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January 31, 2004

The Real World: San Diego - Episode 4: Episode Summary

The Real World San Diego: Episode 4

The Fear of Big Boats
Episode 4 begins with Robin and Randy shooting some hoops. I guess this scene is to set up the fact that this is the episode where Robin and Randy sorta hook up, but not really. Robin says she's drawn to Randy because they both come from similar backgrounds (i.e. "the nightclub industry") and likens him to a huge teddy bear. She recites some annoying highschool basketball cheers and makes her huge fake tits bounce up and down in her shirt. Randy seems mostly oblivious.

Cut to the next scene, which could be the day before or the day after or whenever. They're all out on the patio doing what they do best when somebody brings up the issue of casual sex. I can't remember who it was and it's been a while since I've seen this episode. Maybe they don't even show who brought it up. Anyhoo, Robin says she had some casual sex, but that was a long time ago (probably two weeks ago) and she's moved on from that point in her life lest she be seen as some kind of table dancer. Even better is Randy's response: "I'm a very passionate guy. When I like a person, I can't hold nothin' back. It's very... passionate." Spoken like a true art major.

The roommates receive a little Road Rules-style clue about what their job is going to be. All it says is show up at the docks wearing your bathing suits. They do a little speculatin' as to what the job could possibly be. Lifeguards? Boat cleaners? Jacquese, upon hearing about the bathing suits, hopes it doesn't haven't have anything to do with swimming because, like every other black guy in the history of reality TV, of course he can't swim. No, I'm sure it's just so that the gay guy who produces this crap can get plenty of pictures of you in your skivvies. For his own private collection.

At some point, maybe the same day, Frankie sees a cruise ship pulling into the harbor and lets out a shriek like a pig getting his hair burned off in one of those PETA videos. OMG, what a psycho hose beast! Fortunately for her, I've got just the thing that could shut her up. She strikes me as the kind of person who would Google her own name and we do live in the same state so here:

Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie Frankie

I think that'll do.

Also, it was funny just watching the roommates reactions to her little panic attack. When it happens, Cameran so obviously tries to choke back her laughter, but then when she realizes it's not a joke, she just lets loose. Evil little cracka bitch. Robin who's in the next room goes "If you're afraid of a boat that size, I'm sure your afraid of [I couldn't make out what she actually said, but I'm sure it had something to do with Brad's unit].

The bulk of the show consists of Randy and Robin's little near-hook up. Here's how it went down, along with my usual astute analysis:

Robin and Randy are out in the drinking area having a deep conversation about religion. Randy tries to explain "agnostics" to Robin, which I'm assuming is some kind of Elron version of agnosticism.

Randy: Lemme explain agnostics to you.

Robin: Like, I totally believe in a higher power, but…

Randy: That's agnostics! That is agnostics.

Robin: Really? Like I always knew that's how I felt.

Randy: That's agnostics.

Meanwhile Brad and Cameran are inside eavesdropping and gossiping about whether or not the two of them are going to hook up. Brad looks like he couldn't be any more annoyed with all of it.

The two nightclub employees make their move to the hot tub. Robin climbs on top of him and shoves her little botched boob job in his face. Maybe the only way she could've been any more obvious is if she had somebody write across her forehead in magic marker "Please put your unit inside me. Now!" Still, Randy seems to be pretty much oblivious. Was it the alcohol? I mean, wtf?

Randy mumbles something to the effect of "I'm about to melt," so they make their move from the hot tub to the shower. Robin makes her way to one end of the shower room, behind the glass just daring Randy to come back there and hit that. Of course Randy, the passionate man that he is, instead decides he's going to drop trou and stand there in the "Hey, everybody look at my cock pose" for what seems like a good ten minutes or so.

Meanwhile Cameran is standing in the doorway the entire time giggling like she just found a piece of candy in her pocket. She runs into the kitchen to inform Brad that Randy is in the shower naked and Brad flashes her this look that just says "Bitch, get the fuck outta my face with that shit."

The old pro that she is, Robin walks from the back of the shower into the front where Randy's standing, plants herself right in front of him, looks down at his cock, points at it and then goes and climbs in his bed. Now, we can go back and forth all day about what's considered consent and what isn't, but there's no way that anybody could look at that piece of tape and not have to admit that she was pretty much begging for it. Maybe if she went in the room, leaned over against the edge of the bed and propped her huge naked ass in the air and put on "Rape Me" by Nirvana, she could've been a little more obvious, but just barely.

But I digress.

The other amusing part of the episode is what goes on once the two of them are in bed. Randy walks into the room and sees Robin already in his bed like some Roofies-addled sorostitute (foreshadowing?). If I had to guess, I'd say her pants were probably already off at this point and that's why she insists for the duration of the scene that she be pretty much obscured by covers. Randy, with his drunk, functionally illiterate self says something about a huge pillow and climbs in the bed. The cracka shouldn't have been saying anything, but I already went there once this episode and there's no point of me going there again.

Anyhoo, that wasn't the funny part. Meanwhile, Cameran and her little pervert buddy Jacquese are in the next room eavesdropping. Jacquese gets all giggly and is like "I think something's about to happen." No it ain't, nigga. If that kid was anywear near as attuned to the sensitive dynamics of male-female relationships as I am, he would've been able to see what was going down. Hopefully, one day he too will be able to read this. In fact, here we go again:

Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese Jacquese

Maybe if he's lucky I'll let him come down to Creve Coeur where I can make him drink Natty and try to slap some sense into him, because right now the nigga is just not representing for the black man the way I would've expected him to. Somewhere (probably in his mom's basement), Syrus from the Real World Boston is watching this crap and cringing.

Jacquese the Pervert with a Silly Name pretty much goes into the room where the two of them are in the bed getting their cuddle on (sad) and stands right over the bed. I was halfway expecting him to reach down into his pants and start spanking it like a retarded kid would but, as we've all heard now a thousand times over, he is a Morehouse student so I'm sure he just waited until everybody was asleep and jerked off in the bathroom or something.

So while he's standing there, he overhears Speech Impediment Boy describing his hard-on to Robin. First he says something like "It's hard, I just can't deal with" and then all of a sudden he just goes "Boom! Bazooka Joe." Maybe Robin had given him a hand job and that was his way of announcing she had jerked his gerkin to "completion." Whatever it was, the roommates got a huge kick out of it and went around repeating it, Rainman-style for the next couple of days or so.

There was some other shit that happened this epsiode, but I don't really care to describe it. Basically, they report to their new sailing job, Frankie has a little mini panic attack until she realizes nobody gives a shit, they meet their bosses who appear to be a gay couple (which wouldn't surprise me seeing as there is no "token gay guy" in the actual cast) and one of them gives Jacquese the gayest life jacket of all time to wear. Maybe if it had a big picture of Richard Simmons across the back, it could be a little bit gayer, but just barely.

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Byron Crawford a/k/a Bol is the celebrated author of several books, most recently NaS Lost: A Tribute to the Little Homey.

Copp dat:NaS Lost

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