When I was in college (i.e. earlier this year), I spent a lot of time sitting around in my dorm room drinking beers and listening to the campus radio station. I'm sure this comes as a huge surprise to people who thought I was spending that time in the library or the gym, but, surprisingly, it's true. Every once in a while, they would run a commercial from this place called the Lifeline Pregnancy Resource Center, which, as far as I can tell, was one of these places that tries to talk pregnant women out of having abortions using all kinds of brainwashing and religious pamphlets and what have you. The thing is, in the background to these commercials, you could hear the instrumental version of the Ben Folds Five '90s classic "Brick." Which always tripped me out because, really, who wants their song in a fucking pro-life commercial?
For the longest time, as Billy Joel would say, I just assumed that this was a matter of these people illegally co-opting the song for their own evil purposes. And I do mean evil. "Brick" wasn't actually a "pro-life song," just a song about a couple of kids who decided to get an abortion, right? But then it occurred to me, just based on the quality of the BFF's music and the nature of their fan base, that these motherfuckers might have been staunch pro-lifers all along and we just didn't know it.
Consider the facts:
A) I don't think you can very easily get away with illegally using someone's song in a commercial in this day and age, especially for something as politically charged as one of these pregnancy brainwashing camps. Kirksville might be a small town, but it's a college town, which means there are least a few intelligent cats here and there. Those fuckers had to count on somebody like me finding out about this shit, didn't they?
B) Ben Folds has never actually come out and stated that he isn't a pro-lifer, has he? I did a quick Google search and I couldn't find any evidence of this. You would think that, in a case like this, one might want to go ahead and put it out there one way or the other if for no other reason than to avoid the kind of scenario I described in point A. If you made a song about how you were a child rapist, and then a bunch of child rapists tried to claim you for their group, you would want to make it clear whether or not you actually were, right?
I don't know about you, but those were enough facts for me to come to the conclusion that Ben Folds was a hardcore pro-lifer all along who purposely tried to obfuscate his position on the issue in an attempt to push his views on the easily misled youth of the country. That it didn't work on me (remember, I was like 15 or 16 at the time) is no surprise since it's become clear to me that I was kind of destined from jump to become Bocephus the Angry Beer-Swilling Internet Prophet. But obviously most kids never had anywhere near the amount of brains and balls that I had and I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them actually fell for his ruse. And for that, hopefully he'll one day die in a plane fire.
HEAR FOR YOURSELF: Ben Folds Five - Brick