I was checking out Noixe and BG&E's sites today and noticed that Blogger has got some really cool new templates. I used to fool around with Blogger a bit back in '01-02 (back before it got all cute), so I clicked over there to see what was going on and I got to reading some of my old posts.
I'm not sure exactly what is going on with it, but it looks like I must've deleted all of the shit I wrote from whenever I started it up until 8/31/02, which was when I came back here for what was my sort of 2nd junior/1st senior year (of several at this point) in college. Fortunately, I can guarantee you the vast majority of that was shit I used to copy and paste from one of those old school services they had where they would send you an email with the day's headlines (and probably spam the shit out of you) back in the late '90s.
I used to read Sherman Skolnick a bit when I was like 18-20 (I don't pretend to be crazy, I am crazy) and when I started it back up again, I had this idea that I was going to create this huge web of stories not unlike his ones that would involve, like Bill Clinton, the Vatican Bank, Coca-Cola and the Chinese Secret Police, only instead mine would involve a lot of the retarded kids I went to high school with, which was actually an idea I pioneered back a little bit before there was even a such thing as Blogger (Bocephus: 8/25/99 (this shit is still saved on my school's network), Blogger: 8/31/99, if I'm not mistaken).
Before you check out these stories, there are a few things you should probably know:
-I went to high school at this shitty little school called Parkway North in the (of course) Parkway School District, which was actually, at the time, considered the top public school district in the country. I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't now. Fitz, EZ, D-COY, the J Station and I did a lot to generally lower the standards there.
-Parkway North, in particular, was like a general depository for retarded kids in the St. Louis area. We already had our share to begin with and people from outside the district would pay extra to send their little genetic mistakes there too. There were two general areas in the school where retarded kids were grouped: One upstairs with the rest of the general population that we called the "Lost World" and one downstairs for the really fucked up kids (wheel chairs, diapers and what have you), the controversially titled "Downstairs Resource."
-These "very special children" were a general source of amusement to myself and most other guys in our school. I know a lot of you who read this consider me "childish and jealous" today at the ripe old age of 23, so you can imagine what I was like from ages 14-18.
The series started out with a post called "Child Porn Scandal" (9/12/02), which was actually sorta kinda true in that it was a story that I copied and pasted about this retarded kid (coincidentally enough) named Some Young Guy who I think graduated with Fitz, EZ and I and who had been arrested in a local kiddie porn ring with some other old guys. I got rid of the fact that it was Some Young Guy and just posted that it was a retarded kid from our school.
What follows is most of a series of posts from that next month or so where I basically took off from the "Child Porn Scandal" post and tried to develop a series of stories like I was saying before.
Cast of characters:
John Stanley aka Mr. John Stanley: You could see this kid dangerously weaving through traffic in the Page/Bennington/Westport area of West St. Louis County on a little red bicycle on his way to school in the mid to late '90s. As far as I know, he started high school some time around 1993 and rather than hang out in the Lost World with the rest of his kind, they let him hang out in the library, where he would help dumb ass kids (and some teachers!) launch Microsoft Office applications. For that, I think that he was pretty much under the impression that a) He was some kind of computer genius and b) He was an actual employee of the school district. They tried to graduate him in '97 and again in '98, but every year he would come right back to school again in the fall. By 1999 or so, kids who didn't know any better began to refer to him as "Mr. John Stanley."
Marvin Casey aka Crazy Marvin: One of the more violent of the retarded kids in the building, Crazy Marv spent about as much time at this school in our district called Fern Ridge as he did at North. Fern Ridge was primarily where they would send black kids for 90-180 days after they got into a fight unless your name was Julian and you got into a fight with a white guy in gym class, in which I guess they figured the level of humiliation experienced was punishment enough. Crazy Marv's first trip to Fern Ridge was triggered by an incident in which he nearly choked this little 4-foot-tall white kid named Aaron Rist (sp?) to death (literally) for some reason which escapes me. Maybe Fitz or somebody can help me out on this. He also got kicked out for a long ass time Junior year for getting into a fight with the star running back/popular hoodlum Jermel "Melle Mel" Chesser, who got off with a slap on the wrist. But for me personally, my most vivid Crazy Marv memory (and I've got quite a few) was the time I put him in a headlock and choked the shit out of him, to the general amusement of the rest of the kids in the palestra until that crazy fucker decided to bite me. That was actually only slightly before he flipped out on that Aaron Rist kid.
Arod Sanchez: Shrouded in mystery, this kid went to school with us in the 8th grade, where he some how managed to be in the same grade as at least two of his other siblings, none of whom I'm pretty sure, were the same age. Then he kinda disappeared for a long ass time and all of a sudden showed up again as a senior in high school looking considerably "druggier" and wearing combat boots everyday to PEII where he and I were the only two (maybe there were 3) seniors in the class. The J Station was in that class.
Eric Knost aka "Nancy Boy": My grade level principal in high school. Currently the superintendent of the Oakville School District, from what I hear.
"Officer" Williams aka "Police Officer" Williams: The world's most genial black man. An officer from the St. Louis County police department whose job it was to basically walk the halls of schools in the North end of the district and talk to random kids. make I think he might also teach D.A.R.E. classes once a week or so at the grade schools.
Adam Duritz, Dave Matthews and a few other random celebrities: There were some other posts in the shit that got deleted with a few random stories about these two being involved in all kinds of weird sexual relationships with women. Somehow they also managed to make it into this series.
And, finally, the actual stories:
Newsflash: Mr. John Stanley denies any involvement in child porn scandal
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - In a press statement released today, Mr. John Stanley denies any involvement in the recent child porn scandal. It reads, "I am not, nor have I ever been a part of any child porn scandal. I am only a computer expert who has been in high school since 1993." When pressed for further comments, Mr. John Stanley hopped on his goofy looking bicycle and sped away.
Newsflash: Marvin Casey denies any involvement in child porn scandal
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - In a press statement released today, Marvin Casey denies any involvement in the recent child porn scandal. It reads, "I am not, nor have I ever been a part of any child porn scandal. I am only a goofy looking black man who is prone to fits of uncontrollable violence." When pressed for further comments, Marvin Casey punched me in the nuts and chewed on my arm.
From the wires: Arod Sanchez denies any involvement with Al Quaeda
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - In a press statement released today, Arod Sanchez denies any membership with the Al Quaeda terrorist organization.
It reads, "I am not, nor have I ever been a member of the Al Quaeda terrorist organization. Just because I am a strange man who only came to high school 3 times in the whole 4 years does not make me a terrorist. I have been a faithful citizen to this country ever since I was kidnapped by a gang of pro-lifers and brought here in the late 70's from my native Paraguay."
This comes only days after the FBI revealed months of wiretap surveillance that shows that Mr. Sanchez was paid in excess of $31 to plant a dirty sanchez bomb at a recent Dave Matthews Band concert by none other than Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows.
Mr. Duritz was not available for comment as he was on vacation in Bermuda, skinny dipping with the entire female cast of the TV show Friends and the girl who plays Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Newsflash: Mr. John Stanley's bicycle has been stolen
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - Local computer expert Mr. John Stanley reported his bicycle stolen today from the racks outside of Parkway North High School where he is a sort of quasi-employee.
According to his mom, "That goofy looking bicycle was his only way back and forth between his job at the high school and the Marvin L. Casey Center for Exceptional Children. He doesn't like to ride on the bus with the rest of those kids because he thinks he's better than them."
Assistant Principal Eric "Nancy Boy" Knost explains, "He's not an actual employee of the Parkway School District, but he's been hanging out in the computer lab in the library since 1993 and nobody's been able to get him to leave. Maybe this will finally do it. He's not a computer expert either."
"Police Officer" Williams has been quoted as saying, "The fact that he's not really a computer expert is a non-issue. Even though I am only a weird black man who dresses up like a cop to meet high school girls, I am committed to helping Mr. John Stanley find his bicycle. Either that or take a ride over to the Goodwill and pick up a new one. Its not like he'd notice the difference anyway."
Stay tuned for updates...
Exclusive: Counting Crows' Duritz in 3-way with Bush daughters
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - Adam Duritz, lead singer of the Counting Crows, admitted today that he was once in a 3-way with President George W. Bush's twin daughters Jenna and the other one. The act apparently took place in Texas where the Counting Crows were last week promoting their new album Hard Candy.
Apparently, Duritz met the Bush daughters in a bar called "The Hobby Hole" where they were illegally drinking like they do on most days. Mr. Duritz also happened to be in the bar sipping a courvoisier when the DJ put on his classic record "Mr. Jones and Me." All of the women in the club fell into a trance, transfixed by his sheer godliness. Duritz walked over to the Bush daughters' table and suggested that they leave the club with him. The next thing you know, they were in the penthouse suite of the Chateau Duritz hotel doing the nasty.
It all started in the shower where the Bush daughters took turns shampooing Mr. Duritz's balls and then it moved into the bedroom where they took turns receiving his man-sized shaft in their little teenaged asses. Then he gave both of them the shocker and left. Jenna Bush was quoted as saying, "I love the taste of Mr. Duritz's balls almost as much as I love the taste of J&B Scotch." The other Bush daughter added, "I don't like the Counting Crows as much as I like the Dave Matthews Band, but I sure love the feeling of his big scaly pecker in my ass."
Noelle Bush was also there, but she was too high on crack to know what was going on.
Breaking News: Marvin Casey tries to rape a muppet
CREVE COEUR, Mo. (AP) - In a bizarre incident that has shaken the St. Louis puppet industry to its very core, local madman Marvin Casey has been charged with 17 counts of deviant sexual arousal for allegedly trying to rape the popular Muppet known to children across the world as Big Bird. The incident allegedly took place in the basement of the Savvis Center where the Muppets would often sign autographs and take pictures with "exceptional children."
Crazy Marvin, along with Mr. John Stanley and other local computer experts had been invited to attend a performance by the Muppets and meet the performers in a special after-show party that was sponsored by the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It all started last week when one of the midget acrobats who performs with the Muppets, Diego Sanchez Diaz read an article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch about how Mr. John Stanley's bicycle had been stolen and decided to do something about it.
"I know what it's like to grow up without a bicycle" said Sanchez, "so I decided to do something about it. I only make $27 dollars a year that I have to send back to my family in Honduras, but I figured I would contact the pro-life group that kidnapped and brought me here in the late 80's. They're always looking for an oppurtunity to get their name in the paper." Apparently, they were not aware of the dangers of mixing exceptional children and furry mascots.
Six years ago, Crazy Marvin found himself banned for life from Busch Stadium due to an unfortunate incident in which he attempted to choke Fredbird to death during the Cardinals' annual "Crazy Kids Day at the Ballpark." At the time he claimed that it was in self-defense after Fredbird had taunted him for having such short arms and also made several racial slurs towards him although it should be stated that Fredbird denies all charges to this day.
The case was subsequently swept under the rug to avoid any bad publicity after the man who was dressed as Fredbird at the time was found passed out on a sidewalk in East St. Louis surrounded by crack vials and several empty bottles of J. Roget.
It remains yet to be determined whether or not charges will be filed in this weekend's incident. According to Crazy Marv's court appointed public defender, he had no choice but to attack Big Bird after he had already made several sexual advances towards him including waving his big, bushy yellow tail against his crotch area and making certain racist comments regarding the extraordinary sexual prowess of developmentally disabled black men.
Stay tuned for updates...
I'm not really sure what happened at this point. It looks like I was on a roll there for a minute, but then I took off for a week and came back with the Crazy Marv/Fredbird incident, which is cool for what it is, but kinda jumbled. The rest of the posts that I have saved are pretty much split between music related shit and stories of random drunken incidents I was involved in back in those days.
Just reading over this shit, it really does get into a lot of issues that I'm sure the Parkway School District would be none-too-pleased to have so out in the open. As far as I'm concerned, they can consider that their little penance for an incident in which certain members made it an issue to attempt to publicly embarass me at this little dumbass faux religious pre-graduation ceremony because supposedly I had developed this little reputation among certain members of the staff as being, variously, a notorious homophobe and anti-semite.
When I wrote this, it was back before you could pretty much completely hijack the search engines with a decently designed blog (Do a Google on "The Mindset of a Champion" and choose "I'm Feeling Lucky"). Back then, I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get as many hits that whole time as I get in a day or so now. I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before one of our cast members ends up Googling their own names and finding this, to which I say fuck it. It's not like these assholes are paying for my bandwith and that crazy fucker Marvin bit me.
Plus, and I don't want to sound like I'm sweating myself or anything, but this shit is way too good to delete. I'm not sure how one goes about getting nominated for a Pulitzer, but if you're reading this and feel that that's appropriate in this case, feel free to go ahead and pursue the proper channels. You might have to hit me on the email to find out my address and everything. Or, alternatively, you could click on my little GeoURL to find my general coordinates and then kinda walk up and down my block until you can smell the Natty.