Jim Jones, On My Way to Church (The Koch Graveyard, 2004)
Now that I think about it, this probably wasn't a very good album to begin my campaign of purposely negative album reviews just because it really is the worst rap album I've ever heard before in my life. But it'll have to do for the time being. I'm going to try to find that new Jay-Z & R. Kelly album, but it'll have to wait until at least Monday because I'm about to go flip White Assholes and then have a SEMO Good Time for the next couple of days.
ON MY WAY TO CHURCH
You see, being as out of the loop as I am, I had no idea that Jim Jones wasn't an actual rapper, just one of these actual rapper's weed carriers, who one day decided he wanted to put an album out. My bad, I guess.
CAPO STATUS 1ST TAKE
Even though the line between rappers and rappers' weed carriers is constantly being blurred these days, it really does take someone like Jim Jones to remind you which is which.
ONLY ONE WAY UP
Like, seriously, dude is way worse than Juelz Santana even. In fact, I'm pretty sure Juelz might've even written a majority of this crap. But, the thing is, Jones delivers these garbage rhymes the way my own dad might if he one day just decided to put out a rap album.
THIS IS JIM JONES
Honestly though, if Jim Jones does have one talent, and talent probably isn't the right word but I don't feel like spending too much time on this crap at all, but if the man does have one "positive attribute," it's his capacity for complete self-delusion.
In fact, if I had to compare him to one figure in the hip-hop industry, it would be that clown Damon Dash. I guess the main difference would be that Jones doesn't have a smart rapper like Jay-Z's coattails to ride, just Cam'ron and the rest of those clowns.
Speaking of Cam'ron and the rest of those clowns, I'll have to break character here for a sec and admit that this is some pretty good shit. It doesn't really count though because it's just a rip-off of old school Dre shit and it being on this album only really serves to demonstrate just how bad this Dipset/Heatmakerz garbage is compared to actual good rap music.
Not to be so hard on the guys, but this shit really does suck. This song in particular sounds like fucking elevator music or something. Jamaican elevator music maybe, but elevator music none the less.
END OF THE ROAD
Remember when this was a Boyz II Men song? I haven't heard anything from them in probably 10 years, but I bet there's some dumb asshole somewhere who still thinks that that was a really good group. Hey, they kinda sounded like elevator music too! Coincidence?
Actually, if Jim Jones is the one who comes up with all of the Dipset's nicknames, then again, I've got to give the man at least a little bit of credit. A lot of times, it'll actually be the MC's weed carrier who comes up with all of the cool nicknames.
CAPO STATUS 2ND TAKE
I should probably just take this time out to mention that that last song was a blatant rip-off of Kanye West and Twista's "Overnight Celebrity" and that "Let's Ride" garbage was also an "homage," this time to the late, great Biggie Smalls aka The Greatest Rapper of All Time.
LOVELY DAZE / MEMORY LANE
In fact, Biggie's own weed carriers were better than anybody in the whole fucking Dipset, let alone their weed carriers.
Shit, what am I thinking? Cam'ron actually was one of The Greatest Rapper of All Time's weed carriers. Which basically makes Jim Jones some kind of bizarre, 8th generation weed carrier's weed carrier.
LIVIN' LIFE AS A RIDER
Basically, 8 years ago, Jim Jones wouldn't have been qualified to pump the shit from Biggie's tour bus, but now he's got an album out. I'll bet somebody will pop up in the comments and call me a hater for not liking it. Yeah, I'm a hater. Fuck it.
Whoa, it's actually somebody from Bone Thugs, or whatever they were called. I guess it's good that Jim Jones is reaching out and giving a lot of these old rappers jobs. Shit, somebody get Skee-Lo on the phone.
WHEN THUGS DIE
Ooh, this is bad. This must be Jim Jones' tribute to 2Pac. How appropriate that it's a really bad song too!
THIS IS GANGSTA
Yes, this is absolutely criminal. Anytime that I'm actually glad to hear Juelz Santana's voice, you know something's gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but this is insanely bad. In fact, these last few songs have been bad enough to give me a whole new appreciation for the first half of this album. Again, the standards have been lowered.
BEND N STRETCH
Gayest. Song title. Ever. Sounds kinda like that other Ma$e song that's not the "Welcome Back, Kotter" theme song. In other words, it ain't no good.
TALKING TO THE WORLD
God, I can't listen to this shit anymore. Whoever's producing this garbage is just taking old R&B records, putting them into a machine and pressing a button that says, "New Gay-Style Rap Music."
CAPO STATUS FINAL TAKE IT UP THE COAT
Not this mess again. What the fuck is he talking about anyway?
ON MY WAY TO CHURCH OUTRO
More of this crap with Dr. Benjamin Chavis Muhammad (he was on the intro too). Who wants to bet that his Ph.D came from the St. Louis College of Health Careers?
If there's ever been a persuasive argument that a rapper's weed carrier's weed carrier shouldn't be allowed to release an album, then this is certainly it. Jim Jones may have the worse delivery of any MC that I've heard since the 1985 Chicago Bears. Combine that with the typical Dipset lyrics and beats which already suck, and what you get is an all around travesty. This is almost as bad as the new Mos Def album. Even Dame Dash himself knew better than to put this garbage out on Roc-A-Fella. Think about that.