as driving drunk, and yet it hasn't been outlawed in most places, leads me to believe that all of this drunk driving hysteria is just that, a bunch of bullshit fucking hysteria propagated by a few angry mothers of dead drunken teenage girls, many of whom, amusingly enough, probably talk on their cell phones while driving.

It makes more sense to me to ban drunk driving among women and teenagers rather than to ban it outright and try to demonize it as if it's the worst thing you could possibly do.

UPDATE: Oh, and Native Americans, too. They just shouldn't be allowed to drive at all, period.

It's casual Friday

No real need for a shirt.

My apologies in advance to the "I only like women with huge asses" constituency. In some cases, you guys are actually right and I'm wrong, and it's purely a matter of conspiracy that you have to come here to even have your opinions heard in the first place.

Illmatic vs. New Miserable Experience

Today my controversial new album deathmatch series continues with two albums that I've heard more times than you've heard your favorite album. Because you lack my level of dedication.

One of the greatest rock albums in the history of the genre, the Gin Blossoms' New Miserable Experience is severely underrated by the primarily fashion-oriented white music community, in favor of garbage like Everybody Clap Your Hands and "Annie."

People who get all of their news from The Source consider Illmatic the greatest hip-hop album of all time. I don't know that it is, but it's certainly on the list.They're also highly disrespectful of their hispanic female coworkers, because it's a known fact that magazine reading is directly related to sexual behavior in the workplace.

Which one of these is a better album? I decided to compare the two on all the points that matter and came up with a definitive answer. As usual, my methods for comparison are completely scientific and I will not tolerate any questioning of my findings.

Lucy and Michelle! Together! Naked!

Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh are friends and also (in my imagination, at least) lesbian lovers. As such, they take a lot of pictures together. Here are 3 of them.

via The Hotstuff Files

Little Brother - The Chitlin Circuit 1.5: Album Review

Little Brother, The Chitlin Circuit 1.5 (Fastlife, 2005)
Like it says on its horrendously photoshopped cover (you may have to squint), this is a collection of unreleased tracks, b-sides and remixes intended to hold listeners over until their major label debut (and likely Atlantic Records tax write-off), The Minstrel Show, which will, I guess, be released in the fall.

Joe Black: Interview

My ongoing interviews program goes global today with a young MC representing Africa (yes, it's a country now) by way of Copenhagen. (Wherever the fuck that is!) Joe Black was born in soon-to-be war-torn Somalia, but ended up escaping to Denmark where he became obsessed with good old New York-style hip-hop, you follow?

Oh, and did I mention the dude's a Muslim? Read this shit or he'll come blow up your house!

Michelle Marsh in red heels

You know, somewhere along the line this became a site where a dude could post 4 or 5 pictures of a half-naked white lady and end up having to endure nothing but a whole lotta bitching and moaning. I don't know how in the world this came about, but, if this is you, please leave. You're not contributing anything of value to this site and it's likely you don't even understand half the shit I post here. You've been the bane of my existence for the past several weeks.

The Real World: Austin - Episode 6: Episode Summary

The gang all goes out to this joint The Dizzy Rooster, but Danny can't go because his eye is still messed up. I'm assuming that the doctor has him on some pills that don't go well with drank, because otherwise I can't see what would be keeping him from going anywhere. Melinda dances around like a skank for a little bit at the Rooster, but when she realizes no one is interested, she runs home, strips off her clothes and hops in the shower with Danny. It's obvious he has his reservations about the broad, but what are you gonna do when she just drops trou and joins you in the shower like that.

For what seems like the first time in a long time, they go to meet with some guy (a UT film professor) about their "job" at South By Southwest, a meeting that seems to last all of two minutes.

I notice that so much attention this season seems to be devoted to who's going to bang who, as if this was high school or some shit. Wes and Nehemiah seem to constantly be going back and forth about which of their groupies they're going to bring back to the house. Danny goes up to Wes for advice about how to handle the Melinda situation (He should drop her and bang as many chicks as possible). Melinda issues an ultimatum to the confessional (i.e. nobody) that Danny had better decide who he wants to bang: her or random groupies.

Remember what I was saying before about Danny not going out because he can't drink? Nevermind that. When the gang goes out yet again to get wasted and dance around like sluts, first he begs Melinda to stay home and fuck him, and then he hops in the hot tub and throws back at least a sixer - breakfast for some of us, but a big deal to a little fruit like him. The next day (or two weeks later - who knows?), he goes and gets his stitches out, which is more or less the end of his eye situation.

I didn't really catch Wes and Nehemiah's cheerleader situation, but, apparently, he ran into some broad who happens to be a cheerleader and ended up convincing her to invite several of them to go out with them. Admittedly, this was some pretty exquisite-looking tang, even if they were just hanging around to get on TV. I notice none of them actually made it back to the house.

Danny got really fucked up (dude was kinda yellow-looking) and ended up puking in a toilet. Melinda, after realizing he didn't bring home any trim, goes and plays with his hair while he hurls. He's visisbly still drunk the next morning when they have to go for another one of their two-minute meetings about their "job."

Next Week: His mom burns up in a crack house.

This post is part of:

The Real World Austin Episode Guide