ByronCrawford.com

Byron's Gubment homework

Good afternoon bitches. For this dumbass Gubment class that I'm in, I'm supposed to be keeping this current events journal. I guess the idea is that you'd write an entry each week and at the end of every six weeks you'd turn it in. Instead I figured I'd just wait 'til the end of the first six weeks and write the whole thing in one day.

When I woke up the other day, I had a sneaking suspicion that those first six entries might've been due. I took a look at the syllabus to make sure they won't. Shit, they were. "No big deal," I thought, "I can write like a champ." I sat down and rattled off six and was done with an hour to spare. I printed off a copy and took it to class and damnit if it wasn't due 'til Monday. I would've known that had I been in class Wednesday.

Anyhoo, what I managed to come up with was more akin to the kind of shit I might post here even though I hadn't actually planned it that way. But since it did, I figured I'd might as well go ahead and post it. Some dumb kid might be able to copy it and turn it in for his own Gubment class. I had planned on doing this last night, but the Natty ended up getting the best of me before I got a chance to so here we go again.

Here's the assignment:

Using current events materials, students will be required to keep a journal discussing how current issues or events relate to ideas read in the text or discussed in class. Each week the student should write one or two journal entries of 300 words each. The student may pick text topics from earlier in the semester or later in the semester (if the student reads ahead) as long as a variety of topics are chosen. The current events material must come from the period of the semester when the journals are written. For example, the first set of journals must come from articles written during the period of January 12th to February 24th. Please cite the source where you read about the issue or event you are discussing in your journal entry. Most often the source should be an article in Newsweek (or other newsmagazine), but other sources such as a newspaper article could be used. If a source other than Newsweek is used, please include a photocopy of the first page of the source. Also, do not forget to cite pages from the text where the concept or concepts illustrated by the journal entry are found. Over the course of the semester you will turn in 15 entries which will total 75 points.

And here's what I came up with. I think this might be the version that I didn't bother to proofread or spellcheck, but the other version is on another computer so you'll just have to deal with it.

LS is a quitter

Conversation between myself and my little brother last night:

THE J STATION: I'm quitting drinking.

MYSELF: Um... Why?

THE J STATION: I just had the worst week ever.

MYSELF: You mean besides throwing up Saturday night/Sunday morning? What else happened?

THE J STATION: Basically I have no recollection of anything that happened between 10 o'clock Saturday and noon on Monday.

MYSELF: Oh.

We'll see how long this lasts. I remember one time I quit going to Taco Bell for similar reasons and that only lasted a couple of weeks. But drinking? Man, I don't know...

ALSO: Your boy Chaz is engaged now.

Well I guess this settles it

'Jews Killed Jesus' Sign Causing Controversy
I've always been a big fan of stupid sayings on church billboards, but this could go down as the all time grand champion of them.

DENVER -- A billboard unveiled on Ash Wednesday, the same day that a controversial movie depicting the last hours of Jesus Christ premiered, is sparking criticism from people of all faiths.

The large-size outdoor marquee, which sits on the property of the Lovingway United Pentecostal Church at Colorado and Mississippi, says, "Jews Killed The Lord Jesus" and the word "Settled!"

"Immediately, I picked up the phone and called the pastor and had a spirited but good and respectful discussion with him in which I tried to explain to him that that kind of message is divisive and exactly the kind of message which has fueled anti-Semitism for thousands of years."
--Bruce DeBoskey, the Mountain States Regional Director for the Anti-Defamation League

Yeah, but...

"If I can get people to rediscover their bible...if I can get people to go back and look...what does it actually say?"
--Maurice Gordon, pastor of the Lovingway United Pentecostal Church

Going to be with Jesus

Woman Collapses During Showing of "The Passion Of The Christ"
I remember some shit like this supposedly happened during a screening of Pulp Fiction back when I was in the 8th grade, but then it turned out to be bullshit.

Nothing like the real thing

I Did It for Science: Sex Doll by Grant Stoddard
Happy Ash Wednesday to all of my hardcore Catholic readers. Especially you, Mel Gibson.

He's rich, bitch!

Fitz, the guy who comments, recently got a check in the mail from the settlement of that big class action lawsuit against record companies for price fixing on CDs a couple of years ago.

I remember my parents saw an ad for this in the paper and tried to get me to get into it, but I didn't really feel like going through the hassle. Just think, a few minutes of my time a couple of years ago and I would've had enough money today to get... I don't know, a case of beer? Shit!

Since he decided to go through the trouble of transcribing the whole thing and emailing it to me, I figured I might as well go ahead and post it. After all, what have I got better to do? (The answer: Your mom.)

Dear Missouri Music Purchaser:

As lead counsel for the Private Class Plantiffs, we are pleased to enclose payment for your claim in the settlement of the Compact Disc Minimum Advertised Price Antitrust Litigation. This lawsuit was brought by the Attorneys General of 43 states and three territories and by counsel for ptivate class plantiffs of purchasers of musical CDs.

You filed your claim on www.MusicCDSettlement.com, and the check must be cashed by May 20, 2004.

Kohn, Swift & Graf, P.C

And there you have it.

The passion of the twinkie

Two thumbs up for 'The Passion'
Did anybody catch "Ebert and Roeper at the Movies" this weekend? Me neither. Heard about it though.

The two of them gave "The Passion" their trademark "two thumbs way up" seal of approval. Ebert called it "a great film":

"It's the only religious movie I've seen, with the exception of 'The Gospel According to St. Matthew' by [Italian director Pier Paolo] Pasolini, that really seems to deal with what actually happened," said Ebert, who is the Sun-Times film critic.

And, since I know how much people care what this guy says, Roeper added:

"This is the most powerful, important and by far the most graphic interpretation of Christ's final hours ever put on film. Mel Gibson is a masterful storyteller, and this is the work of his lifetime. You have to admire not just Gibson for his vision and his directing abilities, but Jim Caviezel [as Christ] and the rest of the cast."

This was probably the most special quote of the whole show, having to do with the charges of anti-semitism be levied at the film:

"I hope people will see this movie for themselves and then judge. I don't think the movie is anti-Semitic. Christ was born as a Jew, his disciples were Jewish. Yes, [in the movie] some Jewish priests call for his death. [But] they're threatened by his assault on their establishment. Institutions protect their power structures. [Besides] most of the Jews in this movie are horrified by what they see."

You know, some asshole could have a field day with that. I would, but I've got class. In fact, I think I will be delving into that issue in depth later on tonight.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug

Bobby Brown Jailed in Probation Violation
Your boy Bobby Brown got locked up again this weekend, this time for violating the terms of his probation on a prior drunken driving condition.

They aren't really saying how he violated probation, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was for laying the smack down a coupla months ago. But then again, maybe he was just coked up or some shit.

If I was him, I'd have somebody talk to his lawyer about a writ of habeas corpus. Bobby's gonna put the fucking system on trial!

More on She Hate Me

Synopsis from the Sony Pictures Classics site:

Wharton-educated biotech executive John Henry "Jack" Armstrong (Anthony Mackie) gets fired when he informs on his bosses launching an investigation into their business dealings by the Securities & Exchange Commission. Branded a whistle-blower and therefore unemployable, Jack desperately needs to make a living. When his former girlfriend Fatima (Kerry Washington), a high powered businesswoman and now a lesbian, offers him cash to impregnate her and her new girlfriend Alex (Dania Ramirez), Jack is persuaded by the chance to make "easy" money. Word spreads and soon Jack is in the baby-making business at $10,000 a try. Lesbians with a desire for motherhood and the cash to spare are lining up to seek his services. But, between the attempts by his former employers to frame him for security fraud and his dubious fathering activities, Jack finds his life, all at once, becoming very complicated.

I'll be there because it's Spike and because it involves lesbians, but I don't know. Just based off of the premise, this might not be Spike's finest hour. I never heard of any of these actors either.

Spike Lee being Spike Lee

Oscars? Spike Lee don't need no stinkin' Oscars.
It's always good to see something about Spike Lee in the news, even if you have to go to foxnews.com to find it. 'Cuz you know he's going to have something interesting to say.

On his next "joint":

It's called 'She Hate Me.' It's coming out this summer on Sony Classics, starring Anthony Mackie — he was the young brother battling Eminem at the end of "8 Mile" — Kerry Washington, Ellen Barkin, Monica Bellucci, Woody Harrelson, John Turturro, Brian Dennehy. Q-Tip's in it. It's about a young African-American who gets involved in some shady things and gets set up at his company and he's fired. Because of his predicament he puts his morals and values aside and starts a business impregnating lesbians who want to have kids.

That's actually what I'm thinking about doing once I get out of school.

But what's it really about?:

What's great about this film, this is an examination of what's happening in this country that's really demonstrated by the Super Bowl. I'm not just talking about Janet. You look at the commercials, the rest of the halftime show, it wasn't just Janet, it was the whole thing. So this film really talks about the moral ethic of this country, and how money is God. It's an examination of the moral and ethical decline of America, from the boardroom to the bedroom. We deal with Ken Lay and Enron, WorldCom, (former Tyco CEO Dennis) Kozlowski, Adelphia, all these crooks.

Those fucking crooks!

On the Oscars:

AP: What's your feeling about the Oscars these days? Do you vote?

Lee: I vote, but I take it with a grain of salt. Not just for African Americans, but just in general. You give an organization, some group, the power to validate your work of art — that can be paralyzing. ... "Malcolm X" was bigger than the Academy Awards. "Do the Right Thing" was bigger than the awards. We got two nominations for "Do the Right Thing." I got a best original screenplay nomination. Danny Aiello got best supporting actor, and he lost to Denzel (Washington) in "Glory." But you know what got best picture that year?

AP: Nope.

Lee: "Driving Miss Daisy." "Do the Right Thing," there are classes on that in universities all across the country. That film is still being watched. Every year it's growing in stature. No one talks about "Driving Miss Daisy." There's nothing there.

Nope. And he had this to say about "Cold Mountain":

Lemme ask a question. How many nominations did "Cold Mountain" get? ... When you ever seen a film that takes place during slavery with no slaves in it?

Umm... A coupla months ago?