Road Rules X-TREME - Episode 1: Episode Summary

I had been going back and forth for a while about whether or not I would write about this season of Road Rules, but finally I just said fuck it. With the summer coming up and with the Real World going away for a while, I could be at a loss for things to write about anyway. Plus, it looks like they did a bang up job this season with the casting, especially with the gay kid and the Polack. Should be good times.

First, of course, we start out by meeting the assholes. This year's might be the most ridonkulous "meet the assholes" sequence of the series thus far. Basically, the gang gets carried down some trail on a cart by what appears to be some blue jean-wearing Chilean slave. It stops at random points (how the fuck did they get there?) to pick up each roomie, or, um, roadie or whatever. Here's a little rundown I created of what we're dealing with.

Patrick is 20 years old, grew up in Chicago and went to the University of Pennsylvania (probably to play football or some shit, RW Chicago Kyle-stylee). The most important things in his life right now are wrestling and his girlfriend. So yeah, that's the kind of asshole we're dealing with here.

Jodi is 22, grew up in Virginia somewhere (don't know much about the state; it probably sucks) and has no large intestine, interestingly enough. The fact that she felt it necessary to bring that up during her little intro lets us know that she'll probably trot it out several times throughout the season as an excuse. For a sickly looking broad, she's not that bad looking.

Ibis is 19 years of age, 3 feet tall and hails from Weston, Florida (I hadn't heard of it either). She wanted to make sure everybody was aware of the fact that she was born in San Juan, Puerto Rico. She was wearing lots of ridonkulous looking make-up and jewelry and will probably suck during missions, but she's the only one in the group who speaks both Spanish and Portuguese.

Danny, sure to be a constant source of amusement this season (no homo), came out of the closet at age 14 and was quickly grounded by his moms (no cock for him for at least two weeks!). Now he's 20 and fucking flaming. The fact that he's from somewhere in New Jersey probably doesn't help matters either.

Kina is some 19-year-old ethnic looking white chick from, you guessed it, New Jersey. I don't know how athletic she is, but socially or whatever, it looks like she might be the "stick in the mud" character. She was getting hella testy when my boy Derrick was hitting on her and I noticed she mentioned something in her little intro about being raised by her grandparents.

Derrick, the man, is 20 and grew up in Chitown. He's 100% Polack and proud of it! He couldn't make it out of the first episode without offending the gay kid and getting in some kind of drunken incident, which is, of course, a good sign.

So they're on the little cart on their way to the RV when somebody mentions that Derrick looks like the gay guy from Clueless, Christian (he doesn't, really). His response: "Dude, I don't wanna look like a fag!" It's exchanges like this that keep me coming back. No homo, of course. They get to the RV, which looks to have only one big bed and one big jar of condoms. Maybe there were some other beds in the back that I didn't notice. Anyhoo, it looks like the chicks will share the big bed w/ the other chick, Danny and the guys will have to sleep elsewhere.

They huddle around the little cabin, on the way to wherever they're going, when somebody brings up the gay issue. I think it was Derrick, who something to the effect of, "Usually there's a gay person on these shows. You have to think that he already knew that Danny kid was gay (it's just too obvious) and he was just trying to start some shit. Danny's response: "It's me!" Ibis gets all giddy like, "I love gay guys. We have to go shopping together."

They get to the scene of their first mission, a field in Pucon, Chile with some helicopters and 2 supposed Chileans with the world's most ridonkulous accents. First, they have to explain to them the rules of the show (as if anybody on here hasn't already seen this on TV) and give them their little stipend (1 billion dollars Chilean = approximately $3,000 US).

Next it's on to their first little dumbass mission. The first missions on these shows always involve bungee jumping off of something and are never really interesting and this one is no exception. They try to make it look dangerous by making it in the general vicinity of an active volcano and by having some old guy come out and explain that this had never been done before (why would it have been) and that they could die, but I wasn't buying it.

I'm not even going to bother describing the mission. They tried to stick a commercial break in the middle of it to make it look they might lose, but of course they didn't (all they had to do was fall out of a helicopter). They get back to the RV and celebrate the way we've come to expect these people to celebrate. Derrick celebrates a little bit too much and has his little scene. First, he tries to molest that Kina bitch, who's clearly not having it, and then he goes outside and punches a tree.

NEXT WEEK: The same bullshit, only somebody throws up.