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May 14, 2004
Making the Band 2: Season 3 - Episode 10: Episode Summary
This is it, folks. The series finale of the most niggerish show in the history of television (maybe there's something worse on BET, but I don't watch BET). MTV spent the last couple weeks or so hyping this shit up, so it was kinda bound to be a bit of a let down. I knew nothing was really going to happen other than Diddy kicking Dylan out of the house and then disbanding the group just because, if anything did happen (say Dylan putting a shoe on Diddy), of course they would've shown it over and over again in previews like they've been known to do over at MTV.
The show (a special one hour episode) begins with what seems like 15 minutes worth of recapping everything that's led up to this last episode, as if anybody who watches this shit hasn't seen each episode about 10 times at this point. According to the little ticker at the bottom of the screen, Da Band is set to move out of P.Diddy's house in 4 days. I basically took this to mean that MTV or Lou Pearlman or whoever was about to stop cutting checks in 4 days and since Da Band has probably never generated much money other than from the show (you know, like album sales or concert money), it was only a matter of time until Diddy pulled the plug.
In that sense, I can't really feel sorry for these kids. In the two years that they've been doing this shit, they haven't managed to produce anything of any value other than the show itself. Even if they weren't the world's six most ridonkulous jackasses, the decision would eventually come down to a matter of economics. Case in point, during this episode Da Band is supposedly putting the finishing touches on what's supposed to be its second album (I wouldn't be surprised if it never comes out). According to Diddy, they've got maybe 4 out of 15 songs recorded that are good enough to be put on an album. Not 4 singles mind you, but 4 OK (by Diddy standards) songs.
Besides the point where they all get the boot, the best part of the episode to me was the stuff about Dylan finally tearing his proverbial drawers with Diddy and his gang of professional sycophants. It starts out with The Icon showing up at the studio at random and attempting to add his own special brand of vocals to a buncha songs that are supposedly already finished. He goes into the booth and starts kicking some shit that can only be described as Lenny Williams meets Wyclef Jean-trying-to-do-Bob Marley, if that makes any sense. Suffice it to say that the shit was amusing.
Old Tony Dofat (how are they going to have a hit working with him?) is clearly not impressed and orders Dylan to exit the booth. They (Old Tony and whoever else was in the studio) try to explain to him that he can't just go in there and do whatever he wants to do, especially on songs that are already more or less finished. To which Dylan responds, "I'm an artist. Art, that's what I do." Old Tony was just like whatever. Dylan walks out in a huff and, in a confessional, explains, "I make good music. Obviously, that's why I was picked."
On to the first of several meetings with P. Diddy. Diddy basically asks Da Band what is it going to take for you people to do anything at all that I could possibly sell (not an unreasonable request, I might add). Before anyone else could respond, Dylan raises his hand and is all like "I think right now we're all kinda stuck in Da Band, but eventually, we'd like to go solo." Diddy's response: Fuck what you want. Nobody asked you what you wanted to do. Also, I like the way MTV had that Jae Millz song playing in the background as Diddy is basically telling them their careers are over. Nice touch.
Next, for some reason unbeknownst to myself, Mary J. Blige and Da Band's Conflict of Interest Manager Phil Robinson (quickly becoming the most reprehensible person out of the whole series) show up in a big blue Bentley. Supposedly, she's there to give advice, which, to me is just comedy. Not to piss off any Mary J. Blige fans (who obviously already have enough problems without me adding to them), but the woman is not exactly known for her great career choices or mental stability in general, for that matter. She does have a voice, but I think it's been pretty much proven at this point that any jackass can rip off an old rap record or two and have a hit record (Mario Winans, anyone?).
Afterwards, COI Manager Phil asks Babysitter Manager Steve Urkel where is Dylan (he could've totally just gotten career advice from Mary J. Blige). Apparently, he hasn't been in the house since he walked out in a huff two days ago. Babs asks Sara whether or not she thought it would be cool to throw a party in Diddy's house. At first, Sara starts to say the right thing, but then she's like whatever. Babs and BM Steve Urkel go all the way to some $.99 store in Harlem to buy chips and soda and then to some other place to buy a bottle of champagne which must be good (according to Babs) because it costs $69.
The party, which looks like it basically amounted to inviting a buncha random hoods and low level Bad Boy staff to sit around in Diddy's living room, is eventually thrown. To Babs' surprise, Diddy actually shows up to his own house. He's clutching two bottles of champagne (not Cristal, interestingly enough), which would suggest that he knew there was a party being thrown in his house. He doesn't appear to be all too pissed other than to make it a note to tell everybody not to kick any holes in his walls. He also goes around and asks everybody where is Dylan, who hasn't been back around since the incident.
Diddy instructs BM Steve Urkel to, whenever Dylan makes another appearance at the house, order him to grab his shit and get to stepping. Dylan wanders in eventually, looking stoned or something and gets the bad news from Steve. He doesn't appear to be all that surprised or upset (STONED!) and goes and starts packing his shit. Chopper sees what's going on and claims that, if Dylan wants, he can go to Diddy and get him back in the group. Riiight. Dylan just kinda giggles (we know why) when, all of a sudden, Diddy walks in in a gold bathrobe and tells Dylan to not even bother packing his shit but get the fuck outta his house.
At this point, they coulda just kicked everybody else out and ended the show, but instead they decided to stretch it out for another half hour. Not a whole lot else happens other than a buncha random ass people tell Da Band they need to get their shit together, to which Da Band responds "Yes, we'll get our shit together." They have a meeting with COI Manager Phil where he basically explains why it's only a matter of time before Diddy gives them the boot (they're only getting offered 4 grand a show!). In another sad example of the "his self" epidemic, Diddy explains in a confessional how Dylan took the dream away from himself.
Long story short, Da Band has to go home for a week before they get the boot. A week later, they're supposed to be having a meeting with Diddy at 5, but it's a quarter after 6 and nobody's there. COI Manager Phil, in a fleshtone colored turtleneck looking like a black Gollum, has a meeting with some more of Diddy's crew of professional sycophants including some old looking, bald nigga with a Billy Dee Williams mustache named, of all things, Hiriam, shows just who it is he actually works for. His words: If they don't show up, we'll just tell them they don't get paid.
In the mean time in between, it looks like Chopper might've actually grown a dick. When COI Phil calls him up to ask him why he's not there, Chopper was just like "Fuck you, nigga!" In an amusing scene, Diddy is shown "remixing" the old Biggie record "Victory" by telling the engineer to "make it more dramatic." Greasy Lips Harve just kinda sits there and nods his shiny cueball shaped head. Da Band heads back to New York and checks into what they call a classy hotel (probably on their own dime) so they can have their little meeting with Diddy. Standing on the sidewalk, waiting for a cab to the office, Sara and Chopper talk mad greasy about Diddy.
Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: The fuck all of you, you're career is over meeting. Fred doesn't even bother to show up and of course Dylan isn't there. Diddy tells them that they've set a bad example for all of the kids out there who want to become rappers and then goes around the table to tell each one of them individually why they're worthless. Chopper and Sara (and Fred too, of course) get the boot completely. Babs and Ness (who looks like he's about to cry the whole time) are invited to stay on the label on a probationary basis.
There was what seemed like another 5 minutes or so of confessionals where Da Band goes on about how much they all like each other and how they'll always have each other's backs and that was basically it. Roll credits. It'll be interesting to see what becomes of these clowns, especially Babs and Ness, I wouldn't be surprised if not a whole lot happened to the rest of them.
Posted by Bol at 08:00 AM | Permalink
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