50 Cent - The Massacre: Album Review

50 Cent, The Massacre (Aftermath, 2005)
It's been a while since I've done one of these intoxicado, so my bad in advance if it comes out a little screwy. I knew this was going to be bad just because these things always are, but that Game album had my hopes up that there still might be some excellent production on here. Sadly, that's not the case here at all. Some of these songs are better than others, but none of them are really worth listening to.

INTRO

Some chick says something about Valentines Day and then you just hear a whole buncha gun noises. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think it's pretty cool that the album begins with a chick being shot. You don't see enough chicks getting shot on rap albums. Slapped maybe, but not shot.

IN MY HOOD

The beat to this first one has that classic hip-hop thump to it combined with some lame, Aftermath-esque keyboard tones. Bad as it is, it doesn't get much better on this album. His lyrics on this one are nothing special, but it's not like they ever were either.

THIS IS 50

OK, this is getting boring already. I like how these silly, "ominous" backing tracks don't make Fiddy any scarier at all in the least bit. One thing that I'll admit is kinda cool is the way they incorporated the little drum roll from the beginning of Biggie's "Things Done Changed." I bet that was The Game's idea.

I'M SUPPOSED TO DIE TONIGHT

Oh goody, another one about the time he got shot. I was hoping there'd be one of those on here!

PIGGY BANK

I like the fact that he's going after other MCs (hopefully somebody will get shot), but this beat is just the audio equivalent of a back-alley abortion (minus the positive outcome). I don't even want to finish listening to it.

GATMAN AND ROBBIN' (FEAT. EMINEM)

This is an improvement. I'm pretty sure it's an Eminem production, just because they all sound more or less the same, but the shitty nature of this one in particular kinda fits this song's novelty theme. Em's ridonkulous second verse only reminds me of how joyless it can be to listen to 50 Cent rap.

CANDY SHOP (FEAT. OLIVIA)

I'm sure you've all heard this one already. It's very similar to the classic-by-comparison "Magic Stick" by Fiddy and Lil' Kim. The fact that he would pull something so brazen just makes me glad I've never spent a dime on 50 Cent.

OUT OF CONTROL

On the other hand, 50 Cent lives in a house that's as big as at least 2 houses in my neighborhood (hey, I never said I was poor), so obviously somebody's been buying his shit. There's nothing at all remarkable about this song. Sorry.

GET IN MY CAR

Ah, sweet ignorant pimp shit. If only every song on here was about how women aren't worth a shit other than sex and, um, cleaning. Which is not to say that that's true. That's so far from the truth. It just makes for a good song.

SKI MASK WAY

Remember that one Edan song about robbing people? (If not, just pretend like you do.) Well, it's kinda like that, only more teh ghey. Still, it's the best song on here by a long shot. The chorus, as you might have guessed, is "borrowed" from Biggie's verse from the "Flava In Your Ear" remix.

A BALTIMORE LOVE THING

If this is what happens when 50 Cent attempts to be creative, let's hope he never feels that urge again in life. 50, I think (I wasn't paying that much attention), rhymes from the perspective of a baggie of coke or some shit. The results are just embarassing.

RYDER MUSIC

Speaking of baggies of coke, is that D'Angelo in the background to this? It's good to see him back doing music again, even if it isn't any good. Nothing about it at all to me says "ryder."

GAYEST LINE ON THE WHOLE ALBUM: "Somebody said I was homophobic. Shit, go to the hood. Plenty of niggas are on my dick."

DISCO INFERNO

Again, you've heard this one. It's not any good, even if the video (go find that shit) is probably the best thing that's happened to me in the last month.

JUST A LIL BIT

The beat for this one is going for that whole Asian thing. I'm sure the critics will love this one, since most of them, for whatever reason, happen to be Asian. It's not very good though.

GUNZ COME OUT

I could tell this one was going to be bad from the title, so I didn't bother to listen to it.

MY TOY SOLDIERS

This song has nothing to do with that horrendous Eminem/Martika "Toy Soldiers" bullshit, but it still manages to be pretty bad anyway. Whoever the lame-ass, unlisted guest MC is makes what must be the first reference to the Tsunami on a rap album.

POSITION OF POWER

The beat for this is alright in a "not really good but not really bad" kinda way, but 50 Cent doesn't do anything especially interesting with it. Actually, it is kinda interesting that the chorus doesn't seem to have that much to do with the verses, and the first verse doesn't seem to have much to do with the second one.

BUILD YOU UP

Very teh ghey. 50 somehow managed to combine 1990-era Father MC with that one song that was Fabolous' first hit and then somehow make it suck worse than either one of them.

GOD GAVE ME STYLE

Oh no! I bullshit you not, this is a rap cover of that one shitty "God Put a Smile on My Face" song by Coldplay. Wow. I guess he figured if Ja Rule could cover Joan Osbourne, or whatever her name is, then he should cover Coldplay? Did his white CPA let him borrow this CD? Can somebody explain this one to me.

SO AMAZING (FEAT. OLIVIA)

I was hoping that this would also be a cover - in this case, of that one Luther Vandross song - but it isn't. The chorus is actually pretty close to an interpolation of an old Stevie Wonder record, but I doubt it's credited, since it is a little bit different. It's also a little bit teh ghey.

I DON'T NEED EM

Wow. At first I was like, "Hey, that kinda reminds me of the beat from Ghostface's 'Metal Lungies.'" Then I was like, "Fuck, that is the beat from Ghostface's 'Metal Lungies.'" It's slowed down or something and not nearly as cool as the Ghostface version, but it's still better than a lot of the shit on here.

HATE IT OR LOVE IT REMIX (FEAT. G-UNIT)

You might remember this one from that Game album from a month ago. Fiddy more or less dominated that version, as he does here on the remix with some more of his weed carriers. I like Fiddy as an MC way more than I like Teh Ghey, but Teh Ghey had superior production on his shit. This song is way better than anything else on here.

COMMENTS: Wow. This album has to be one of the most egregious examples of "attempting to cash in on tired ass formulas that white people still spend money on" since Jay-Z quit recording. At least Jay-Z's conceited enough to shell out for great producers, as if he could somehow buy a great album. 50 has obviously decided to take the Ludacris career path and not even pretend he gives a shit. If you buy this, you're a fucking idiot.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AND DISCUSS: In 1985 Duran Duran was commissioned to write a theme song to that year's James Bond film (the one with Christopher Walken, IIRC). At a loss for ideas (they were, after all, Duran fucking Duran), they just took one of their old songs (some shit about "dancing into the fire") and renamed it "A View to a Kill." If you notice, the lyrics don't have much to do with James Bond, but, at certain points throughout the song, they do shout, "A view to a kill!"