The Real World Philadelphia: Season Finale Extravaganza

The End of a Shitty Era
Remember this gabage? According to my archives, I stopped following it about 20 days ago. But I did get a chance to check out the final two episodes this morning, so here we go. At this point, all I can say is that I hope The Real World Austin isn't nearly as teh ghey as this season was. In the mean time, I'll enjoy not having to worry about doing episodes for this shit each week.

I should also mention that I was tired and wasn't following either episode too closely, so there's definitely the possibility that I might've missed something, but I think I caught most of the really important parts.

The Next to Last Episode

As the next to last episode begins, the gang is still putting the finishing touches to the playground that they're building for the Northern Home for Children, which, as far as I can tell, mostly involved digging up the very top layer of grass in a yard adjacent to the playground. Sara, who would work really hard on the playground if she wasn't having as many personal problems, stops what she's doing to go sit on the stairs and call her mom to wish her a happy birthday. Her mom, whom, you'll recall, is dying of cancer, takes this opportunity to tell Sara how fat she, which, cruel as it may sound, is definitely true.

So the next day or whatever, Sara decides to spend what's referred to in various different confessionals and phone conversations as either 45 minutes or an hour and a half in the gym. Meanwhile, MJ is out in the mysteriously unbranded SUV doing what's referred to in the gay community as cruising, when he all of a sudden runs into the alleged cancer patient and her hubby, who, apparently, had just been wandering around downtown Philadelphia in the rain. Hmm... So he offers to give them a ride to the gym where Sara has been working out for what was it, 6 years? She doesn't wants to stop what she's doing to go home with her parents, because that's how dedicated she is, but she offers to meet them later on for dinner.

At some point in all of this, Sara's sister calls and tells her that her mom told her to tell Sara that she needs to get back on the popular South Beach Diet. I'm not sure what was up with all of that, but I'm assuming that Sara's mom (one of those really old, haggard, Camille Paglia-looking Jew broads) saw how fat she was standing outside of the gym, but knew better than to tell her so right there in the street. Sara, of course, doesn't react well to this at all, and takes it as an opportunity to remind the audience that she was a bulimic for 5 years. I, for one, don't believe this at all, and probably won't until I see some vomit. As far as I'm concerned, she's just another one of these broads who claims to have an eating disorder whenever she needs somebody to feel sorry for her.

Meanwhile, Karimjob has, I guess, decided that he has a man crush on Landon (no homo) and decides to get him a special "Exemplary Award" plaque. I'm assuming he figured that maybe Landon could take this back to his college and that they'd finally be convinced to award him that big Turf Management degree that he's been working on since 1996. Also, there was that little thing about him getting jealous about the fact that Landon was giving it to Shavonda up the coat and not him, and threatened to slit his throat.

Also, at some point Bon Jovi shows up to drill an extra, completely superfluous screw into the gazebo which had obviously been purchased pre-assembled at a Home Depot. I guess they did dig up that grass though.

The Last Episode

As far as that final episode is concerned, I guess it was pretty typical by Real World standards. Like most other aspects of this season, it never really rose above completely average. My choice for best final episode would have to be Seattle. That, and to a lesser degree, I guess, Miami, were the only seasons I can think of where, by the time they got around to the final episode, the roomies were all like, "Fuck you, I don't like you, and it's not like I'm going to miss you." The worse thing that can happen, as far as I'm concerned, is for people to all of a sudden act like they're best friends, and talk about how they've "grown" so much, when you know they're just the same exact assholes that they were when they got there 2 months ago.

I guess the main story thread of this episode had to do with the state Landon and Shavonda's relationship. Since the gang got back from Fiji, they've, apparently, been hooking up on the regular, but Shavonda wants it to remain strictly a physical thing while Landon is beginning to have "feelings" for her. In order to piss her off (but not really piss her off), Landon brings home some bartender chick named Mackenzie and makes out with her in his bed while Shavonda listens on. If anybody had any doubts about Shavonda being, for all intents and purposes, a white chick (and a really pathetic one at that), I guess they don't anymore.

No sooner than Landon can put his jealousy trap trim into a cab, Shavonda jumps into Landon's bed to cuddle. Landon whispers to her that they made out but didn't actually do it. Shavonda then, in a confessional, admits that she's relieved and that she might actually have some feelings for Landon. Man, I wish shit like that actually worked for me sometimes. I guess I'm just not that attractive (no homo). Because I've certainly made out with slutty broads in front of girls I actually liked, and let's just say those girls bitches didn't all of a sudden develop feelings for me afterwards.

The other story thread of this episode had to do with MJ gradually coming out of the closet. First he goes to a drag show with Willie, where he let one of the transvestites molest him, and then he ran out of the club and into the alley in full on drama queen fashion, talking about, "Ooh, I'm soooo not gay!" He then subsequently dropped to his knees and began blowing the huge, black doorman. No homo on this whole paragraph, by the way. In a confessional, he admits that he had his issues at first, he was finally beginning to understand the gay culture. Later on, he goes to a gay bar called Bourbon Street with Willie, who throws a crying fit because his mom told his little brothers he was going to burn in hell because he's a fudge. MJ rubs his hand up and down Willie thigh in an attempt to console him and tells him that there's no way he's going to hell because he's gay too now and he's not going.

And that was really about it. The rest of the episode was that dumbass thing where 6 different cabs show up one after the other to take the roomies to the airport and they all have their tearful goodbyes. As I did last season, here's a brief epilogue:

Landon: Impressed as they were with his "Exemplary Award," the administration at the University of Wisconsin refused to award Landon his long-sought-after Turf Management degree until he passes College Algebra.

Shavonda: At the airport, on the way to her plane, Shavonda ran into a really hot white guy (no homo), and immediately dropped to her knees and began blowing him.

Melanie: After the show ended, Melanie returned to White Trash, California, where she continues to receive 15-at-a-time train action from a gang of skateboard ruffians.

Karamo: Karamo, who still pretends to have issues with white people, continues to take in the rear from his Puerto Rican boyfriend, Dave Mays, and has since been named "cofounder" of The Source magazine.

Willie: Willie's "private flight attendant" boyfriend gave him some new, mutant form of AIDS that he has since spread to half the gays (and several black women) in NYC. Yeah, I know, that's just mean.

MJ: MJ has also moved to NYC and is considering having a surgery - to have his penis turned into a vagina - that will finally complete his transformation into a big woman.