D12 - D12 World: Album Review

D12, D12 World (Shady/Aftermath, 2004)
On the one hand, it would be kind of cool to be one of Eminem's untalented black homeboys--riding around the country in Escalade limos, getting to bang all of Slim Shady's leftovers. On the other hand, you'd always know in the back of your mind that you're basically a no talent. If you weren't one of Eminem's black friends, you'd probably be working the flower table at a Popeye's or, in Bizarre's case, with the rest of the crazies at Malcolm Bliss. And you know what, I think that's a trade off I could pretty much live with. If I was a member of D12, I'd be trying to make sure Eminem was on my album as often as possible. I'd definitely try to make sure that his big ugly mug was on the cover and that all of the songs on there were about his wife and kids. The other thing I'd probably focus on is making sure Eminem didn't do any beats on the album. Why? So it didn't suck, that's why. Mess around and fuck up my check.

GIT UP

Take for example this first beat. It's not any good. This is definitely not the kind of thing I could see any black people wanting to listen too. You might be saying "Well black people don't really buy Eminem albums anyway." And actually, I don't have much of a comeback for that. It's basically true.

LOYALTY (FEAT. OBIE TRICE)

Ooh, when I went to the store the other day to buy this shit, for about $17 no less, I was kind of on the fence as to whether or not I would actually pick this up, but then I saw "Featuring Obie Trice" and I just knew I had to have it. I definitely knew which one he was when he started rapping and was aware that he wasn't already in the group.

JUST LIKE U

See, it's kinda like that "Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?" song, only this time with a bunch of kids singing "I wanna be just like you when I grow up." So yeah, basically the only reason I've heard this song about 8 times in the past couple days is because Bizarre's on it. That kid's a fucking riot.

I'LL BE DAMNED

I'll be damned if it's not another one of these shitty Eminem keyboard beats. Actually, this might even be somebody else's shitty keyboard beat because it's bordering on listenable.

DUDE (SKIT)

This is like the beginning to the "My Band" video only stretched out to 1:14 and not as funny. If I hadn't already seen the video, I'm not even sure I would understand the concept of this.

MY BAND

I actually kinda enjoy this one. Eminem's verse, Bizarre's verse especially and the part at the end when Eminem starts singing about his salsa are all rather amusing. If you don't like this Eminem beat, I'd steer way clear of this album if I were you (yeah, it's like that).

U R THE ONE

You know that one Snoop Dogg song that goes "U r the one, u r the one, u r the one ooh ooh" (actually, there could be several of them)? It's like that, only way shittier. The beat is bad even as far as Eminem's shitty keyboard beats go.

6 IN THE MORNING

6 in the morning, Jo is at my door. Talking about I needed to go to the grocery store to buy some milk. I was like "Nigga, fuck that shit." So I get back from the store and he's like "This is 2%; I only drink 1/2%." I was like "What the fuck? I didn't even know they made 1/2% milk."

HOW COME

I should probably mention that that last song (which has nothing to do with milk), sounds a lot like "Lose Yourself" and this one sort of sounds like "Moment of Clarity." In fact, a lot of songs on here either sound like "Lose Yourself" or "Moment of Clarity." If that's your thing (and I don't think that's anybody's thing) then this might be some kind of personal jackpot.

LEAVE DAT BOY ALONE

Mail a copy of this shit to the Vatican.

GET MY GUN

They should've totally released this shit last Tuesday, on the 5th anniversary of that Columbine shit. They could've capitalized on the cross-promotion. Somebody get me on the phone with Jimmy Iovine.

BIZARRE (SKIT)

Back when I was like 13 I always figured I would reach a certain point in my life when making fun of retarded people would cease to be funny, but now I'm starting to realize that no, I won't ever.

BITCH

Ooh, I'm sure the ladies will love this. Honestly, if this one had an even listenable beat, it would probably become some kind of personal anthem, not unlike that song "Superman."

STEVE'S COFFEE HOUSE (SKIT)

A 0:51 folksinger version of "Purple Pills."

D-12 WORLD

Usually when the title track is not the first song on the album that just means it's not any good. If it was up to me, I would've probably called it Eminem Is on This.

40 OZ.

40 oz. are cool and all but I kinda prefer those tall, I think they're 21. oz cans. With a 40, that last 1/5 or so of the bottle is always so nasty regardless of how fast you drink it. Also, did anybody notice that they borrowed this concept from that other white/black rap group from back in the day? I wonder if that was intentional. What's next, "Ice Ice Baby?"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

You know who's not a very good rapper? Young Zee.

AMERICAN PSYCHO 2 (FEAT. B-REAL)

Ooh, sounds like Dre might've done this beat. Talk about a fucking oasis in the desert. This is what I was talking about when I was saying I would make sure Em didn't do any of the beats on my shit.

BUGZ 97 (SKIT)

You know who makes Young Zee sound like Biggie Smalls? Bugz.

GOOD DIE YOUNG

Here's a novel idea for a song: A dedication to some rapper's dead homeboy. It was so good they made it almost 6 minutes long cuz they knew you'd just want more of it.

KEEP TALKIN (BONUS TRACK)

Do albums that are 20 tracks and 74 minutes long need bonus tracks, especially if said bonus track is not in the least bit different from any of the rest of the shit on the album?

Honestly, I can't hate on D12 for trying to separate as many 12-year-old cracka-ass crackas from their allowance as possible, but you do kinda get the feeling that as long as they were going to make an album, at least they could've made something worth listening to. Eminem and Bizarre are just plain amusing (to my dumb ass, at least) and the rest of those dudes wouldn't sound bad over the right production, but I guess they weren't in any position to say "Eminem, your beats fucking suck. Let's just go get Dr. Dre or whoever it is he's got doing his beats these days." Because that's what I would've said.