ByronCrawford.com

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 14: Episode Summary

Bertini the Snake vs. Marilyn the Mouse
This episode, for whatever reason, begins with Robin and Cameran sitting outside Santana's looking all stupid. The rest of the gang pull up in the big, yellow generic SUV: "Get in the goddamn car, your late!" LOL. Another episode of "Robin's World" takes place in the car on the way to work.

The gay guy mentions that there might be some confusion about the bonuses, which made me wonder: How the fuck do you get a bonus at a job where you don't even show up on time? What kind of phony MTV bullshit is that? I'm not sure how it works exactly, other than that it involves teamwork: If one person fucks up, nobody gets paid. This should be fun.

Frankie starts bitching about Robin, which, I guess is what this episode is supposed to be about. I was hoping she would just go over and punch the girl in her tits. For my own personal amusement. Ja brings up Jello wrestling. Shit, that'll work too! I know it's been a while since he's had a chance to give his nanny cam a workout.

The girls go pet shopping. Jamie picks up a turtle and it pees on her. Oddly, she looks not the least bit disturbed. You know those Asian and their "rare taste." Frankie's interested in getting a snake, which upsets Cameran.

Cameran: Get a real pet. Don't get a frickin... um, shit, what's it called, reptile!

She eventually finds one she likes, but she doesn't have the cash so she puts in on snake layaway. LOL.

Meanwhile, your boy Brad is getting kicked out of his house! LOL, again. Seriously though, it sounds like his mom is trying to scare him into selling his motorcycle. You know them crackas aren't about to kick their own kid out into the street like that. He could get robbed or something. Hell, somebody might try to sell him drugs.

Frankie brings the snake home and names it Bertini after a brand of snake skin shoes. She also brings home a little white feeder mouse that it's supposed to eat, but it won't do it. It's probably retarded. Can snakes be retarded?

After a while, she takes the mouse and puts it in a paper bag and then puts the whole thing in this metal Hello Kitty box. What is this bitch, crazy? Eventually, she goes and gets it out and amazingly, the thing's not dead. I wouldn't be surprised if MTV had something to do with that. Meanwhile, Robin falls in love with the thing and convinces Frankie to give it to her. Robin thinks their some deep significance to it, but Frankie thinks she's just trying to draw attention to herself.

Brad has his parents send him some clothes in the mail and with the clothes, they send him a buncha bills. Man, that's some cold shit! Obviously, he can't pay 'em w/ this $200 a week sailing job. They're going to have to get that bonus! He calls his parents and they're like "Yeah, you can move back in, but you have to follow some guidelines." LOL

Robin and Cameran do a confessional with the mouse, who they named Marilyn. Robin likes mice because they eat cheese and not other animals. She's even talking about starting a halfway house for all of the mice Bertini doesn't eat. Is this bitch serious? Also, it takes a shit on her, if you're interested in that sort of thing. And I know you are!

The episode ends with Frankie and Robin's little anticlimactic confrontation. Basically, the two of them and Jamie are talking about Big Rand when Frankie compares Robin to a slut because she dances on bars (Now that's just wrong!). Robin responds "But I'm not like that!"

Frankie: "Yeah, but..."

Robin: "But I'm not like that!"

Frankie: "Ooh, she drives me nuts!"

And then Frankie called her "a cheerleader gone bad" and that was basically it.

Next episode: Frankie is a cutter. Ho shit!

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 13: Episode Summary

Randy and the Toothless Girl
Yay, a sailing and cystic fibrosis episode! Sadly, it doesn't involve Frankie actually getting sick on the boat. Shit, MTV could use another Pedro.

The kids' alarm goes off at 11:39 (wtf?) for a job that starts at noon. The Asian girl's all angry. Damnit, Asians like to get to places on time! By the time they actually get there, it's 12:35. The gay guy who runs the operation throws a little fit.

As I've already gone over before, their job basically involves turning a little crank and pulling some rope (LOL) every now and again. Of course that's way too much work for Frankie, who just kinda stands there and looks stupid the whole time. The gay guy puts it out there: If anybody has a problem doing the work, come tell me about it and we'll work something out. Ooh, he crossed the line there!

Big Rand, who I swear must be hanging out outside high schools, invites some meat over. The one he's putting the moves on looks like a 13-year-old w/ the worlds most fucked up grill. I am not even bullshitting. The only thing you could really compare it to was Robert McNamara's teeth in The Fog of War and at least he was old.

But wait, that's not even it. They're all outside eating sunflower seeds when somehow, the conversation turns to teeth, which prompts Erin, or whatever her name is, to pop one of her teeth out. Eww! I'd've kicked the bitch out my house right away. Instead, Big Rand goes upstairs and makes out with her. Double eww! He can't even claim that shit was the alcohol.

Also, apparently the girl had extensions. Now that's just wrong!

Another day of work. The gang's all walking around the house looking as if they were on their way to a funeral. Jamie's all pissed off about the time again. Frankie coughs on the boat like twice or something and then she sorta kinda has it out with the gay guy. He pretty much blows her off.

Group Meeting: Time to quit this fucking cakewalk! Everybody voices their concerns, basically they're all a bunch of lazy fags. They put it to a vote. The result: 6 to 1. Jacquese is no quitter!

He calls his mom and tells her and she basically tells him "You need to tell those lazy fags to go back to work." I'm sure there's some other story here that we aren't aware of, like maybe Ja is sending his checks back home so his mom can pay off her rent to own leather couches or some shit. Yeah, that's probably what it is.

Somehow, they all decide to go back to the job. They probably asked MTV, who said hell no they couldn't quit. Brad thinks if they stick with it, they'll learn some deep lesson. Frankie informs the gay guy that she'll have to wear more clothes in the fall lest she get sick. What a novel concept!

Toothless Bitch tries to call Big Rand, but he has Frankie run the interference. His plan: to avoid her for a while until the whole thing blows over.

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 12: Episode Summary

Andrea Comes to Town
Brad's girlfriend Andrea is coming to town this episode. Oh, goody! Those are always pretty good episodes. Her flight's coming in at 9:55, so Brad sets his alarm for 9:30. That way he'll have plenty of time to hose off before he goes to pick her up. Frankie's certain Cameran's gonna have issues w/ the situation. Brad disagrees, so the two of them put $10 on it.

The gang is headed to some dumbass frat party where Brad and Big Rand will share a bottle of Jack in addition to whatever they drink off the keg. Awesome!

Brad: I'm coming home w/ a pledge pin!

The party, in some frat boy's apartment, looked like it was pretty gay. Brad was clearly fucked up and acting like a monkey. Some random frat boys were just standing there looking at him like he was crazy. Long story short, he ends up in the drunk tank again.

They let him out at what must've been pretty early in the morning. I'm not really sure how the time works out there in California. For all I know it could've been 4 am. Brad has no way of getting home so he tries to hitchhike. One guy rides by on a little Il Faggio and Brad yells "Pull over, fuckface!"

Eventually, he makes it home and passes out for a few minutes before his alarm goes off. He heads off to the airport to pick up Andrea who sort of resembles a broke Jennifer Aniston w/ a much worse tan. They get back to the house and Cameran starts in right away w/ her shit, running around holding her stomach, yelling "I've gotta get this burrito out!"

Brad and Andrea go out to a resturant. He asks her what she's thinking and she says "I was just hoping to get some insight." To which Brad says "I was hoping to get me some insight!"

Andrea: "You're just talking about the physical aspect."

Byron: "Duh, bitch!"

Meanwhile, back at the fish factory: Ja gives Cameran some advice on the Santana's, to go soak. Robin suggests she go smoke a cig (wtf?) because it relaxes your anal hole. Her words, not mine.

Big Rand shows up with a gang of teeny boppers. One of them kinda looks like a broke Penelope Cruz only way more busted looking. Brad does his Drunk Brad routine, including an explanation of the Mickey's Pose. Andrea is clearly not amused and just sits there and looks stupid.

Later, Big Rand brings all of the teeny boppers into the confessional where they all discuss Randy's "huevos." Hmm, they must all be in Spanish II together or some shit. Then, all of a sudden, that crazed bitch Andrea walks through and slams the door to the little guest bedroom. The teeny boppers all giggle and squeal. Brad follows her in.

Brad: "Girl, what's wrong with you."

Andrea: "Why don't you go sleep with your loser friends."

Brad: Alright, grab your shit. Let's go."

To which she rolls over and shuts the fuck up the way she needed to have done in the first place. The next day they have one of those dumbass "where is this relationship going" conversations. Andrea explains that she thought this was going to be a vacation. No, a vacation would involve you doing more than showing up for a day and acting all stuck up. Namely, screwing.

She leaves. Frankie confronts Brad about giving her her $10 over the whole Cameran thing. Brad disagrees but gives her the 10 spot anyway before Cameran overhears. He doesn't need Frankie fucking his shit up.

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 11: Episode Summary

Party in the Escalade Limo
Yippee, another working epsiode! Or at least sitting on the boat. They show a rather goofy looking shot of Big Rand and Robin calls him a big goof and wonders why she ever liked him in the first place. Yeah, I'm sure he's way below her usual high standards.

Rand somewhere picked up a flyer for a beach party (Has he been hanging out outside of high schools?) and the gang decides to go. It was pretty dark on the beach and you couldn't really see a whole lot, but from what I saw it looked pretty gay.

Robin, fed up w/ not getting any to the point of being jealous of Frankie, grabs the first guy she sees and goes for a walk down the beach while everybody is getting ready to leave, which leads to another episode of "Robin's World."

Big Rand: "You let your friends know where your going off by yourself w/ strange men!"

Back at the converted fish resturant, Cameran brags about meeting a guy w/ a see through shirt. Wow, everybody's got something going on this episode. If I ever travel to the South, remind me to bring my see through shirt. Shit might mess 'round get me some action!

So supposedly this guy and his people are somehow hanging out in "the most unbelievable playboy mansion style house" which leads Jacquese to immediately announce that he's most definitely "a director of porn." I wouldn't be surprised if Ja just recognized the guy's name from his collection.

Robin calls up Mike and sets up a date. In preparation, she puts on the tightest t-shirt in the history of shirts, turns and asks Cameran "Does this look cute?" Cameran's like "Yeah, that's just not a very good mirror." They go out on the world's lamest date. As far as I can tell, the whole thing consisted of walking through a parking lot and sitting on a park bench or a bus stop or some shit.

Meanwhile Frankie, Jamie and Cameran have got their own thing going on. That one tool Adam is coming to pick them up in an Escalade limo to go to the fake Playboy mansion. Ja tried to warn the girls what was going on, but they didn't want to hear it. He was right though. If I picked up a girl in an Escalade limo and she had the nerve not to have sex with me, I'd probably slap. At the very least, I doubt I'd be talking to her again.

They stop at a club and pick up some old guys who proceed to get it on with some young skanks in the back of the Escalade. Awesome! Definitely what I plan on doing once I move out of my parent's house. Also, I wasn't feeling Cameran's little feigned outrage at the fact that the guys were a lot older than their meat. Dumb fucking women and their dumb fucking feminist pretensions.

They get to the place and Cameran starts doing that dumbass dance she's always doing for literally about 30 seconds before they got kicked right the fuck out. Turns out that one guy Ryan stole a $150,000 car and crashed it, which led to him being bitchslapped by somebody and sent home. Cameran throws another one of her "angry southern woman" fits and they have to jump a fence to exit the premises.

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 10: Episode Summary

More Robin's World Bullshit
Episode 10 begins with the gang working again for the first time since forever. Not that they really do a whole lot at their dumbass job other than ride around on a boat and turn this little crank every once in a while. Robin and Cameran gossip about Frankie's little thing last episode with the guy out on the deck. They call her Frankie the Freaknik.

OK, timeout. While I'm typing this shit I'm listening to our little campus radio station and they're running this commercial for some shit called the Lifeline Pregnancy Center with the music from Ben Folds Five's "Brick" playing in the background. Hell no, dude. That's just wrong!

Back to our regularly scheduled program. I was hoping Frankie would just toss that bitch right over the side of the boat. Strip her first, of course, and then just toss her to the sharks. I also thought it was kinda lame how they were all going on about Adam. Yeah, the guy's a fucking simp, but that shit right there was just jealousy. Clearly both of those girls were in desperate need of a hot beef injection.

Which brings us to the next scene (probably not, my notes are fucked up): Another night on the town. Most of the gang is going to this one place, but Ja elects to do his own thing. His roomies don't know how to act and being black, he's probably got warrants or some shit. Jamie goes with him so she can complain to him about all of the white people in the house. Of course, he doesn't capitalize.

Again, on an unrelated note, the other day I tried to kick some of my "anti-american game" at this French chick and that shit didn't work at all. She actually looked at me like I was crazy. Bitch, at least I'm a citizen!

OK, where were we? This whole little scene was fucking stupid. Robin tells Cameran that she's going to look out for her the whole night lest she get kidnapped or something and then promptly runs off to pursue her own agenda. Cameran sees some people wiping coke from their noses and has one of her "angry southern woman" moments that she has every episode.

She heads outside and bitches to Big Rand and the rest of the assholes. They respond by getting on Robin's case as if she was Cameran's mom or some shit. Even if she said she was going to, what kind of grown person needs somebody to follow them around in a club all goddamned night. Robin responds the only way she knows how, by slapping people and hitting them w/ her purse.

Frankie calls up Dave and tries to apologize for tries her damndest to cheat on and he's sorta kinda not really buying it, which leads to one of the more amusing confessionals this season. Frankie complains that he's sending her on an emotional roller coaster: Some days he's cool, some days he's like "You're gone, bitch!" Also, turns out he has no idea she has cystic fibrosis and'll be dead soon.

The next day, she goes to the mall w/ the rest of the girls and has "Dave Rocks" sewed into one of those dumbass trucker hats. The little Mexican who works in the hat kiosk starts to laugh until he realizes she's dead serious. He asks her who Dave is (Could've been the Diamond One) and she tells him it's her bf.

She calls Dave again, I guess to tell him about his new hat. He's in a rather sullen mood. He must've just got through listening to some EMO. That shit always makes me sad. He tells her that she should go outside and look at the moon.

She goes out and looks and of course it's not there, obscured by clouds. She starts to throw a little hissy fit and actually starts to lean pretty far over the edge. Far enough that I'm surprised that they didn't one of the gay guys come out from behind the camera and intervene RW8 Ruthie-stylee. Actually, I was hoping she'd fucking fall. That shit would've been hilarious. The moon eventually emerges and she brings her dumb ass down.

The next day, Robin and Frankie and then Robin and Brad have some pretty gay conversations about things Robin needs to work on like not being such a psycho hose beast lest they end the episode with some plot threads left unresolved. A rather anticlimactic ending to an overall pretty gay episode.

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 9: Episode Summary

Frankie the Freaknik
Episode numero 9 begins with Frankie and Jacquese on their way to some bar to meet Frankie's new meat, Adam. Why your boy Ja is going to a bar with Frankie to meet some other guy is beyond me. He should be out trying to get some action for himself. While Frankie is there talking to her little fag emo guy friend, you can see a few shots of Ja sitting on a couch w/ some guy whispering in his ear. Sweet nothings?

Adam offers Frankie some new tattoos (as if...), but she explains that she has to OK any new tattoo artists with her boyfriend Dave because not doing so would upset him even more than if she banged some other guy. Makes me wonder if she's speaking from experience. And then she goes on to describe her various piercings (2 in each nipple = whoa!).

Frankie gets home and meets Robin and Cameran, who's all like "Frankie likes Adam!" in the most annoying voice imaginable. Bitch, get a life! Frankie responds, "Yeah, but not like that," which I'm assuming means "I won't let him give me any tattoos but I'll get wasted in front of him and see whether or not he'll violate me (the only kind of sex I apparently enjoy)."

Meanwhile Brad and Randy are out on the deck discussing Cameran, who obviously has some kind of 5th grade thing for Brad since she's always hovering over him and trying to punch him in his dick (wtf?). Brad figures if he gets really hard up he might "cash in" on this crush, but first they'll go down to the beach and see if they can find some trim that's not retarded.

The next day or something, they throw a kegger. Some fellow named Walker shows up w/ mad bitches: Young ones, ones w/ titties, basically all the kinds Byron likes. Brad tries to pick up on this one named Kristen who had a nice tan but a little bit of a gut. Still, not that bad looking. They have some weird conversation about shoes that basically went like this:

Brad: Nice flats.

Kristen: But they're worn out.

Brad: Yeah, I don't like shoes anyway.

I'll have to try that one out one of these days. The whole time, Cameran is hovering over them like the little psycho hose beast that she is until she's finally had enough and runs and jumps in the bed w/ Robin who tries to comfort her by informing her that Brad likes her on a different level (There's more than 1 level?). I can think of a few ways in which she could comfort me. Several.

Brad's action eventually goes home. He takes a few more hits off of the keg like a real man should and then goes into the girl's room to holler at Cameran. She calls him a "typical boy." What would she prefer for him to be, a typical girl? Brad's response: "You're misinterpretating the situation." Well put, bro.

The next day or whenever, the girls go to eat dinner in a mall food court (wtf?) and have a discussion about cheating. Robin admits that she's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had. Frankie has too, but hers don't count because she was drunk and therefore it wasn't intentional. Jamie won't even hold hands w/ another guy b/c Chinamen don't play that shit.

Later on, Frankie puts on her best Hello Kitty shirt and downs a bottle of probably J. Roget or something in preparation for her date with Adam. Looks like somebody's about to get herself some EMO wang. Or is she? The guy shows up and she takes him out on the deck and pounces on him and wiggles a bit, but I guess homeboy wasn't feeling it. I don't blame him.

Oh, and the whole time, that dumb ass "Screaming Infedelities" song was playing on the soundtrack. Nice touch.

Frank the skank goes inside to call up Dave and try and patch things up (yeah, a smart move in her condition...), but before she has a chance to fuck things up even further, she passes out w/ the phone in her hand.

The next day she emerges w/ a green bath towel over her head. Robin is sporting one of the world's better t-shirts. She heads for the unisex bathroom where Jacquese happens to be rubbing water on his face in one of those little girl's makeup mirrors (again, wtf?).

Later, out on the deck, Ja announces that something happened out there last night. He's a bootyologist, you see. I should mention that the whole time, Robin is climbing all over him like a fucking jungle gym (clearly a sign of consent), but of course he doesn't so much as cop a feel. He pretty much shoves her away and drops to his knees to see if he can smell Adam's jism in the carpet.

Finally, the gang all goes out to a hookah bar and Brad and Cameran have a little weird encounter in the men's room. The whole night she was doing her kneeing him in the balls routine so I guess Brad figured it was time to "cash in." He whispers in her ear that he's going to pee. She joins him in the men's room where he pees in the trash can and then tries to kiss her. She squeals "Brad, no!" and runs out. Fuck kinda shit is that?

Choose and lose, bitch!

Choose or Lose - John Kerry: Your Questions, His Answers
LOL at this old cracka bringing up "Cop Killer." Fuck is this, 1992?

Also, not to get all racist and shit, but JFK's daughter has the hook nose to end all hook noses. You could fucking bounce a quarter off that shit.

Excitebike, bitch!

Nintendo Launches Classic NES Games For GBA SP

The Games are, Like, Way Awesome, and the New Game Boy Advance SP is Bitchin'

Wait 'til you hear! On June 7, Nintendo is going totally retro with a classic collection of eight Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) games for the Game Boy Advance and a tubular new Game Boy Advance SP that looks like an itty bitty NES console. The '80s were, like, a long time ago. But everything from then is way cool again. Back then, games went from blocky bleeps and bloops to sweet side-scrollers like Super Mario Bros. And the most excellent NES saved the day for the video game industry. Bonus!

$20 a piece for some shit everybody already bought going on 20 years ago, those fags!

OK, where's my wallet?

Not unless being gay is a religion

Religion to blame?

Did scientology come between Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz?

A source who knows the couple, but has not talked with either since they announced that they were no longer an item, says that Cruz was "dragging her feet" when it came to converting to Cruise's controversial religion, reports MSNBC.com.

"She had taken some courses, but she was resisting taking the plunge and there was no way they'd stay together unless she converted," said the source, who pointed out that scientology is suspected to have been a factor in Cruise's split from ex-wife Nicole Kidman.

"I hear that Cruz's family was very much opposed to scientology."

Fucking anti-Scientologist bigots! I thought we already went over this.

Byron's getting in the bottled water bidness

Coca - Cola Admits That Dasani is Nothing But Tap Water

LONDON - It made for great headlines, but the fact that the UK version of Coca-Cola's Dasani brand bottled water comes out of the London public supply should hardly have come as a surprise.

"Coke's in hot water," "Eau dear" and "The real sting" were three good examples of the newspaper headline writer's art, but the only real difference between Dasani and many other bottled waters is that the humble origin of the product is firmly in the spotlight.

Figures from independent beverage research company Canadean show that at least two out of every five bottles of water sold around the world are, like Dasani, "purified" waters, rather than "source" waters which originate from a spring.

Dude, I need to start my own bottled water company: "PenceFo Springs Purified Water." I could bottle that shit right here in my room and sell cases of it over the Internet for premium prices. Especially if I could find a way to get some famous rappers to shill for it. J-Kwon, if you're reading this...