ByronCrawford.com

Nick Lachey should pull a Scott Peterson

With this year's season of Newlyweds coming to an end, I'm sure the "story editors" over at MTV have been up late nights trying to figure out what kind of twists they can come up with to ensure that the show's ratings remain as ridonkulously high as they've been. Other than making Jessica's boobs even bigger (which they should probably do anyway), might I suggest that Nick knocks her up and then, upon realizing that her boobs are never going to look right again and that having a babychild in the house is only going to make her even dumber, he decides to slit her throat and dump her corpse, fetus-in-tow into some body of water, preferably a lake so that eventually they can fish it out. The bulk of the season would be made up of a big show trial which would, of course, climax in a big OJ Simpson-Fred Goldman (or whatever his name was) style showdown in the courtroom between Nick and that lizard Joe Simpson.

Miller beer > A-B beer

OK, maybe this is common knowledge elsewhere, but in the STL it's about tantamount to saying that Five for Fighting is better than Bruce Hornsby & The Range (Bold statement alert! Bold statement alert!). But guess what bitches? It's true. Not that it matters that much. I mean, piss water is piss water and I'll generally drink whatever's on sale. But I was watching that commercial the other day where they had people take blind taste tests of the two and I just knew before I even saw the results that Miller would probably win just because I think it is a little bit better than Budweiser.

The worst new music

My bad about having to be gone for a few days there. One day I spilled beer on my mouse and then the damn thing would only scroll left and right and was basically stuck about 3/4ths of the way down the page. I let it dry out for a day, but when I came back to it, the damn buttons were sticking. Yesterday I got a "new" one (the one that actually came with this garbage) which sorta kinda (but not really) works, but then when I went to actually go post with it, the gotdamn Internet was down. A big shout out goes to the good people at Pabst Blue Ribbon (who owns that shit now anyway?) for helping me throught these past few days.

Yet another informal poll

Best song to hear in a grocery store
I'm sure it's happened to you. It happened to me the other day: I was standing there in the frozen food aisle of my local grocery store trying to figure out if I could afford to buy a pizza. Some lady walked by with her little kid when, all of a sudden, "Walking on Broken Glass" came on the Muzak system and I really just couldn't fight the urge to holler out, "Fuck yeah, dude!"

Mobb Deep - Amerikaz Nightmare: Album Review

Mobb Deep, Amerikaz Nightmare (Jive, 2004)
Drinking on the job is great fun, especially if you work at a place where not only will you not be FIRED ON THE SPOT, but you're pretty much encouraged. But, as I've discovered in the past week or so, it's not especially good for one's work ethic. I mean, it doesn't really hamper my ability to scoop baked beans onto a plate (which is what I'm usually doing when I'm not here), but by the time I get home I don't really feel like doing shit but cracking a coupla mo cold ones and calling it a day. Hence the reason why I haven't posted since Monday. Also, I haven't reviewed any albums since waaayyy back before I retired. I should probably be trying to do that more often, but with my current "busy schedule," of course I can't make any guarantees.

Let's relocate Michelle Malkin

Let's spray her shiny black hair with DDT and put her behind a fence somewhere where we don't have to listen to any more of her shit for the duration of this War on Terror, or whatever we're calling it these days. Hell, permanently even, since that's how long the motherfucker's probably gonna last anyway. We can get her a job folding up crab rangoon for PenceFo Industries new frozen foods division.

Silly jig musicians and Jesus

In which Bol Emeffin C makes the following controversial statement: Jesus won't actually save your ass from cancer. Sometimes religious folk catch cancer, pray like it's going out of style and still die horrible, horribly painful deaths. And sometimes, completely reasonable people catch the Big C, get the fuck over it and go back to whatever they were doing beforehand.

J-Kwon and Bow Wow are banging JoJo

I should probably preface this entire story with a huge "no child molesto" just so that nobody gets the wrong idea about me. Not that I have anything against child molesters, mind you. All you perverts don't go removing the BC dot C from your blogrolls! Also, does anybody else find it amusing that, in an attempt to make himself seem more grown up, Lil' Bow Wow insists on being called Bow Wow? Does he not realize how silly that is?

Usher thinks he's a better dancer than Jacko

You know those shitty little weekly newspapers that you pick up when you're looking to "pay for it," or you need a traffic ticket fixed for $19 (they should come up with a package deal for those two)? Well I picked up the one we have here, The Riverfront Times, today while I was at the North County free clinic getting my 12th Hepatitis A shot (and remember, there are only two in the series). It was the most I could do to keep from dropkicking somebody's little jarheaded, unwanted, flea-ridden jigbaby.

J-Kwon raps about beating women

So the other day I was in my car driving up the street to buy a sandwhich when J-Kwon's shitty new song "I'ma Keep It Dirty," or whatever it's called came on the radio. Just for shits and giggles I decided to let it play out rather than damn near break my finger reaching for one of my other presets like I'd normally do. Long story short, not only is this kid a fucking broke-ass liar who goes around beating his babies' mothers, he actually raps about that shit.

Peep (from the second verse of the song):

And baby mamas mad they ain't 'bout shit / Basically what I'm sayin dude, fuck a bitch / And if I had to, I'd touch a bitch / In the same breath turn around and touch her clit

As the late, great Rick James would say, that's some cold blooded shit. Something needs to be done about this kid.