Minus P - Welcome to the Heights: Album Review
Minus P, Welcome to the Heights (Has No Record Deal, 2004)
Our friend Minus P here was going to be the first participant (paying participant, I should say) in my new album review program, but he couldn't quite scrape together the $20. For the sake of black/latino unity (no homo), I decided to go ahead and review his shit anyway. Also, he said the next time I was in the New Jersey area I could have sex with his sister.
STAND UP (INTRO)
OK, obviously this is some sort of homebrew concoction. The keyboards (or is that the key-tar) are really cheap-sounding, which is unfortunate. Otherwise it's not that bad.
BEST IN DA HEIGHTS
I've never even heard of Da Heights, let alone any MCs from there, so I guess I can take his word that he's the absolute best Heights resident to ever have done it. In that sense, I guess you could say that I'm the Best in Da Creve Coeur. Fitz isn't that bad either, but he's from Maryland Heights, and there's a lot of dope MCs over there.
SLOW LEARNER
Hmm. The beat on this one is a switch if not necessarily an improvement. The concept's not that bad, but I wish the drums hit harder and the horns were'nt so "bright" sounding, if that makes any sense. I liked the lyrics because they seemed personal and self-deprecating, even though I wasn't really paying that much attention to them. It's hard to listen think and type at the same time, so I usually just type.
FUCK DA CLUB
I'm sure that comes as a huge surprise to people who read this on a regular basis. Continuing in the same vein, I like this one because I think it might be making fun of people who hang out at the club. People who can afford to hang out at the club are gay.
YOU SCARED
What's with jigs all of a sudden rocking the Sabbath this year? If only these beats fucking rocked like Black Sabbath. This is veering dangerously close to late '90s pop rap territory. This could be the "thugged out" song on a Ma$e album. What's Black Rob up to these days? Probably breaking into people's houses.
LES' MAKE LO
I need to go to the place where chicks would find this kind of thing sexy. I took 5 years of Spanish in high school and 2 in college. I just need to practice my Latin Lover routine.
THE CADILLAC SONG
The big lead single (It was even played on the radio!) is a bit too grown and sexy for my liking. I don't even like the LL routine when LL does it. When the quiet storm comes on, I go to sleep.
STILL SHINING
Minus P could probably sell more records and perhaps even get signed to a label if he came up with more creative titles for his songs. For example, that new De La Soul album is not worth listening to in the least bit, but it certainly looked like it was going to be.
SOMETHING'S IN THE AIR
Not to get completely off topic, but that kinda reminds me of Jello Biafra's classic "Names for Bands" routine. What ever happened to him anyway? I suppose I could mention that the beat to this one hits a bit harder than most of the other ones so far. It seems to be in the same vein as "The Cadillac Song;" maybe they could've made it the lead single. I guess it is a bit chintzy though.
DOWN SOUTH BOUNCE
Ooh, from the bordering on passable to the ridonkulous! I'm turning this one off.
EL RITMO
Which is Spanish for "The Rhythm." See, I told you I went to college. Even though it was pretty much a waste of time. Seriously, I would hand my degree back to those crackas like that if they'd give me my my parents' money back.
WELCOME TO THE HEIGHTS
Minus P really could stand to be a bit gullier than he is on this. I mean, if he plans to make it in the rap biz. I'd definitely suggest dropping more f bombs and attacking rappers who actually have deals just for the free publicity. Is that somebody humming in the background? Oh fuck, it's the rap Crash Test Dummies! Now there's a motherfucking concept.
RIGHT HERE
See, I just dropped an f bomb. It made the review that much more interesting, didn't it? I like the part when he broke out into the chorus from J-Lo's "Jenny from the Block." Now that I've heard most of this, I think what Minus P reminds me of most (other than the guy who does my gardening - Ha Ha Ha) is a more Puerto Rican Murs. I think if he got some better beats and played up his humorous/self-depricating vibe, he could go from being a broke rapper with no record deal to being a broke rapper with a record deal.
WHY MUST I?
See, I just dissed Minus P. I just compared him to the guy who does my gardening, Road Rules Theo-style, even though I don't even have a garden, let alone a Mexican to tend to it. If I had taken the time to listen to this song rather than sitting here typing this silly bullshit, I could tell you whether or not I actually liked. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I liked it. Whatever.
REMEMBERING YOU
Oh no, it's the Luther version of that one Carpenters song. You know, it's weird to think that he was such a huge black man and she was such a tiny white lady and now they're both more or less dead. Was that insensitive?
COMMENTS: Like I said, Minus P is more or less the Puerto Rican Murs. I think the key to him building a successful career in rap will be to build up a healthy sized audience of teenaged white girls. This might be difficult because it's never really been attempted before as far as I know, but I think the first step is going to be for him to take up skating, and then find some girl to stalk and write songs about. White chicks like it when you expose your feelings, man. I should know, I'm the lead singer in the hottest new emo band.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT AND DISCUSS: Sometimes, when somebody would come into White Castle where I used to work and order, say 10 White Castles with no pickles, I would should out really loud, "10 White Castles, minus the pee!" True story.
