Fat Joe - All or Nothing: Album Review

Fat Joe, All or Nothing (Atlantic, 2005)
This album was supposed to be out earlier this year, but it was held up for a while as the tall Israelis at Atlantic tried to figure out new and different ways to make it not at all worth listening to. R. Kelly and Jennifer Lopez were brought in to lend their "services," while much of the rest of this was produced by Cool & Dre, who've never done anything that anybody likes.

INTRO

I knew there was going to be a problem right off when he began the album with one of those 2002-sounding sped-up vocal samples. I hate that shit.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW

Does anybody know why Fat Joe went and got all of these budget Just Blaze beats when I'm sure he could have afforded the real deal? I think we've all seen his segment on the MTV Cribs special cars or "Whips" episode. This jig has more expensive rides than Combat Jack has children, and that's a lot.

SAFE 2 SAY (THE INCREDIBLE)

Now this is what I'm talking about! Even if it's not epsecially different from 3 or 4 other beats he's done in the past year and a half, this Just Blaze beat is pretty fucking awesome - easily the best thing on here.

SO MUCH MORE

I don't really like this song at all. In fact, I knew this album wasn't really going to be about shit when they made this a single and a video. The beat's just not that good and the 2Pac-borrowed hook is just fucking retarded.

MY FO FO

My copy of this doesn't work. Sorry.

ROCK YA BODY

Cool & Dre, who also did "So Much More," do more beats on this album than anybody else. Which is unfortunate because they really aren't that good. I don't know that they've ever done anything I like.

LISTEN BABY

It feels weird saying this, but Swizz Beatz is quickly becoming my favorite producer in the game right now. He's on basically every rap album that came out so far this year and more often than not, he's got the best shit on there.

Also, am I going crazy or is this the second rap song in the past month that samples the hood classic "The Way It Goes on Love's Train," or whatever it's called?

GET IT POPPIN'

The Scott Storch-produced lead single, featuring Nelly. I'm not even supposed to like it. Honestly though, it probably is the 3rd or so  best song on here.

TEMPTATION PT. 1

I guess this is supposed to be the album's sole hardcore moment. The lyrics really aren't that bad as far as thug posturing bullshit is concerned, but the beat is just flat-sounding and boring.

TEMPTATION PT. 2

Oh goody, there's a part 2. Because I was just dying to know how part 1, which I wasn't really paying attention to, ended.

EVERYBODY GET UP

I wonder how much Timbaland gets paid to cook up a shit sandwich like this.

I CAN DO U

Cooked Chicken Crack, or whatever he's calling himself these days, really does need to quit with the gotdamn loverman raps.

SO HOT

R. Kelly guests on this. It's shitty in the way that pretty much all of those Best of Both Worlds songs were.

LEAN BACK REMIX

My copy of this doesn't work either, but of course I've heard it. This shit is old. Why is it even on here?

BEAT NOVACANE

Wow, this manages to be bad even by this album's pretty low standards. I guess that's why they stuck it near the end of side 2.

HOLD YOU DOWN

I know I have a tendency to exaggerate things, but this really is the worst thing ever to happen to hip-hop, even more so than Biggie being assassinated and those last Mos Def and Talib Kweli albums.

COMMENTS: This is just sad. I haven't liked the last several Fat Joe albums, but this is a new low point for him. That Terror Squad album, which I thought was pretty weak at the time, is actually decent by comparison. Obviously, he was attempting to recreate the success of "Lean Back" and whatever other songs of his that were popular in the past few years, but now it's like he can't even do that much.

BEST TRACKS: The Just Blaze and Swizz Beatz ones.