May 11, 2004
Let's hunt and kill Morgan Spurlock
On the outside chance that nobody's interested in reading my amazing story about how I used to get hammered and make fun of retarded kids every other day of the week, I figured I should probably go ahead and hunt and kill somebody too. I've been keeping track of your suggestions and I'm working on pieces on Avril Lavigne and John Basedow, in that order, but today I figured we might take a look at this fruit Morgan Spurlock (no homo, of course).
Morgan Spurlock, if you haven't heard, is this guy who ate nothing but McDonalds for 30 days straight, which had the effect of causing him to gain 30 pounds and "pickling" his liver. Now the 3 or 4 of you who read this and didn't go to high school with me might not know this, but I work the night shift at a White Castle. Have been now for a minute. I know your probably thinking that clearly somebody with my level of intellect and winning personality, should be doing something worthwhile with his life, like, I don't know, typing or something, but no.
I say all of this to say that, obviously, this Morgan Spurlock guy is either a liar, a pussy or both. You might think I'm bullshitting about this, but I was pretty much raised on fast food. My mom can cook in the sense that she can put random food items in a pot and heat them until they're limp, but she won't. In fact there aren't very many things she will do. Hence we had fast food every night of the week. And that was when I was a child. Since I've become an "adult," I've probably eaten fast food every day of my life, on the average. I can't really afford it when I'm not working there.
Not that I'm the picture of health or anything, but to hear this Morgan Spurlock tell it, my asshole should've exploded about 15 years ago. I can guarantee you my food intake is the least of the problems my liver will eventually face. I don't know what this Spurlock fellow's issue was, but I think it probably comes down to him being a pussy. He strikes me as the kind of cracka-ass cracka who, before he started this little experiment, subsisted on a diet of leaves and seeds.
Like any other news item, of course there's a racial aspect to this too. Now if he would've made a movie about how he had gone to China somewhere and gotten sick from the food, people would've dismissed him as being some kind of racist or whatever, but since he decided to attack McDonalds, a staple in the African American community (face it, niggas need McDonalds like McDonalds needs niggas), people act like he's some kind of maverick left wing genius.
Which brings me to my final point (since I am rambling a bit here), people like this Morgan Spurlock fellow, PETA, NARAL and the rest of these fruits make the left in this country seem like a buncha homos. Rather than, say make a film where he hunts and kills John Ashcroft, he makes a film that attacks McDonalds, which is mostly consumed by poor people and, most importantly, tastes fantastic.
Somebody make him stop. Please.
Byron Crawford a/k/a Bol is the celebrated author of several books, most recently NaS Lost: A Tribute to the Little Homey.
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Posted by Bol at 10:45 AM | Permalink
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» SUPER SIZE ME (DEBUNKED) from Blogumentary
Damn you Morgan Spurlock! Replace "America's fast-food obsession" with "blogs", and replace "you" with "me," and you pretty much have Blogumentary. At least, the Blogumentary in my head. You're funny, informative, and even intimately revealing. Hell, y... [Read More]