ByronCrawford.com

Fuck the troops

Supporting these people only encourages them.

First of all, happy Memorial Day. I don't know what everybody else is planning on doing, but I'll be standing on my feet flipping White Assholes for about 9 hours straight and then I plan on coming home and probably having a drink or 5. Since today is Memorial Day (or was it yesterday?), I figured it would be as good a time as any to remind those who need reminding that we as Americans don't have any obligation to sit here and pretend like we support our troops if all they're going to do is go places and fuck up. Throwing our support behind these people just because they're out there in harm's way will only encourage the President to send more and more of them over there. At some point, we just need to be like, "Fuck it."

It would be one thing if they were defending us from something, but they aren't. I could also see if these people were unfortunate enough to have been drafted, but they weren't. The fact that they even thought to sign up for the Army, especially after the attacks of 9/11 and what have you, means that, let's face it, these aren't our best or our brightest. If they signed up because they thought they were going over there to spread democracy, or whatever the excuse was at the time, then they're stupid and if they signed up because they thought that by doing so, they could make more than I'll make this year at The Asshole, then they're both stupid and dumb. Either way, I'm tired of pretending like I give a shit about them one way or the other.

Pat Tillman killed by "friendly" fire

It was right neighborly!

First of all, you just know the Army or whoever knew he got popped by one of his own guys and not in some Jessica Lynch-style, PR created hero scenario, but of course they had to let the hype die down a bit and wait until Memorial Day weekend to let that shit get out.

Fortunately, according to Rep. Trent Franks, R-Ariz., this shouldn't affect his status as a Hamas-style recruitment tool. "This does not take away one iota from the heroic nature and courage of the man. The source of that fire is of little consequence in terms of heroism," Franks said.

I'm going to go ahead and disagree and then go one step further and, depending on the results of the investigation, actually nominate him for a Darwin Award. You know, just to use his death to further my own cause. If the right can do it, why can't we?

Super Size Me: Movie Review

dir. Morgan Spurlock, USA 2004
I know I've done the whole Morgan Spurlock/Super Size Me thing before, but since I caught the movie the other day, of course I had to write about it. Plus everytime I would write something, usually about shit that didn't even have that much to do with the movie, people would come in here all like, "You haven't even seen the movie." So now I've seen it, beeyotch. I just eliminated the crux of some idiot's argument.

Dude, Where's My Country? by Michael Moore: Book Review

Nothing makes your average suburbanite "I continue to vote Republican in the face of logic and common sense" white guy more pissed off than the mention of Michael Moore. I didn't even realize it as much until I started working on this site, but everytime his name would come up, it would be like, "He's a horrible filmmaker and a liar and a fool and a racist!" As a writer, I can only hope to one day reach the level where the mention of my name produces such reactions in people.

As if he needed to, Michael Moore gives these people yet another reason to get all hot and bothered in his new book, Dude, Where's My Country?: He's going after Der Führer. His previous book, Stupid White Men already got into a buncha reasons why George W. Bush shouldn't have been and actually wasn't ever elected President in the first place, but this new book really gets into reasons why that clown should be run out of town on a rail, if not right now, then definitely in this next election.

Let's hunt and kill Kanye West's mother

I was already in a hunting and killing mood the other day when I picked up a copy of Rolling Stone that had been sitting around the break area at The Asshole. Then I flipped to an article by the infamous (rim jobber) Toure about this clown Kanye West. I'm sure you've seen it. It's the one with the thing about his caucusoid Jesus piece and also the one where he proclaims Mase the G.O.A.T.

I had already figured I'd hunt and kill him just because he's been known to say shit like, "After I finished with 'Jesus Walks' two weeks later I walk around with it and you can't tell me it's not hot. f#@$ you and your stupid ass ratings. Anybody who gives my album less than a perfect score is lowering the integrity of their own magazine. So either be a part of history or become it," but then I was like nah, that'd be too easy. An asshole on the level of a Kanye West deserves something special (no homo, of course).

Prince - Musicology: Album Review

Prince, Musicology (NPG/Columbia, 2004)
If anybody was due for a comeback this year, it was Prince. Of course there are plenty of acts that haven't had a hit since the early '90s, but most of them fucking suck. The guy who wrote both of the Gin Blossoms' hits is apparently dead. I think once Prince saw Carlos Santana making all of that money doing songs with that freak from the New Radicals, he was like, "Fuck it, I've got to pull my head out of my ass." Whatever that album was he came out with in 2000 was his first attempt, but there was some mess with the video not getting done on time and the songs were still a bit too weird for people to get into. This time, I think he might've actually overcorrected a bit, but, after the past 10 years or so, I'm hesitant to even complain.

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 21: Episode Summary

Greetings, bitches. I usually like to write these things on Wednesday mornings, but lately I've been having some technical difficulties.  Now it's like 5:30 in the evening and I didn't even have any coffee this morning, before I had about 5 beers over the course of the day, so bear with me. Fortunately, I've got this kind of writing down to such a science that there were at least a couple of times where I wrote summaries straight up and down trashed. Tired shouldn't be much of an issue.

Keep God out of Creve Coeur

I got up at about 9 something this morning and took a look out of the guest bedroom window. The neighborhood still looks like a fucking war zone. I brushed my teeth (to get rid of the shit taste of day-old Natty in my mouth) and logged on to the ol' BC dot C like I always do. I read some of last night's comments and responded to one and then, bam! The gotdamn power went out. I waited around for a while and even debated writing an episode summary of last night's Real World the old fashioned way (you know, with an ink pen and a notebook), but then I was like, "Fuck it." I went and had lunch somewhere and then I actually went to see an afternoon showing of Super Size Me. I might review it tomorrow or the next day or something, but there's still that episode summary to write and a buncha other shit I'm thinking about doing. And, of course, the power could go out again, in which case I may end going and picking up a bottle of S7 and calling it a night. We'll see.

Storm damage

Greetings, bitches. I was going to feed the beast this morning, but the gotdamn phone line was out and I eventually had to go to work. I get home and the whole neighborhood's a fucking mess. The streets are covered with leaves and sticks and there's ice on the ground. A lot of trees fell too. I'm going to try to get some pictures. I got some pictures. Click on them for full-size versions.

Super Size Me backlash

First of all, I just want to go on record as saying that I was one of the first people I know (maybe not the first person) to run an anti-Morgan Spurlock/Super Size Me story and so far I've yet to be contacted by any major media outlets. It did get mentioned by O-Dub, Hashim and this fellow (and maybe some other people), which was cool.

This week, Newsweek is running a story about some "heavy users" of fast food who aren't drinking the Morgan Spurlock Kool-Aid (no homo). According to the article, "heavy user" is fast-food industry parlance for the 20 percent of eaters who account for 60 percent of all fast-food sales. The typical heavy user is male, between the ages of 20 and 30 and extremely loyal to the burgers and fries he loves. I guess that would include myself. It's always nice to know which of marketers' little predefined segments you fit into.

Anyhoo, some of us heavy users are pissed off at this current health-conscious siege on the fast-food industry, including everything from McDonalds' ridonkulous Adult Happy Meals (LOL) to Burger King trying to sell shrimp salads, and especially resent this clown Morgan Spurlock trying to tell us that we'll be dead within the month if we eat too much Macs. Says one guy in the article, "[I] would have to be stupid not to know that you can't eat only burgers and fries and not exercise."

Fortunately, it sounds like Mickey Ds knows better than to go fucking with any of its real heavy hitters. "The Quarter Pounder with Cheese or the Big Mac--those items will not be touched," says Dennis Lombardi, fast-food industry consultant.

Finally, I'd just like to say that if anybody from McDonalds is reading this and is interested in having me ride down on this fool Morgan Spurlock, hit a brother up on the email. We can work something out.